let go

Learn the alchemy true human beings
know: the moment you accept what

troubles you’ve been given, the door
will open. Welcome difficulty

as a familiar comrade. Joke with
torment brought by the Friend.

Sorrows are the rags of old clothes
and jackets that serve to cover,

then are taken off. That undressing
and the naked body underneath, is

the sweetness that comes after grief.
Rumi

[every word, every line resonated so deeply within me last night I want to share it with you]

I love your sunshine.

Your warmth.

Wearing flip flops everywhere.

The Fringe Theatre Festival – waiting in steaming heat with everyone else to watch the unexpected.

My anticipation that starts in June for what may be in the coming months.

Saying Yes! to an invitation to be in an art gallery exhibit next week. For which, I’m almost finished my painting. This makes me nervous and excited.

Quiet afternoons, reading on my balcony, listening to the summer sounds of the city. Having nothing else to do.

Feeling the growing anticipation for the summer movies and then relishing in the spectacle of them.

Watching my basil plant soak up the sun on my kitchen windowsill.

The tranquility that flows through the air when the sun’s shining and all is right.

I waited for the last bow.
That last triumphant bow.
When the final bravo
Echoed into the distance of my mind,
I dared to peek behind the curtain.
My eyes watered.
Shock, anger, rage, curiosity.
Backstage didn’t match the show.
What are these props?
Placid nothingness.
Torched signs.
Nakedness.
The drama on stage
Came out of these?
I waited a lifetime to come backstage.
I’ve been chasing my own tail.
It makes me hysterical.
I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
I want to shred these last steps.
Pull them out, throw them into…

Accept my gratitude.
It’s overdue.
You protected me all this time.
My clothes, sheltering me
From the dangers outside.
I can’t hold it all.
Comprehension fluttering in my palm.
The sun’s coming up.
Slowly, slowly…

- My vibrant health. This flows easily and gracefully, and I’m tremendously grateful that my body does this for me.
- Most things are separated from me only through the distance of a smile.
- I’m changing. I’m a different person from who I was only a year ago. The way I feel and perceive and interact with the world is vastly different. And it all comes down to a feeling.
- Unearthing the truth, accepting it and moving into recovery.
- Peanut butter
- And cheerful sunshine.

Funny it took the looming
End for it all to begin.

Funny that.

I love you.

I give up on happiness,
For now.
Instead, I’m going to
Feed my beast within.
Gorge her on everything
She desires.
My beast’s been roaring
Through the leaves,
But I didn’t hear
Because I was humming logic.
She eats rationale
For breakfast, dines
On reasoning, feasts
On the known.
She crushes all
And sprinkles their
Crumbs over muesli.
I, palms open skyward,
Offer all my affection.
I give up searching for happiness.
She is the answer to my eternal
Question: Why do I keep trying?
My beast is roaring.

Denial is wonderful.
She curves around my eyes,
Softly shimmering my vision.
She coos me to sleep.
In the softness of night,
Denial whispers away my worries.
The harsh daylight fractures
Into rainbows when looked
Through her lens.

There’s a price to pay
For this secret dance.
The worries are never
Carried away.
Around the corner at most.
Waiting.
Though Denial is a soft,
Comforting hand on my shoulder,
Its other hand brings
Up the baggage.

I’m weary.
The shadows under
My eyes grow darker.
It’s not happiness I want.
Denial, I truly believed I did.
Happiness is weaved out
Of water that slips
Through my fingers.
I grip, I hold,
I try again and again.
It always slips away.

Looking down at the
placid pavement, I saw Truth.
You stared back at me,
And I knew.
I’m the weaver.
And I make it slip away.
It’s the other I want.

The left side of me is never quite contented. Most of my injuries and soreness happens on my left. My neck’s been very sore on this side for almost two weeks.

Operated by the right brain.

What does this mean?

These mysterious pains set up residence within me, giving me no notice, they don’t even bother to knock for an invitation. They simply show up and stay. Then, just as mysteriously, they vanish. I never truly understand why, and I only realized two days ago how my pain skews to the left.

Operated by the right brain – intuition, creativity, femininity.

Me, I’m not girly, for sure. Never. Neither is my mom. But I’ve always liked this about me. I can play sports and twirl in dresses. I’m also ambidextrous. Another thing I like. So why the off-balance?

Thank you
For confronting me at every turn.
Thank you
For not giving up on me.
Thank you
For insisting I listen to you.

You taught me to walk
Through your solid walls.
You persevered when I
Gave into illusions.
When I ran away, you ran faster.
When I refused to look
You stepped in front of me.
When I repressed, suppressed, denied,
You made the earth move
With your commanding voice, “LOOK AT ME.”
And now I am.

No more running.
No more hiding.
No more crouching behind masks.
Here we are,
Face to face.
We’re the same height.
I thought you taller, bigger.
But we’re the same.
I’m not afraid anymore.
The more I look at you,
The more human you become.
In place of the old panic and shame
Is mere discomfort.
I can do this.
Standing here, gazing at your face.

- Why does time seem to fly so fast lately?
- What makes peanut butter so alluring?
- Chicken wing cravings – illusion or genetic?
- Why are the things just out of my grasp the most attractive?
- Why does inner change take so damn long?
- What’s the best way to celebrate profound inner change?
- How the heck do I get out of my own way?
- Why am I blocking my way in the first place?
- How come self-obsessed people are so fascinating?