be happy with myself

I’ve started exercising regularly lately, and it makes me feel great and definitely happier with myself. It just feels good to know that I’m taking care of myself and improving physically. I was really, really not into sports as a child, but lately I’ve been feeling a need to do more physical activities. I’ve signed up for a martial arts course which starts in a month (which I’m very excited about) and I’ve got a regular exercise routine which I do every other day or so (unless I’m very busy) where I do a short cardio workout to get my heart rate up followed with yoga. It’s only been about 2 or 3 weeks since I’ve started doing this but I can already see the difference and I can stretch my muscles further and hold the poses better and longer.

This past year in my life I have felt more spontaneously happy than I ever have before. Sometimes I feel that I miss certain things and feel a bit down about it, but then other times, I feel naturally happy, and it surprises me sometimes because looked at from a certain point of view, I could maybe be unhappy about certain things, but I don’t actually feel unhappy about it and I feel pretty ok inside.

I think what I have to do now is work on making this ok-ness more stable, especially when it comes to other people’s influence. I know from a rational point of view that some people’s opinions or reactions aren’t worth zero, but nevertheless I sometimes can’t stop that down feeling.

Sometimes I look at other people and wish I could be that way too. It’s not a good thing to do, but I’ve caught myself feeling that way again today. Someone said to me, yeah, I have this ability to have fun with anyone. It made me feel bad because I can’t say that I can do the same. But when I remind myself that I have my own personal strengths in other ways, and that I’m actually ok with who I am and the way I put energy into developing myself to be more the way I would like to be, I don’t feel so bad. :) And actually, when I think about it objectively, when I see how this person interacts with other people, he tends to have fun only with certain types, and it’s not actually true that he has a great ability to have fun with lots of different people. His own family doesn’t think he’s very funny. Maybe I also shouldn’t take other people so seriously sometimes (re: goal no. 3).

I can say that I’m happier with myself since I wrote my first entry about this goal. I’m doing some new things that I like doing. I’m more active about being outgoing and getting to know new people. I’m more active about opening my eyes and finding things that interest me in the world and in other people. And because I’m happier with myself, I feel more secure inside and less disturbed by other people.

I still have lots of things I want to do though, so I doubt I can ever mark this goal as done. I have to keep developing, not be static.

I really shouldn’t beat myself up about things I can’t change and that are out of my control. It’s no reflection on who I am. But I forget sometimes and start to doubt myself. It’s difficult enough to handle frustration and trying to be patient without adding extra difficulties for myself. Maybe I just have to try to find more things and ways that remind me and make me feel that I’m ok. I’m doing my best with what I’ve got and learning and developing, and as long as I’m DOING that, whatever I’m FEELING and whatever is HAPPENING around me is ok and I have no reason to get down about myself.