stand up for myself

I was in the store with a friend late saturday night, and a group of teenage boys walked past us. As they did, one of the boys deliberately moved close to me and touched my arm, likely in an effort to impress his friends. It was a simple gesture, but still he invaded my personal space, and all I could manage to do was blurt to my friend, “he touched me!”

I should have said something, done something to let him know that his advances were unwelcomed… but I didn’t know what to say, I just didn’t expect something like that to happen. Later, I thought of a pretty witty remark, but it was a typical case of “stairwell syndrome” (you know, how when someone cracks a joke at your expense in front of people, and the perfect retort comes to you… as you’re leaving the party).

The only thing that makes me feel better is, if something similar happens to me again, I’ll know exactly what to say. Usually, when I don’t stand up for myself, it’s because I’m taken by surprise. I want to say something, but I have no idea what to say until later.

In most situations where people try to undermine you, all that’s needed is a snappy comeback. But I’m a thinking person, I’ve never been good at firing off. Perhaps I should make a list of possible scenarios where people might say or do rude things, and I’ll actually have a chance to think about and write down possible ways to respond.

I’m such an invertebrate. Also, I’m terrified of standing up to someone who could screw me over, like a hairdresser, or a doctor. I almost never stand up to people, or I attempt to, and later on wish that I’d said something wittier.

For example, a little over a week ago, my fiancé, brother-in-law, and I were in the car together, waiting for a to-go order at a restaurant. Brother-in-law and I were having a conversation, which eventually turned into a debate. He got mad, because I kept invalidating his points, and eventually said, “Go and get the food!” I looked at my watch and said, “But it has another 10 minutes.” He switched off the car, turned around and looked at me, and said, “I’m not playing with you, go in there and get the food.”

Passively-aggressively, I took my time fumbling for my credit card, but I didn’t say anything back. I’m kicking myself for not saying, “I am an adult. Do not talk to me like that.” I think the main reason why I didn’t react is because his attitude shifted so quickly. We’ve always been friendly with each other, and he’s never disrespected me. So I go into the restaurant and wait for the food, and about 8 minutes later it was ready. As I was leaving out, I almost bumped into my brother in law. Apparently, he thought I was in the restaurant wasting time, and came in to get me. That pissed me off, but I didn’t do anything but mutter, “What could I possibly be doing in a restaurant besides waiting for food?” He didn’t hear me. So I didn’t speak anymore the entire way home.

Finally, when we arrived at my house, and my fiancé and I were letting ourselves into the house, brother-in-laws parting words to me were: “Without my brother, you’d be nothing! Everything that you have is because of him!” And the only thing I managed to say in a calm, but firm voice was, “You will respect me.” He repeated his last sentence, and I repeated, “You will respect me.” It was the only thing that came to my mind at the time. I could have said so much worse, but that was the only thing that I could say. I managed to stay calm out there, but as soon as I got into the house, I wilted like a leaf and cried my eyes out.

Mostly out of grief, because I valued the amicable relationship
that I had with my brother-in-law, and also because I wish I 
would have stood up for myself when he first started talking to  
me as if I were nothing.

Now he had insulted me on my own property, and embarrassed me in front of my neighbors. My fiancé hasn’t talked to him since the incident, and brother-in-law hasn’t called us to apologize either.

I did wonder why my fiancé didn’t speak up for me, since his younger brother’s behavior towards me was just as much as an affront to him as it was to me. But my darling is just as much of a wimp as I am, and it still wouldn’t have made me feel better. I’ve come to the conclusion that if you don’t stand up for yourself, people will not respect you. From now on, whenever
someone slights me, I will stand up for myself. I don’t care
about people “not liking me.”

I don’t care if it “ruins the friendship,” or “puts me on their bad side.” If they’re already treating me like a doormat, how much worse could it get? I don’t care if it’s a doctor or hairdresser, if they try to screw me over, I’ll see them in court.

I don’t know what will become of my relationship with my brother-in-law. If he apologizes, I’ll gladly accept it, and we can be friends again. If he’s still hell-bent on treating me disrespectfully… Well, I’ll give him more than a piece of my mind. I’m not letting him get away with anymore BS, that’s a promise.