post randomly

nervous about trip… I talked with my mom yesterday and she is so hyper and becoming stressed. My experience tells me that this means she will be very directive to me and I begin to feel like I am 12 again and incompentent. I had a glimpse of it yesterday when she talked with me. I forgot about this.
I am not sure I can handle this. I am already feel low and that mentally strong becuase of work, and other things. I don’;t know if Ican handle this. I’m nervous.

Last night I’m at a dinner party for good friends who are getting married and are recently engaged. People are giving advice marriage. I ‘m not married. I am glad when the conversation moves on and ready to talk about something else. but ok.

This woman, who is in this group of friends, but hasn’t been around much because she’s moved. Her presence always raising my blood pressure. I can’t figure out why. She is good hearted but seems overly concerned about me and my life and it bothers me.

So as the conversation around marriage advice happens and is done for a few minutes says, Oh… K… i know you arent married, but you probably have some advice to give …...... I’m like no. She says…....oh come on you do…tell us all.. I’m like no, I do say someth8ing, but it comes out negative and I thinking back I would have changed me statment. .
.. She says I know when I was single, I observed married couples and did lke a marriage lab. come on you have advice. I finally just get up and leave the table and give her a “your annoying look” which I htink everyone noticed. I went to get some more water. I started talking to another friend in the kitchen and then all my firends came in and left her at the table. Fiunally she comes in and she begins to ask me about work and life and I just finally wave her away , turn my back on her. and just begin to talk to others. She is annoying.
She just pushes my buttons, Ithink because she doesn’t get it that if I wanted to tell her things about my life, I do so freely.

It’s the second injury in 2 weeks that has happened to her. First one, she said that the book shelf fell on her as she was lifting it up. It hit her in her face.

I just now found out from her supervisor that she fell down and broke her hand and will probably need surgery. She’s newly married, the courtship was fast. She has a history of DV relationships. My red flags are up and flying.

I need to say something to her. I will call her tomorrow.

I am laying around today…. I guess that’s ok. I haven’t done this in a while. still feel anxious.

Just about an hour left of the day. IT’s been quite a week. Worked alot but feel like I didn’t get much done. I’m going to put in some time on Sunday morning.

Hardest part of the week is that my pipes froze. My landlord is stressed out about it. $$$$$$ They are hoping when the weather warms up the pipes will be ok. They are new pipes!
I hope so too. I”ll know by 5pm.

I’m also just so tired right now. 2 more phone calls, They will be fine.

K

I woke up with an anxiety attack. I slept for 2 hours and then woke up iwth an anxisty attack. It hasn’t happened in months but tonight it did. I have to get up in 3 hours and finish some work. I can’t sleep. I am worked up about deadlines and other people reaching them and my incompentene of not communicatoin the deadline. I’ve been away for a few days from my regular routine hosting a work guest so I missed the timing of it.
I also screwed up a meeting coordination and now will have to drive 3 extra hours next week. Blah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

7 more work days until I have off for vacation. I can’t wait.

I am just a bit nervous that the one project I’ll have to revise and edit because I don’t think she’ll have it done in time. I don’t want to know. Ahhhhhh. Oh I want her to have it done. I’ll write an email today. I hope she’s done it. I don’;t feel like cramming again.

I am nervous alitle today . A project starts today and I am anxious. I need to ask for what I need and know that i can do it. Oh i miss the days of teaching. Not that that didn’t have it’s struggles but I had done it for so long it was easy for me. i want this job to be easy for me.

I am also feeling jealous of my friends that are stay at home moms.  I know they have a different set of struggles. Lately I would trade my struggles for theirs.   It's hard to sympathize with them lantely, when I feel like every day at work makes my brain hurt from organzing with bosses with high pressure. Friends of mine get to send their kids off to school , clean and cook dinner, volunteer in the classrooms. I am sure there is some pressure, but man Iwould for today, I'd trade them.  Meking breakfast for a 5 year old sounds lovely.... organizing at 500k project and it's up to you .... sounds just hard.  Blah.

I did something I ratherly do any more. I read a book in 24 hours. I read PUSH by Saphire. It’s the book that inspired the moving Precious. The movie isn’t playing too close to my house, so when i saw the book, I decided to just read it. I’ll go see the move later.

It’s such an intense story. I knew it was about poverty and the girl in the story was sexually abused, but didn’t realize she was all her life.

Recently I had 2 friends tell me they were sexually abused. I can’t believe how common it is. I just can’t believe it.

I highly recommend the book, but know that it’s intense.

I want to spend part of my day tomorrow, laughing and enjoying myself.