stay sober

I never drank for pleasure- more to drown out pain. I suffer from mental health issues- and for sure not drinking has allowed the real me to shine through. I feel urges, and strong ones, but stop toying with them as a panacea to my ills. Addiction to anything is a human problem with a human solution. I believe in self-will, in the power to change through making a decision and doing the grunt work. AA didn’t work for me, but for all those that it does help I am happy for. I’m much more empowered now, and feel responsible for my behavior where once I would blame it on being so blotto I couldn’t remember. As time passes I will continue to punch away at this, but one day it will be considered “completed”. To move on to other pressing matters.

Ugh, felt good about this month, then started getting drunk for the remainder of the last five days. I didn’t drink today, and know my other mental issues will be alleviated so long as I keep on the beam.

I’m more of a big picture person, and seeing me go from a daily drinker to only drinking once this month, is a great feeling. Sure it would be nice to be completely abstinent, but I don’t think however time I have sober gets thrown to the wayside if I drink once, as long as I don’t feel like saying it’s over and I shouldn’t even try. I’m not at square one, I just faltered and can look back and say I didn’t get an A+, but for darn sure I got an A. I won’t give myself leeway to an alcoholic life, it will sneak up on me and take me down if I’m not alert to the fact that nobody is above relapse- no one.

I know I keep saying it’s the last time but my damn brain won’t compute this new information! So in earnest (after drinking last night) I went to a meeting and thankfully have a ride from now on to the 8pm. I said what happened, and what I want is to be sober and I am willing enough to go to any lengths- to surrender. I am not one of the lucky ones when it comes to holding on to sobriety dates. I slip and slide into new ones. But I keep trying. With new resolve I read a bit of the Big Book (it was a BB study meeting), and then frankly I said I need a fresh perspective and a fresh sponsor willing to take me through these steps on the wall, and a ride home, and it doesn’t have to be the same person! Anyway I walked out of that meeting with two new numbers of people sober 2, and 16 years. One of which (16) is willing to work with me. I love AA people. I’m one of them and just love hearing them be able to tackle life’s good and bad stuff- SOBER. Well, I want it bad enough now. But gotta go and read 164 pages now, which I am grateful for. Some of us don’t make it back to the rooms. Just so you know, I did get a ride, LOL.

I can get through this day. Just two more hours!!! :) I feel excited about the possibilities that a sober lifestyle can bring me. I miss feeling in control of my own intestines! LOL, I’m serious, good people should know how tough it is out there for those who suffer this disease, but one day at a time.

This was not what I really wanted to do. I went to a meeting of AA and all that talk of alcohol got me to romanticize it. I don’t know if I still take myself seriously with this goal. I keep taking chips and keep getting hammered. I’m trying to change my mantra from “fuck it” to “no matter what”, but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done. My friend just went out too, and he’s just a wreck. I don’t want to end up there. Errrrr…need to call someone new, my sponsor just threw his hands up and said he can’t help me.