Well, today is Rosh Hashanah and a perfect time to think about what this goal means. I’ve had this sitting on my list for one or maybe even two years now, not sure.
I think I am only now beginning to understand what it is I want to achieve out of this goal, and have an idea of the person I want to become.
This last year has been a good one, but also a hard one. We’ve had moments of great joy, such as our wedding, the birth of our nephew, completing the Pan Mass Challenge… but we have also had moments of difficulty. When our friend passed away, I know I was left with a lot of unanswered questions. For a while I didn’t know how or what to do. While I didn’t turn to prayer or specific rituals in Judaism to find the answers, I think I’ve come to realize I began to do things to answer them that make me a better person and better Jew.
The sense of sadness I have when I think of him is very deep, and it will never change from this feeling – but I understand it now, it is a familiar feeling. And it is a feeling I can use to propel me to balance in my own life. From the simple, like making sure I take the time to exercise and relax and not feel harried, to the more socially and community oriented, such as my husband and I working together to raise thousands of dollars for cancer research. It’s also smaller acts such as smiling at people, being slow to become frustrated and quick to forgive, helping them achieve something in their own lives. I have tried to do this in times past when it seemed a good thing, when I was in the right mood and so on, but how to explain this? It’s never been a need of mine to do this, and over this year I think I’ve realized a bit more deeply that we only get one chance, one life, with these people and these circumstances, and we need to do something positive with it.
But I have also found more balance after going through work changes as well. I think if there is unhappiness in our work lives, it comes out in our personal lives. How can it not, in this society where we value by work almost instantly – evident in the frequent just-met-you line of “What do you do [for a living]?” at social gatherings? For the longest time, this question bothered me, maybe in part because I didn’t want to just amount to a corporate cog in another person’s mind.
While I still am a corporate worker, I find this question bothers me less now. For one, I have long term plans to have a different answer, and I am working toward those plans. I’ve also moved to a work situation which I think I’ll be in more balance – closer to home, smaller company. I also am happier realizing that what I am doing today work wise is giving me the opportunity to have a dimensional life outside of work. I am involved in things that I am equally if not more excited about, and if someone’s talking to me for more than a brief minute, they come up pretty quickly.
I think I’m rambling at this point… so I’ll close by sharing a story I read in a book recently, paraphrased. I think it’s this I am after – how to be connected to the moment, to those around me, and appreciate the time we get together.
A great rabbi was to visit a town in Russia once. The townspeople spent much time discussing how to host the rabbi and what questions to ask the wise man. When the rabbi came to the town, the townspeople had crowded together in a room. As he looked around, he could sense the excitement and tension as the anxious people looked at him. After a while he began to hum. The townspeople began to join him in humming. Then he started to sing a familiar song, and they joined him in singing. Finally, he stood up and began to dance, and the townspeople joined him in dancing. Soon, the whole community was participating, enjoying themselves, and the tension was gone. After a while, he slowed the dancing and singing, looked at the group and said ‘I trust I have answered all your questions…”
