Be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and to have the wisdom to know the difference...

I want to… mature. I hate to admit it… This is a side of me that is weak. A few seconds ago, I cringed just thinking how absurdly immature I can be when it comes to matters of the ‘heart’ but now, I just… giggle.

I’ve turned down offers for relationships because I do have standards. I prefer to be with someone who is also a virgin, and I get flack for that. But you know, above all, I don’t think I’ve ever been offered a genuine path to a long-lasting relationship. I mean they all seemed like flings. Well, there WAS J, but… no. I don’t even want to think about that. It was wrong on so many levels. And it wasn’t a physical relationship, rather one that was carried out online. Now, I’m all for online relationships. If it worked for you, then great! I mean who has the right to tell you how you’re supposed to meet someone when it comes to love?

So, I’m not feeling very articulate (not that I ever feel that way or imply that I am, lol =P) but I just want to say this much… I’m wary of my future relationships. Then again, I’m not. Sometimes, I feel like just hopping on the couples bandwagon. Then I don’t. For the most part, I’m enjoying the single life. And I’d probably be really uncomfortable in a ‘real relationship.’

Wow, how weird is that? It’s like… some sort of taboo nowadays. People apparently start to have ‘real relationships’ at the age of 13. Well, not this girl.

I wonder when I’m going to have one. My standards aren’t exactly… hmmm… well, some I grew up with. Like the whole virginity thing. And the whole….......

religion thing…................

Religion. That kills conversations. I don’t know how I’m going to have a relationship in these times. I really don’t. My parents say he has to be of the same religion and.. well, that rules out like half of the guys in this world. Actually more than.

So, I’ve never really admitted that much, let alone online, and it kind of feels like I got this weight lifted off my chest by saying that. I’m not happy about the situation, but that’s how it’s been…

I don’t know, man. It just kind of sucks… And I have this feeling that I’ll never amount to a what a good girlfriend and eventually, what a good wife is supposed to be. I just don’t think I’m cut out for relationships or something. Call me cynical or stupid, but that is truly how I feel at the moment. See, I’ve had guys who have held crushes on me, but they always end up resorting to some other girl.

To name a few, one girl, I feel, was kinder and more mature in her ways. The other girl had a pretty good sense of humor, and her boyfriend appreciates that even though she’s battling PTSD… things are rough but their personalities just mesh well.

*What I’m trying to say is… I don’t think I have much of anything… to give in a relationship. And… that’s that. I don’t think I have much of a personality to offer. *

OH, and crap. the main thing.. i forgot to add. well, i sometimes fall for the people i meet online. it’s only happened twice. well once. but the second one almost happened. and.. i don’t want to be like that. it’s like i’m replacing the feelings i should be feeling when i meet someone face to face with emoticons and chatspeak. it’s not… i don’t know. i don’t mind meeting a person online and then continuing from there but i guess it’s the situation i’m in now that’s making me go nuts. i should have been asleep couple hours ago but it’s kept me up. watch, it’ll probably be gone in the next few minutes or so. then it’ll resurface. then leave. then come back. then leave. stupid.

Because I’m coming to terms with one issue that’s been bugging me for the longest. I’d rather not post it on here though.

I’m simply… accepting it. I’m proud of it. I’ve done my research and although the facts have never really been conclusive, I’m simply… accepting it! I know that I can stand my ground when anyone tries to refute my ideas on the subject. My intention is not to sound ignorant, indignant, or foolish whenever someone disagrees with it – but that’s the way the facts really are. There has never been a definite answer and there probably never will be for a very long time. Well, OK. This answer is definite for me and it seems to make the most sense out of any other crap.

This is DEFINITELY leading me to become a happier, more complacent person and I’m very grateful that I’ve opened my mind up a little more. Of course, experience has helped, but for the most part… I don’t know. I’m just ”:)”

I’m halfway there

he pissed me off so badly. religion. i dare to say i almost felt contempt. classic atheist vs. christian argument. didn’t wanna get into it; he did. wanted to show himself in a superior light, i backed myself up lightly and probably foolishly in his sight. he showed me another verse after i’d said no so a billion times, and i bade him goodnight and signed off.

I fall victim to this sometimes, out of habit almost. I always hear stuff about beautiful people being born beautiful, and that they’re just lucky to have been born that way. How is someone born with beauty? I don’t wanna sound like a ranting maniac, but honestly… it may look like a matter of letting go of all the physical worries one may have, but to me, it also looks like a sort of escape.

I, for one, really don’t believe in ‘good genetics,’ and it’s taken a while for me to realize that. Ugh. I despise that term. Who the hell coined it? How degrading does that sound?

Natural beauty is an accumulation of everything about you, flaws included. And it works, you know? Yeah, it seems like a relatively new theory.

Just because a kid’s born with ‘model’ features, whatever that may be in the years to come, does that make the kid a work of art from the get-go? I don’t think so; but everyone’s entitle to their own opinions. MAN, I just can’t get over how stupid that sounds.

Once I accept myself fully, I’ll have no problem letting go of all the flaws in this world, whether they be my flaws or especially someone else’s flaws.

That’s the way it goes.

Deleted it because my thoughts aren’t steady.

Can people change? Right now, I don’t know what to make of it. I’ve never really given this a lot of thought until now, when someone brought it up about a week ago.

I’ve always thought that people can change. I’ve seen proof everywhere. My mom has changed the way she’s been living ever since she was a teenager. A TON of factors play into that, but they’re still changes, right?

My brother has changed, and so has my friends and other acquaintances and people I hardly know.

You see it on TV and read about it in books. Yeah, the changes on TV and books may not exactly be real, but they’ve gotta be based on something substantial, right?

On the other hand, I’ve also been told that people can change as long as they have the willpower to do so. Retaining whatever changes you’ve made seems to be the challenge. I’m frightened by the thought that maybe the others are right: maybe people really can’t change and if ever they do, it’s only for a short period. I’m frightened because I see that happening in me. I’ve told my parents I’d change. I’ve told my brother I’d change. I told my friends I’d change. But it’s like my willpower SO VERY weakens after a given amount of time. You know, I could be gung-ho about changing for two weeks, but once that two weeks is gone, it’s back to square one.

My dad doesn’t like a lot of noise. So when my brother and I were younger, and when we’d get loud, my dad would scold us for being loud. We thought it was unfair punishment; after all, we were just having fun. Up to this very day, I still feel the same way. I understand that I have to take his situation into consideration. After a long hard day’s work or because he has high blood pressure, I know that the slightest problem could tick him off. But I still can’t help but feel pushed down. I look at the other families who are able to have fun with each other, joke around with each other, and I just wish I could have a little more of that. My dad was fun when I was younger as well. It’s not like he was a jerk or anything. We made some pretty kickass memories.

Here it goes again. W, from my ‘Feel Beautiful’ entry, is loud when it comes to fun. I mean she laughs when she fings things funny. I can’t seem to do that all the time. She’s one of those people who finds almost everything funny and she always has a response: a giggle, a laugh, a smile, a chuckle, whatever. As for me, whenever I see a movie or watch stand-up (favorite of mine), I notice that I gain a lot more laughs when I watch it with a friend. When I’m alone, and I watch the same movie or stand-up show, I may find the things in it hilarious, but I still won’t laugh. It’s like I’m laughing inside, but not necessarily opening my mouth to push those sounds outside. The humor just makes me happy.

I don’t wanna be like that when I grow older. And that’s just one out of a gazillion things. I feel that it affects me already. I don’t want the problem to expand.

I mean it sounds selfish and weird, but sometimes, when my mom laughs, I get a bit turned off and angry. I don’t know why. Is it because I envy the fact that she’s able to do so easily? Or because she’s having fun and I’m not? These ideas don’t feel like they apply to me, though.

It affects me socially. I’m scared of entering relationships because I’m afraid that when I do find someone I’ll be amazingly happy with, something’s gonna screw it over… like my being bored or something. I’m so naive when it comes to this stuff.

Maybe I have a little more growing up to do. I’m always in need of reassurance. BUT other people my age already know what to do to keep themselves happy and worry-free.

So what if I don’t change and I remain this self-centered, self-conscious, selfish, worry-laden, ever-static and never-dynamic freak? What if people will always look at me as an unapproachable, boring waste of space? Don’t tell me that this self-badgering isn’t doing me good because I’m trying to figure myself out!

I always thought that I’d be able to change myself later. LATER. I’m gonna be happier once everything works out. Later. I’m gonna be better once I have such and such. Later. LATER. What will it take to make me happy? Am I setting my standards way too high?

My mom says I’m a perfectionist. Truth be told, I don’t see myself in that light. I’m far from it. But she’s not in my shoes. Maybe she’s able to see what everyone else does. BUT the thing is, she’s not in my shoes so she doesn’t know the kinks that are mangled in my head. She doesn’t know what drives me to think a certain way because I’m cautious about spilling certain information that I think will harm me or that I will ever regret saying. I’m like that. If I say something I regret or do something I regret, it will NEVER escape me. Ever. I have such a guilty conscience. And I have 0 self-confidence in what I do. And if ever I do pick up an ounce of self-confidence in my work or my aspirations, someone screws it over by saying it’s not good enough, be it in an indirect or direct manner.

Hazy thoughts.
BUT I SEE PEOPLE CHANGE! Especially physically! It’s still a change. And mentally. I have changed mentally, I think. People have influenced my opinions and thoughts. I’ve gained more knowledge, but it’s also been screwed around with by yours truly. That’s a change, an ever continuous change.

I’m just scared that I won’t amount to a better me. I’m living up to someone else’s standards, whomever that person may be, and it’s sick!

I’m gonna stop here. This writing has eased half of my current worries on the matter.

Being around the people whose behaviors I don’t admire makes me feel ugly. It makes me almost loathe them, and that’s not a pretty thing admit to. This can in turn lead to anything from talks about someone behind their back or even a serious murder (hey, just shooting out some ideas). But it’s something you have to face, and you have to learn to deal with it. Let’s face it folks, the world can be an ugly place.

As they say, when life gives you lemons, make some lemonade. Forget the half-assed responses and make some lemonade!

How I wish it were that simple, right? Positive thinking… Gah.

You know what?

Something in me snapped. I haven’t fully come into terms with a sense of, well, FULL self-acceptance.

I can accept some things about myself, but I tend to usually subconsciously reject other things about myself, whether they be positive or negative.

I want to mature in spirit and soul; I think that sometimes, I trick myself into believing (for a second there, I’d almost forgotten how to spell that word) what I want to believe, and this method of thinking backfires – and I mean it BACKFIRES.

So… I’m looking forward to really activating this goal, hopefully by tomorrow. I’ve read up on some stuff about self-acceptance, and most sites (and movies, but who really trusts movies?) recommend writing a list of things you like about yourself andddd I suppose this generally helps the process. I’ve always thought of this as bull, but I’m willing to give it a shot. I just hope it doesn’t backfire, ‘cause knowing me, if I’m not able to satisfy myself with a decent list, then I’ll go berserk and things that I generally don’t think negatively about suddenly ball up into a big tumor of cynical concerns.

So, I’m wishing me the best of luck and I hope you’re doing the same.