so this is my 10th and final entry here…
...not because i’ve decided to kill myself, but infact because i have decided that my life can be used for something else
maybe i won’t make the most money in the world
maybe i won’t become the greatest leader
maybe i won’t teach everyone everything
maybe i won’t live to be 99
...truth is: maybe i don’t care
all i know is once i fall in love with something i do, someone i know or somewhere i’ll wanna be, i can basically be as happy as any person could be forever
—Tom—
Apr 06, 2007, 12:06AM PDT | 6 cheers | 2 comments
i’m gonna say this week i should be completely over my deppression…
...thanx to the 71 who have contributed their few but important seconds to writing me and cheering me on…
...thanx to the 1 who happened to just fall into my lap at the right time…
—TomtoM—
Apr 04, 2007, 10:11PM PDT | 4 cheers | 2 comments
before you all think this is another “i’m depressed” note, actually it’s like things are lookin up…
...i can’t pinpoint it but the last 2 days have been relatively…fun ? maybe not the right word, but it’s tought to put words to something that’s different and GOOD…
last night i partied (...mostly sitting and drinking, but eh) and tonight i’m off to see a movie…should be grand,
—TomtoM—
Mar 31, 2007, 07:08PM PDT | 1 cheer | 0 comments
i hate, HATE being so down.
...i’m sick n’ tired of people blaming others for my problems…a 10 year old can do better…i have no blame, no shame…
theres so much drama in everyones life and i prefer to keep things as simple as possible…what that has to do with anything i don’t know, but i don’t know how ppl can live with half their conversations being about “he said”, “she said” or “they’re cheating on me, i know it”...yes: life is a stage…but it’s not always a soap opera
the last few days now i’ve been able to throw down some pills, take a smoke break and forget about everything…but just like always, i’m able to mask everything that is wrong with me
i don’t blame my life, i blame myself…so yes, i lied…i do blame and i have shame…
lately i’ve lost my ability to see the light, feel the wind, taste the sugars of life, hear the voice of love and smell the new batch of pedals blooming froms spring…
i hope i’m not the only one who has to deal with theirselves like this…but then again i hope everyone can appreciate their lives, drama or no drama
—TomtoM—
Mar 29, 2007, 10:55PM PDT | 0 comments
the rain helped…my roomates cuddling the room helped…the realization that most my friends couldn’t give a damn where i am and what i’m doing also added some frenzy to my fire…
...sigh...i’ve gotten so used to this feeling…how does a guy live like this…all i want is to be wanted…i have no REAL purpose in anyone elses life…
...
—TomtoM—
Mar 27, 2007, 10:22PM PDT | 1 cheer | 1 comment
i’m gonna go eat…exersize for about an hour…i’ve got plenty of time for work to be done…
...yet what it is about the foreshadowing events lately that have led to my escape from myself have allowed me to KNOW i’ll be all alone by the end of day…
today is a great day to be living but considering not…
—TomtoM—
Mar 27, 2007, 01:43PM PDT | 1 comment
i guess things haven’t changed much…just seems like times moving forward
i got online and nobody really wanted to talk…thought it was a good time to just go for a walk at midnight. i went downtown, headphones geared and my jacket covering me from the rain…it took me about 40 minutes to get to the river, i only wanted to chill…
...the rain started beating down, almost peircing…i put my head back and could feel how amazing it was to just pour myself into the memories i had growing up…even though they were just memories…
...i sat there for a while…at least 2 or 3 songs worth…
i opted with how things are actually going in my life to just jump…the river wasn’t but 10 feet away and for anyone that can reach the middle will surely be pulled under and never heard from for the next week…
...i cried…nothing has made my life as pleasing as it had in the past…and i’ve listened to everyone say “it’ll get better, we all have our rough times”...
but what about those who feel like they just don’t fit in and have a rough life…?
...i still may bode myself towards an illusion but my life is real…or just a figment of everyones desire
—TomtoM—
Mar 22, 2007, 02:12PM PDT | 2 cheers | 1 comment
So i spent the last…2 days figuring out what gets me down…what takes me out of my physical mind and diminishes my mental capacity in front of others…what makes me want to be alone…and here’s the list…
1) SLEEP…ye’, sleep. I didn’t sleep at all the last semester…oops
2) FRIENDS…as in “tom doesn’t have many friends”...
3) DIFFERENCES…i’m down w/being an outcast, i can’t just change to be a little more accepted…but it’s like discriminating the blind: it’s not my fault i’m the way i am
4) I AM ALONE!...i guess i was so used to having a really, REALLY good friend to be there all of the time. I’m puttin my kudos on mckenna in middle school, jennifer “the ex” in early high school, and elyse during senior year…god i could talk to you guys, laugh w/you guys…call you guys up and talk about whats on my mind…it’s been 2 years now and i don’t have that person in my life anymore…
...and i can’t just ‘try’ to do it around here….nobody respects that…nobody respects me…thus i’m…still depressed…
i guess i still have some work to do…
—TomtoM—
Mar 11, 2007, 11:52PM PDT | 1 cheer | 1 comment
i’m done w/this life…every night i cry now…i’m a lesser man for it and i’m alone and its just…i cna’t deal w/anything anymore…
i just don’t have a purpose in my own life anymore
Feb 24, 2007, 10:27PM PST | 1 cheer | 3 comments
it’s sad that i’m resorting to a website to help get over my depression…its been a week and a half since i’ve been the lowest ever and nobody has notice…that’s actually releaving, cuz if i don’t live after all is said n’ done…maybe it’ll seem like i died living a happy life
—TomtoM—
Feb 12, 2007, 07:19PM PST | 1 cheer | 3 comments
