sadly I miss my x bf and best friend. I find myself remembering him randomly during my days—even when Im with my hubbie ..and cant help but become depressed just at the thought of him. When we had broken up, I was more in denial than anything.. I partied and tried various other things to get my mind off it. But slowly and surley..when I wasnt living the fast lane, I’d turn on the tv and= there was a reminder of him. A movie he enjoyed. When I surfed the web and got on my chatline, ironically there was an advertisement on my wall that was one of the superheros which he was really into… I couldnt get away from it. It was sad.. now I will randomly piece together events from my life, unconsciously and place them in a way that reminds me of him. Just everything and anything. I randomly find myself crying at the thought of him-what we could have been.. I keep on telling myself that this keeps happening because we just got along so well. We were always joking around…. but in reality, I think I might not want to see the bigger picture that this issue carries. I believe that issue is=== Even though I am with someone now, Im scared of being alone. Now my x and I had always hung out constantly, after school, the days at school when we didnt see each other and so forth. I just miss that companionship we had as friends..not so much the romantic jazz. XD I have my hubbie and Im happy with him. :) I just miss being close to another person-a good friend and buddie of mine to which we’d hang out every other day, and so forth just because we enjoyed the other person’s company. :) :/ I hate admitting anything to myself like this, let alone to anyone else…. This too is hard for me to do.
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So C is pretty much out of my life-well thank god. I got the impression that he was jelous about my flirting =which didnt even make sense because we were never an item. Haha just makes me laugh. Neways. so—getting the negative people and the people that I dont need out of my life is easier now. I still have a q about my new friend Y. She is a person I met, real quiet reserved type so she’s kinda myserious to me…Dont know if I could trust her but Ive been telling her bout my troubles as if shes a good friend cuz..well I guess I have no one else to turn to…...
Hmmm, well I began talking to an x of mine. Made it clear that Ive been hanging with a guy and my friends. So I guess he kinda gets the drift that Im not single. Each time he flirts with me, I blow it off and shoot back with a friendly comment. So yea, he knows I’m not interested. If he didnt know now, he’ll soon get a rude awakening—over and over & OVER, that Im simply not interested. Ive already got someone..maybe..and thats it.Haha theres no room for you, unless you care to be friends, which I do not mind.
SO I spontaneously met this guy while having lunch. It was the first time I had ever met a guy I thought was cute and actually went up to talk to him, whom I had not known prior this meet. He was shy and reserved, so I was mainly continuing the conversation because I’m the type of person who loves to talk, even though I do have a bit of social anxiety and anxiety period. I just talk it out, you know and that’s how I deal with it. I thought he was a good guy, u know. Shy, kind, quiet, cute, reserved, poetic, intelligent. I liked him and we exchanged numbers after we parted ways to go to our separate classes. We txted each other the two days afterward. It was cute, his responses because he was kinda socially awkward and I thought that it was adorable. We would txt for awhile, and then stop. We stopped txting for about 2 or 3 days. I txted him to hang after the 3rd day wen I was at school to hang wit him at the same lunch spot we met at, and he completely throws me to the lions saying that “he’s sorry bt he doesn’t know who this is.” I got really pissed off and told him that I thought that he was the one I met in the cafe and if he was going to be like that, then maybe he wasn’t worth my time. He txts back his response, which at this point, hits him who I am, messages me back with an accusation of how I am threatening loneliness upon him and not to make him laugh because he is so used to being alone. Then he goes to say that he has been having phone problems. ...(Im usually a mediator when it comes to friends bt in reality Im a hot tempered person who looses her top constantly and hearing this I was like WTF? threatening loneliness upon you? That’s all on you buddy. I had nothing to do with your shyness that causes you to feel confined in your own box. We all have our “boxes” to bear. Some deal with it better than others. Others need professional help. Still, others need guidance from other sources….ANyways back to the long exasperating story I call my F@.*n life.)
So upon hearing this, I felt bad bt also pretty pissed off. i txtd him back saying something like: “Wth? Cant we just forget this ever happens? I thought you blew me off. I txtd u bcuz I wanted2 see if you wanted to have lunch with me in the cafe today.” He txtd back that he could not. He had a big project that he was doing that day and would be in the computer lab until class, I presume. He asked if we cud reschedule. I said sure. We continued to txt until I went to my class. There I went to class and talked to my buddy whom I sit nxt to. We ended up tlking in the absence of me txting that guy. It was pretty weird the class that day and we tlkd about that wen we walked out. He ended up keeping me company that day bcuz no one likes to eat alone, we both agreed. We had a nice long chat together. We found lots of similar commonalities and it was really nice. We laughed, we joked and the time flied like there was no tomorrow. XD I enjoyed it and I could tell he enjoyed my company too. We talked about our class to movies to tv shows to, you name it. We found that we both liked a similar food so he was listing where to go to get the best, but ended up asking me if I wanted to go with him this wk to some places where the food was great. I agreed, not thinking of it as a date or anything, bt then again..he mite..bt it just mite only be if its during dinner rite?.....
*So back to me and the first guy.
We continue to txt after school at about 6 or 7 idk. and hes unusually random. Im like-hey maybe he’s finally opening up to me…but I cant stop thinking about what had happened earlier. I bring it up in one of the txts….This is when this story gets ugly….He says hes a bad kid and that maybe Im rite about him not being good enough for me. He tells me all of the bad stuff he sees in himself (bt I’m thinking—come on, I’m the type of person who wen I get mad, I get mad. I have a short temper. And -again I totally thought he blew me off with the message he sent me about not knowing who this was. I mean WTH!? Who wouldn’t get pissed? and I’m like why the hell wud u diss yourself like that?) Anyways, like I was saying, I txtd back. And this went on for awhile back and forth. I got more and more stressed out. He was determined to show me he was a lost cause and his soul could not be saved. He disrespected me by calling me “sweety” when he was addressing me which really pissed me off and also when he said that he thought he knew me. That also pissed me off. I mean after 1 meet and a handful of txts later… are u fucking kidding me?!? DON’t u dare say u know me when u don’t! That is one of the worst things u could EVER say! and wen he said I was trying to “save him” How the HELL was I trying to do THAT? Please ENLIGHTEN me!!! But despite all this and so much more which was so terribly wrong with his ranting, I knew that he was going through a tough time. I just wanted to be there for him. I offered my friendship. HE continued to say that I didn’t understand him and that it WOULDN’T WORK out between us. no matter if we were dating, or friends. I was aiming for friends from the get-go bcuz the face-to face didn’t bring that sort of spark I had intended. Idk, bt whatever. Bottom line is he didn’t even accept my friendship to the least. That night I couldn’t sleep. I have bad back problems ever since an accident wen I was younger that caused my back to weaken, so stress causes my back to completely give me shots of pain down my spine all the way to my shoulders. My back that night was in pain throughout the whole darkness of that night toward the first rays of the morning, wen I finally rose from my tossed slumber. During that day, I received a txt. Can u guess which person txtd me?
If u guessed the guy that I had a class with..
If u guessed the guy that I met in the cafe..
The latter one is right. SO I noticed this txt. I’m like..wow. I don’t want to talk to you any more than I did b4. You totally made me feel like shit the other night and what reason wud u have 2 b talking to me. You ended it, remember? His txt said something like: Thanks 4 listening 2 me rant last nite. I get out of hand every once in a while. I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore.lol (HAHA is rite! ugh! He has the nerve to txt me back and then put a fucking lol at the back of his fuckin sentence, as if last nite didn’t happen. As if it was peachy keen. Strawberrys and ice cream, GoDDAMMIT! THIS was the last FUCKING STAW! I was GOING to give him a piece of my mind whether he liked it or not. FUCK SAVING HIS EMOTIONS, FUCK PEECHY KEENNESS AND PRETENDING EVERYTHING WAS ALL FUCKIN’ FLOWERS AND DAISIES, THAT EVERYTHING WAS SOO HAPPY GO LUCKY AND SO FINE!) I thought of him as an egotistical nihilistic person. I cant stand egotists. I dislike them with a passion because there is no room for them, in my view, in this world. I don’t think we need them because egotists care only for themselves not others. they are insensitive and manipulative. OOOh I just cant stand them..So I wanted to put him in his place, that what he did to me last nit was wrong and should not be done again or EVER “Just kno IM not ur fukin guinea pig that u cud take ur damn anger out on. You mite be going thru stuff bt ur not the only one. Please leave me alone for awhile. I need to contemplate & think things thru.” The nxt day I listed the pros and cons and because I thought that he stressed me out so much and the way he said he drank and that he “gets out of hand at times” didn’t really help his cause of me feeling that this would not happen to me directly again. i dont want to be the center of his anger again, then a second time, and a third. I dont want this to become a habit for him and me to get into. I cant deal with the stress and the mental abuse that comes with it. He seems like a great guy that Id like to get to know better but is it really worth it? Do I really want to put myself subject to this possible senario just to get to know a guy that I know nothing about?..
Then again, I feel that if I dont give him like that saying says “a second chance” then I’ll feel bad that I didnt.
But on second thought, he did hurt me, & what are the chances that he’ll hurt me again…although I can c that maybe he hurt me because he was anxious and nervous about letting someone else into his life…and also maybe alcohol played a role too. Idk. He does drink…
I had decided no so the day I listed the pros and cons, I txtd him one last time telling him I couldnt be friends with him because he causes me too much stress and that I stress out for the smallest things as it is. I wouldnt be able to handle it on any type of daily, weekly, monthly basis and ended it w/ Idk what to say.
What are your responses to my choice?... Did I make a rite choice? A wrong one? Explain.
All the time I was txting him back and forth, I kept on thinking, I just want to be your friend. Is that so hard to ask?.... I dont know if I made the right decision. Im a very indecisive person, even though this is MY decision to make. I feel like I have to talk to this guy-one-on-one like on the phone or face to face.. He doesnt like tlking on the phone..face to face..idk if we will meet agiain. So whatever. And then agiain, I dk if I just want to be friends with him because I want that companionship of friendship that Ive been missing and longing for because Im quite a lonely person, besides my exterior….. Im so lost. Shud I give him the time of day. I just dont want to get hurt ovr and over and have this as a sick routine I look toward because I know whats coming next. :( I just want to be free. Free of myself wanting others, if that is what is playing its part on this issue. Free of other’s grip on me..like this relationship with this guy mite end up as and free of any other bad friends I may stumble upon. Possibly even the one I mentioned above… “FREE FREE FREE! Like the birds that chirp and fly away. Free like the sun that doth beat after the rain upon the desert gray, soil so frail bt its what we live on, we make the best of what we got becuz we’re given these things to strive from.”-COPYRIGHT TRIXIE THE PIXIE