pray more

I have wondered often of late why I have such chronic insomnia. I try to sleep, but no matter if I go to bed at 9pm or 10pm or midnight… I awaken at 2am, 3am, 4am. Bolt upright and fully conscious. When I wake up, so do the animals. It is a vicious cycle. Fortunately the sweetie slumbers on.

Why? I sometime lament.

Well, tonight (today?) I have a reason.

I was awake as I often am, and trying to go back to sleep by looking on the web. News, job opportunities, the usual.

I was about fully immersed, when I thought I smelled something. I discounted it as impossible. A burning smell. I opened the door and smelled outside. Nothing. Went back to my desk. Smelled a whiff. Went to the door of the den. The smell was stronger. Now I have a vent plate in the door itself. I bent down and the smell was unmistakable. SMOKE.

Open the door and it is hard to see due to the acrid burning white smoke. I see flames on top of the stove. There is a fire extinguisher next to the stove, but in my hast to dampen things, I grab what I have handy… a half-empty bottle of Gator Aid. I dump it on the base of the fire. I notice the answer to why a fire and why now?. The stove (electric) has a burner set to maximum. The stove had been cold and inactive minutes before as I had just obtained the drink.

All I can think of is a freak accident involving a cat altercation bumping into the stove control. A screwdriver and a bag of fresh fruit was what was on fire. Most of the smoke came from the burning plastics in the handle. A pile of tile cleaning rags nearby was hot but not yet alight. Why was stuff on the stove like that? The same reason I had no water handy. I was still completing the installation of a new sink and counters in the kitchen. Thus the water was still cut off.

If I didn’t have insomnia….

I would have been at the other end of the house. And would not have caught the smell until much, much later. Giving the accident far more time to spread….

This did not happen tonight (today)....

because G_d gave me insomnia.

In my case a difficult one (finding community) as the divorce complicates many denominational affiliations.

So I searched.

And searched.

I think I may have a home.

It is a merger of two churches. One a non-denominational Christian community and the other a reformist sort of back to roots (think of G_d as laughing and hanging with you while also being able to knock back when you stray (as any real friend would).

Combine the two and you get Church Done Differently

Love G_d; Love People

Nothing more to add…

Sin is both a simple and complicated concept. Much of what determines whether a sin IS a sin depends on your point of view.

But I had an epiphany.

Sin to G_d is like my puppy and her crate.

Every day I check her crate at various intervals during the day when I return from an absence.

Every time I check, I am hoping that she didn’t soil her crate.

If she did, I let her out. And begin the ritual of cleaning the crate and making it fresh again.

Similarly, G_d hopes we don’t sin.

Every day we are looked at and loved.

Some days we don’t make it.

We sin.

And G_d sighs.

And G_d washes us clean and returns us to our ways.

Hoping against hope…

that the next time we will make it…

just a little longer next time.

not for myself, but for one whom I spent almost 20 years working with…

today I find that one of my beloved mentors has just left the hospital after eleven days… and is now in a nursing facility. He had heart issues, low blood pressure, a heart murmur, a leaking aorta… All expected signs of wear and tear over a life of 91 years… and now he has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

His family is trying to seek an assisted long-term care facility…

no word on how long…

or where…

So please pray for a friend of mine…

Herb Wood has need.

This is thanks for a prayer answered.

A prayer uttered in all sincerity.

In a place few want to be at 10 o’clock on a Monday night.

Uttered silently in my head, at deafening volumes.

In the waiting area of a hospital emergency room.

Live damn it

A few minutes more and the result could have been brain damage or death.

Anaphylaxis enroute to anaphylactic shock (the lungs were starting to be involved as I lurched into the driveway by the door.)

A prayer answered, thank G_d.

and a bolus of benadryl administered at home likely all that held it together until the professionals could take over…

All because of an innocent drug proscribed a couple of days earlier…

for an infection…

that while irritated…

would never have proved fatal.

But the cure could easily have been as sure a death as a bullet.

Live damn it.

Thank G_d.

She did.

This is thanks for a prayer answered.

A prayer uttered in all sincerity.

In a place few want to be at 10 o’clock on a Monday night.

Uttered silently in my head, at deafening volumes.

In the waiting area of a hospital emergency room.

Live damn it

A few minutes more and the result could have been brain damage or death.

Anaphylaxis enroute to anaphylactic shock (the lungs were starting to be involved as I lurched into the driveway by the door of the E.R.)

A prayer answered, thank G_d.

and a bolus of benadryl administered at home likely all that held it together until the professionals could take over…

All because of an innocent drug proscribed a couple of days earlier…

for an infection…

which, while irritating…

would never have been fatal.

But in this case, the cure could easily have been as sure a death as a bullet through the brain.

Live damn it.

Thank G_d.

She did.

I have been in a trying set of circumstances of late. i was in the midst of my travails today, and was on a break, having just completed lunch.

I must have looked like a lost soul. Unprompted, a diner left the table next to mine, and placed her hand on my shoulder. ‘I don’t know what your troubles are, but i just wanted to let you know I am praying for you to have the peace you need.’

it was like the weight of the world was lifted in an instant.

it was as if a candle had been lit instead of cursing the darkness

blessed am I !

My Lord G_d, thank you for the grace and mercy you showed me yesterday in my trial…

It is only through your strength and compassion that I was able to go through that gate as well as I did.

Now I face the second gate in a few minutes.

Please Lord, I beseech you, I need your strength, love and compassion to get me through this.

Thank you Lord for the willing and supportive servants you have bestowed in my life, for I would be in far dire straights without them.

I need your help again Lord.

Please.

I beg you.

Dear Lord G_d…

The next 48 hours will be very trying ones for me and mine.

I have a trial of sorts at work wherein the stakes are myself and my continued employment.

I have a trial of a formal nature the following day that will decide how much of what I have built up and have left will remain at my disposal.

Resources are low.

I am very tired.

Yet I must rise and face the dawn meek as a lamb, but with the will of a cornered lion.

G_d grant me the wisdom and peace of mind to do what I should to both atone for my sins and to do what I may to ensure that none will be unduly harmed in the wake of what will follow from tomorrow…

G_d grant me the peace and compassion to do what I must the day after to survive and maximize what I have to work with…

Above all G_d, grant me a humble and contrite heart to accept what comes with the sure knowledge that Your will is what matters most.

Grant mercy my Lord G_d, for I am sore afraid…

Grant mercy my Lord, that those aroud me will be spared the pain of watching me go through this…

Grant mercy my Lord, that I may live through this and see a new day.

My Lord G_d, please continue to console and restore the heart and soul of one in need…

One who has been hurt in spirit…

One who is a faithful servant of yours…

One who is a mitzvah in the very act of their lives…

Thank you for the Grace you have already bestowed and the abundant blessings you so generously grant…

And thank you for being Who and What you are My Lord…

_Amen