Live Enchantedly

I never do things small. Either I do it big or not at all. There’s no shallow end in my pool. I circle around the perimeter, gathering all the informaton that I can and then, when I have all that I need, I dive into the deep end. No lifesaver, nothing. Just me. I like that I immerse myself into everything that I choose to do, and it also scares the jeepers out of me. I dove in last night by reconnecting with two friends that I purposely lost touch with. I feel strong and happy that I did it. Tomorrow I will dive even deeper.

It’s been pointed out to me that I tend to walk away when relationships get stormy. My friend, J., has been encouraging me to challenge myself and work through the inevitable difficult times in relationships. I see this avoidence tendency in myself, but I haven’t truly dedicated myself to facing it.

It now seems the Universe is getting impatient with me, and threw a brick at my hard head to get me to learn to work through the tough times. I see this in the way my ex-employer refuses to let me resign from the freelance project. It’s as if he keeps trying to find ways to work out this ruptured relationship. At least this is how I’m choosing to view this awful situation – it’s a learning opportunity for me to work through all the unease I have with facing issues throughout a relationship. I can use this to experiment and feel what it’s like to stay with it and heal.

I feel magical right now, like my spirit is tingling. What a contrast from yesterday, where I was raging against the world. Allowing myself to vent last night and recognizing that we all do it got me to my current state of enchantment. I feel like I can make anything happen. It also helped that, this morning, I emailed the person who angered me and told him straight up what was bothering me. He responded with a goonball answer, and that was okay because it showed me who he really is and it gave me the push to resign from this project. Hence my state of happy. Thank you to this person for pushing and pushing me to learn this lesson of: knowing that it’s okay to walk away.

I try hard to be grateful for the glitter that’s everywhere when I look around my life. But sometimes I just want to fucking rip down the walls, kick over the door and scream at the top of my lungs, “I don’t give a fuck!” I did this today by letting white rage take over me. It didn’t feel good or even cathartic, only lunacy. This rarely happens to me[being overcome by raging emotion], and I didn’t realize how angry I was until I got home where it hit me like a sudden hurricane. I yelled, I slammed the door way too hard, and yelled more. I do recognize that this happens and I’m human.

Being back in my former work environment was a bad, necessary lesson. I learned that getting myself worked up before even setting foot in the office is bad. I learned that people who don’t care about others should be avoided all the times – they’re truly vexations to the spirit. I learned that my perceptions of everything is not always the right. There is good in the world.

There’s an effusive quality to being a part of life; to be fully alive when each moment stands singularly against the sky, when each person is a story, and each oddly pulled up sock has meaning. When there are no judgements, and the criticisms and comparisons cease, there are only stories. Stories that we tell each other in silence. Do you hear me? Our shoes tell of the heartaches we surmounted to become someone that matters, the cut of our hair whispers the secrets we hide but wished someone understood. We are each an open secret waiting for the right key. Do you hear me?

Do you?

I paint my days with broad strokes and lively colours. Each moment is infused with light. I make it up as I go. No grand design, just a need to learn. I’ll always be a student of life; never graduating, and I don’t want to. There are sweet mistakes waiting for me to taste, and lightening moments ahead where I’ll say, “Aha! I never thought of it that way before.”

I’m starting to feel other people, or, more succinctly, their energy. There’s something removed from logic that connects us all to each other. I can’t explain what it is. I do know that it’s hidden from the rational intellect. For the last two days I’ve been feeling that some freelance work was coming my way, and it was going to come from my last place of employment. I had no concrete reason to believe this and I pushed it off as wishful thinking. But I couldn’t totally ignore it because it wasn’t just a hunch, it was a knowing. Today, I got a call confirming that they’d like to work with me again. Perhaps, we’re all connected through the energy we each radiate from our spirit, and being available to the moment allows for it to be noticed.

Happiness suddenly burst into full colour inside me today as I was walking through my home. I was looking at the new fresh flowers that I got and I instantly became really happy. It was a genuine ‘being in the moment’ moment. The past and future didn’t exist. I was refreshingly in the now. It felt…lively, expressive, light, joyful, giddy, like the first taste of sweet candy.

This is my favourite goal. It asks that I accept the magic that’s in the world. That’s all it asks.

So far, I feel that I’m still a long way from achieving this goal. Seeing the world enchantedly is not at the top of my consciousness when I walk through the world. Becoming more present is going to help a lot with this goal.

So far, I’ve learned this about love: It needs to be appreciated fully because you never know when it will disappear. Loving someone and accepting that it may not last forever makes us appreciate the person every time we see them; it’s being thankful for each moment. Each glance and kiss is as sweet as the first. Just seeing them brings on a smile. Happiness is in appreciating what we’ve got.