keep in touch with old friends

Since I went back to work, I’ve given up on contacting many people. Over the holidays, I plan to contact both Lisas, Carol, and look around for more old friends before New Year’s. I’ll have the time and maybe it will cheer me up. I have to stop being scared of talking to these people.

I dreaded it for nothing. She is worn out by life like me. She is taking the prerequisites for a new career in radiology. When she got her BS 20+ years ago, she got it in communications/television. What a change. Her life is filled with the demands of her kids and husband. She invited me to call her but I swear I hate calling people. I’d rather they call me. I’ve read that anything that you don’t want to do is because you fear that you aren’t good enough. Yes, I fear I’m not as good as she is. Why won’t she volunteer to call me? Maybe she fears that she isn’t as good as me because I have had a career in my field while she has spent the last 20 years as a wife and mother. I’ve got to get over myself. I did email her again. If she responds that will help me build my nerve up some more.

She must never check her email. I can’t make myself open it yet. Carol is probably happy and I don’t feel able to be able to be happy with her right now. My best friend’s nephew died Sunday. I’ve been trying to help her deal with it. somehow it feels disloyal to be happy with my old friend because the grief of my friend is so fresh. For some reason, I dread opening her email. I almost wish she had ignored me like I thought she had.

I’ve been putting off contacting one person by email for over a year. She was once of my closet friends in high school but she married into money after college. I began to feel that I wasn’t as good as her and that she would judge me. I also didn’t like some things she said and did once we got out of college. Once I took a day off work to go see her. She knew I had planned this but she left early because her infant was bothering her parents. If she had only communicated with me, I would have made arrangements to meet her. She just said I was single and could come to her because it was different when you have kids. That may be true but she still hurt my feelings and didn’t apologize. I may have been single but I still had responsibilities and couldn’t just drop everything. I’ll probably feel better if she responds to my email. I don’t expect things to be the same though. I have had dreams about her for years. It’s like my mind created a whole other life in my dreams. I guess I could have called her but if I have felt rejected by someone, I procrastinate any contact sometimes for years.

It was nice to see her again and update each other on our lives. Praying for one old friend with cancer. Trying to get my nerve up tp contact my best friends from high school. I don’t know why this is so hard. I’m going to try contacting one’s mother while I visiting my parents on Father’s DAy if I don’t chicken out again. Must keep my nerve! I’ve been reading old letters. Two were to friends that I know ended due to differences. It was sad to read the letters but i’ve moved on.

An old friend emailed me that she has skin cancer and wanted me to prayer for her. I agreed and suggested she check out 43 Things for encouragement and setting goals for recovery.

Honestly, catching up with the friends I’ve contacted and my present friends keeps me plenty busy. I have two that I need to contact soon. I dream about them all the time. In my dreams, they have developed a dream life of my unconscious mind’s creation. Sometimes they have messages for me. I rarely remember what those are when I wake though. could it be that I am afraid to talk them again? YYYYYYYYYeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss! All the more reason to do it now!

I just lost one of those old friends to a motorcycle accident. I haven’t seen her in nearly 30 years yet I’m crying. Why? I can’t miss her because it has been so many years. What have I lost but a piece of my life, my history that I didn’t realize was important to me. She was wild, rebellious and outrageous when I knew her. She told me not to hang out with her because I would get a bad reputation. I was so naive at that age. She knew and understood what I was. She was into sex and wild parties. I was the studious type. They said in high school that she would turn out badly. I don’t know if she did. I’m guessing she didn’t change much. From her pictures in the video tribute, she looked happier than me. She had a baby in high school, didn’t go to college for the career, got married young, divorced and married again. She loved the beach and lived there. She had at least one more child and grandchildren. She lived life fully. I hope she rests in peace.

She was everything that I am not. I liked her and considered her my friend. Even if I didn’t understand everything she was about.

If nothing else, this is a red neon sign saying get together with your old friends before it is too late—AGAIN! Don’t wait until tomorrow.

I got in touch with one old friend via Facebook. there are at least 3 more to go but I have made progress. She was happy to hear from me. I had followed things that I had happened to her over the years but never contacted her. I feel kind of gutless for not but I had my own problems at the time. Maybe we’ve both grown enough not to be overwhelmed by the pain we’ve both experienced over the years. This is the main reason I have not contacted her or other friends over the years. I just don’t know sometimes how much more I can handle of other people’s pain. I feel so saturated—even dripping. I want to be a good friend so I need to get past this fear of remembered pain from adolescence. That time of trial by fire so good and so bad all at once. Actually, I was contacted by another old acquaintance. He had not changed. I found him still abusive and blocked him from contacting me further. I guess that still counts though. it falls under the past I still want to avoid for very good reasons!

I have old friends that I would like to reconnect with but haven’t for one reason or another. Maybe it’s a kind of fear of the past. I don’t want to remember some of the things that happened when I knew these people. Then I am consumed with curiosity about who they’ve become. Then I get afraid that they won’t like who I’ve become or I won’t like who they’ve become. I think it is time I rise above my fear and just find out one way or another what the truth is!