ask for what I need

I would like a job that’s in an area that fascinates me[marketing, spirituality…?], where I feel stimulated and challenged. I also want co-workers who are mature and supportive and kind. This is what I want and need at the moment.

A few days ago I wrote about an issue I was having with a co-worker about some feedback I got, which felt like criticism. Well, I slayed that dragon. I dug around in my dark places, found where the hurt and anger were coming from, and changed my thinking around it.

The very next day our relationship drastically changed. Where there was anger and confusion before, now there’s smiles and kindness. I’m still amazed at how quickly and dramatically it all changed. All it took was for me to change my inner script.

I need to dig out the part of me that hurts every time I feel criticized and toss it across the river. I need a better way to deal with these feelings. I need to uproot this and banish it for good.

Every time I feel criticized I become the little girl that was constantly lectured by her father and had no way to speak up and felt no way to defending herself. The only comfort I had was to go within and deal with it in private. Once these feelings went inside, resentment, anger and hurt would grow and linger.

I don’t want to operate this way anymore. I did what I did when I was younger because it was the only option for me, but now I do have options and I can change. What I really want is to kick this self-defeating attitude out the door. I’m writing this because these feelings came up through something that happened at work yesterday. Someone gave me some feedback, and something about the way she did it stirred up all the old hurt feelings again. And suddenly I felt like a sullen teenager filled with fuck you attitude.

Everything else about the job is fine. It’s just the old, well-worn feelings her feedback brought back to the surface. Truly it has nothing to do with this person, it’s just the past showing me where I still have hidden pain. I don’t know just yet how to change this over, I just know that I’m going to.

A few weeks ago I ran into a friend at the park across the street from my home. We had a fantastic conversation about my favourite topic: spirituality. It turns out it was his, too. We talked for over an hour and I left feeling happy.

He’s been calling and texting me to get together ever since. Each time it’s been last minute invites and I had to turn him down. I get the feeling that he wants to recreate the conversation we had at the park, but I know from experience that you can’t recreate moments, you can only have new ones.

Because he’s pushing to get together again I feel myself moving away from him. I’m starting to feel cautious and weary. Partly because of the reason above, and also because I feel pressured to have the same level of deep conversation again and I don’t want to disappoint him. At the same time, I’m also flattered.

I also get the feeling that he’s really wants deeper connections. Which we all are, really. Though, these moments are best when they’re spontaneous, not forced. He wants to get together this week and I’d like that, but I want to find a way to tell him that I need space. True friendship needs time to breathe.

Just came back from the doctors’. The sprain in my neck isn’t getting better and I’m not sleeping well because of it. I got an over-the-counter medication, so fingers crossed. After a month of enduring this pain, I need it cured. This is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. It intrudes on every part of my life. Can’t sleep, can’t enjoy anything, and can’t think straight.

I need to be back to my healthy self again.

“Don’t worry. I’m coming back.”

I said these words to you.
To me.
Don’t worry. I’m coming back.

I gently undo the knots.
One by one,
My fingers loosen,
Unfold the ties to my former self.
A blue blanket,
Soft and warm.
I undo the knots.
Each one in succession.
I undo the knots.
Slowly and gently.

Yoga class,
It’s dark,
And there’s tears.
I wipe them away,
They keep on flowing.
It’s dark.

I don’t know,
So I give it over to you.
I let go,
And I’m still here.
So I give it over to you.
Because I don’t know.

I don’t want to do it all on my own anymore. Maybe it’s the only child in me that always assumes I can or I have to figure it out alone. I can’t. This Saturday convinced me. And, I don’t want to anymore.

To help me deepen my resolve, I’m going to make this goal my theme for next year. 2010 is going to be my,”Ask for what I need” year. I’m going to clearly, directly ask for what I need and want. No shying away. No shrugging. No ”...Ummm’s” or ”...I was just wondering…if I could just…”

Starting now, I’m going to do my best with only these words: “I need_” or “I would like you to__”.

I don’t usually put myself out there by making my wishes known and often secretly hope that others meet my needs anyway (this requires them to be able to read my mind). Not articulating myself clearly sets up the cycle where I feel that I must do it all alone and this leads me down the dark road of frustration.

I had a dream two nights ago that spoke to this goal.

I was standing on the sidewalk watching gleaming new buses pass by. They were all empty and I wanted to get on every one of them because each one was going to an unknown, exciting destination. I stood by watching them longingly as if they were offerings at a tantalizing buffet. But each one passed me by and I didn’t know how to make them stop. Then a voice, perhaps my own, told me that all I had to do was flag them down. I had to tell them to stop for me. And I thought, “That’s it? That’s all I have to do?”

Easy.