find my soul mate

we got a puppy! that’s my kind of “commitment” to each other.

We had our first real bump last weekend…I’d say that’s pretty good for 18 months! I don’t really want to talk about it in detail here, but in a nutshell, it was an errant comment he made about something sort of serious the day before my menstrual cycle commenced that sunk me into a teary funk for the better part of two days. I knew at the time that my response was influenced by the hormones and told him, so we rode through it. I found myself questioning things as never before, which was an interesting process to go through. We had amazing open communication the whole time, and I think it made me feel stronger coming out the other end.

He is a good man. Not perfect, but nor am I.

That said, I am not in a hurry to rush any sort of commitment beyond the current co-habitation possible co-ownership of my house. But when do I check this one off my list? He’s certainly the greatest partner I have ever had.

In some ways I’m regretting I titled this one as strongly as I did because I still feel like it’s sooooooo heavy handed. When I wrote this goal on my list, I was single and optimistic and knew that there was a really great relationship out there waiting for me. I was doing the rough work to recover from my failed marriage and try to learn how to not make the same mistakes again and figure out what I may have been doing to contribute to that. Did I really change? I don’t know. What I do know is that the chemistry between us has given me an amazing sense of balance like I’ve never had before. We are truly best friends, and we frequently talk about how we both feel loved, inspired, heard, and proud of what we have together.

since I can’t check this off my list yet, I will say: to be continued…..

Can you tell that I’m really doing well on this particular list item based on the drastic reduction of entries on 43 Things? I hope you will all be happy for me!

In recent news, both my dad and my mom have met him now, and they both are really enthusiastic about him. More so than they were with my ex-spouse! Hmmm-do you think they’re just happy not to hear me wallow in solitude any longer? No….the comments I get are more along the lines of what I want to hear—they notice that we listen and respect each other, love how he looks at me, can tell I seem more balanced than before. Good stuff. I have met his parents too at this point, and the report is that they love me too.

Yippeeeeeeee!

Well…..we’re probably moving in together this fall. Could it be…..?

Things have been getting a lot better in this past month. He’s coming to meet my parents this summer. This sounds awfully suspicious! Uh—I mean auspicious!

To Whom it May Concern:

“Milk a cow” has officially ended its longstanding run as the number one cheered item on my list of 38 things. As of today, the new number one cheered item on my list is “find my soul mate.”

Even though I have a soft place in my heart for “milk a cow,” I find it much more optimistic that the public sentiment is now leaning towards “find my soul mate.” In the long run, attaining this goal should serve me much better than the momentary ecstasy that milking a cow might provide.

I’d like to thank my mother and father for all their support in the past forty years, my brother for giving me the best relationship advice ever after my marriage failed, D.F.M. for dutifully accepting the role of “friend with benefits” during the interim, the 39 people to date who have spent their precious daily allotment of cheers to help “find my soul mate” reach number one, and last, but not least, C.B., for being the one person I’ve dated in the past two and a half years who has come closest to being my soul mate. The jury is still out on that one, but so far so very good.

PS. The advice my brother gave me, for those of you who might be interested, was that the best thing he got out of years of therapy was the realization that there isn’t necessarily one person who’s out there waiting for you, your “soul mate.” There are hundreds, perhaps thousands of people in the world with whom you could be compatible. The key is finding someone who values commitment in the same way you do—someone you can work with through the good and the bad times. This gave me a lot of hope when I felt really alone as a single person facing the daunting task of getting out there and finding those other interesting single people.

I keep wanting to change the term “soul mate” on this “thing” on my list. But I’ve gotten so many cheers, I don’t want to mess it up!

Here’s my logic—the term “soul mate” often implies that you will meet someone with whom you already have absolutely everything in common. I am actually working (since my last big breakup) to change that assumption and instead pursue someone who you can build trust with and thereby become a healthy, functioning couple.

As I grow older, I am much more comfortable with letting someone else be themselves and it doesn’t have to threaten me. Similarly, I am noticing how I’m getting better at stepping outside of the usual place of “you aren’t doing this for me” and more into the “this is what I want – I will tell you what it is and if it’s a deal-breaker and I can’t find that here, I must go” kind of place. It’s taking responsibility and not either having unrealistic expectations for a relationship OR blaming someone else for not being what I want them to be.

So is that still under the definition of “soul mate?” Wanting someone who will stand beside me holding my hand as we both look out into the world? I think the old terminology implies that you are only looking at each other and I’m not so sure that has worked for me in the past.

this includes opening myself up to the possibility that my soul mate may not come easily….perhaps it’s the fellow I’m dating right now….but to learn to be patient and let things evolve naturally.