get rid of my anxiety

One of the big things that causes my anxiety is my inability to deal with stress and my anger. Here’s an example of my inability to take care of my temper, I believe.. :/ ... Heres a blog I wrote not too long ago that sums this idea up:

“Just the other day, literally XD i kissed my friend. It was nice and I had wanted to do such for awhile now. I knew that my friend would not see this as a big deal because i knew that they, in turn, liked me the way I had started to care for them. I could simply tell this by the little signs they gave off when we hung out together as “friends.” Neways so we kissed a good-night kiss and I felt lighthearted and at peace. I couldnt be more happier because I had fallen for my friend-this person who made me laugh and who I had a good time with each time we hung out. Well call this guy “C.”

I got a call from my other friend about a study session and when to meet up. We scheduled to meet the next day. We will call this person “D.” Well D was the guy that I had had an attraction toward since the begining of class and never got the nerve to talk to him until conicidentally an email was sent to all the students in the class by D calling for a study session toward whoever was interested. Since I needed a study session, I gladly replied and soon we ended up talking. One thing lead to another and now we txt and talk casually on the phone. XD neways so before I ever talked to C, I was attracted to D and continued to talk to D because I saw C as just a friend until we kissed and then it seemed to complicate everything…

The next day me and C hung out after class bt was tired and was a bore. He had to pay for me because I didnt have enough money and that might have pissed him off. Neways during the eatery, I had to step out because D called me, so I went to the bathroom to talk more privately. I stayed for quite some time though, now that I think of it, so maybe it was my fault in a way….
D called to cancel our study date that day and instead move it to the nxt day. I agreed that that would be a good idea and we hung up. Strangley he asked me what was the matter.. I told him nothing and that everything was good with a laugh,, It was because C was either pissed off at me, giving me the cold shoulder, idk something bt wen I got back to the table where C was, just having his reactions bounce off me, I felt soo out of it. I just wanted to either try to conversate with him to better the situation or get the hell out of there and have D come pick me up. Damn what a fuckin bust. Neways so there I was sitting at the table with C, bored out of my mind and haha faliing asleep. -Get this he apologizes and says that he’s sorry hes not up for talking because hes sleepy.
I dont know. Maybe Im making a big deal out of nothing. I just wanted to have fun and hang but this day pissed me off,—He pissed me off and after that I didnt want to speak to him for a very long time. This whole day pissed me off. Im just glad I could have the peace of mind to rant it out here. Surprisingly it helps tons…. :,

Im thinking of just forgetting him alltogether and getting to know D more instead of putting D on the backburner because supposedly I got serious with C. Hes just my friend the way I see it. He’s not worth my time if Im going to get pissed off lik this over some shitty little thing he does. Its just not worth it. I want to take my chances with D. See if I have better luck cuz Im not anyone’s %$@!’n bitch. I wont trail around while C does errands anymore. Thats bullshit! I shouldnt be treated like that and shouldnt have let that dick treat me that way. Dammit!
Im sick of this shit. Im taking my chances with D. That’s final.”

This is the blog I wrote not too long ago. By this blog you can see exactly what I am talking about with my anger issues.. :/ and after the whole event- I go straight to choosing a solution, without thinking about the consequences because I have been too worn down thinking about the situation itself to actually think about the solutions and get myself out of the rut that I’m in. Its sad because I know that I am a better person than this and don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to change. I want to be the better person I know I am and not let stupid trivial things like this get to me and change my mood and my emotions. I don’t want to be hung up on things like this, because I have a life and plan to enjoy and be fulfilled with it as much as I can. I will continue to better myself and reach my goal. :) There’s no stopping me once I put my mind to something.

The other day, I went to class and felt so paranoid about being in my fn class. I hated it. Since I entered from the moment I left- I felt that the class was looking at me. It was a really ugly, paranoid, terrible feeling that I had felt. As if they were looking at me in criticism because I hadnt turned in my paper the day before in that class to get reviewed by the teacher and they were criticising me for it. I know that when I say most people, Im being paranoid but I couldve sworn I saw many ppl at least look at me wen I entered the class- and I didnt even enter the class late—-like I usually do. and also..this guy that sits a couple seats away was looking my direction every so often.. It just made things worse..while the teacher in the class is a Bitch and is very tough in our damn papers. We are doing resarch papers for the 1st damn time in the goddamn class. She has high standards still, like with all papers we have done in the past.. I mean..WTF!!?? I just hope I pass …at least. She’s such a shitty teacher. I dont know how people pass with flying colors in her fucking class. There’s so much shady things with her that you can’t get around if you want to do well in a class like this..like the requirements and what she wants to see in the papers.. So stupid.
So the whole time, She scanned the room, I guess she had a knowledge that I didnt turn in my paper on the due date and was constantly looking in my direction as well as the opposite side of the room..Haha & get this—Especially how she empasized she would NOT review late papers given to her. Im like, I wasnt even going to talk to you about mine you Fuckin BItch!! GO FUCK YOURSELF. I have a FUCKIN’ Life -Thank you. Its not just about you and your messed up class, btw.

Now its starting to hit me. I’m getting some social anxiety about my presentation to my class this Monday and am nervous about presenting my Tai-Chi moves in front of everyone. I think this nervousness might be temporary, but Im really freaking out right now and Im scared for what the future might bring. When Im put on the spot, I usually get nervous causing me to forget what I had rehearsed and making my thoughts go blank because there is so much I want to say but I don’t know how to say it in words. I guess over-rehearsal will have to help..no doubt about that. :) I mean its not that I’m afraid of really speaking in front of the class, its more like the judgments they give you if you look stupid. Ugh.. Im just really stressed about it all. But you know its not really what they think or etc.. its how you feel and act in the situation. I will keep this in mind when presenting and this will help tons.