be more positive

Every time I try and be positive it just seems to blow up in my face.

I saw that guy again, stupidly thinking that this time it would be different. But it wasn’t. And now I definitely feel like it is my fault that I let him do it to me.

Last night me and my mate went out for halloween. Randomly got talking to these guys in the club and went onto a bar with them. I was just chatting to one of them and we just seemed to get on really well. He took my number and when I had to leave cos my mate was so drunk, he text me straight away so I had his number and then he rang me about half hour later. So I thought, well maybe he does wana meet up or something. But I text and called [prob shudnt hav done] and I have heard nothing. My mate keeps saying that its quite soon, but I just know he ain’t guna text me. Just the stuff he was saying and he obviously weren’t drunk. It’s hard to stay positive when I keep thinking that there is something wrong with me

Looking back at my time in April, I know that those times were hard, but seriously I would be happy to go back to that time than to be here right now.
I’m finding it really hard to cope right now. I KNOW that it is me that can change my life, just there are things I wana do in the future that are guna stop me doing me things to make myself happier right now. For example, I have moved back home after uni and I hate where I live and being back in the parents house. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. I know I could get a job and move out but then all my money would be going on that and not on saving to go travelling.

It does make me laugh though. My second to last entry that is. The same guy I went on a date with then, I went out with last friday! I dunno if it was a date, we both just went to the cinema, but still! It makes me laugh that I felt that way about him and I feel that way about someone else now haha.

i think i am actually at the point where i could not be any less negative.
i don’t wana use this as a place to moan but it’s good to have a place where i can record these lows day.
i am also noticing that i hav no recorded any positive days either. there have definitely been positive days in my recent life, just it seems i am only interested in recording negative things.
mayb this needs to change

I’m not doing very good at this today.
I think a mixture of lack of sleep and too much drink yesterday and today has made me feel crap.
I went on a date last nite and it was wonderful. I didn’t wana leave his today. but left in the ‘dunno where this is goin; does he really like me; does he wana keep seein me; y wudnt he mood’ and i jst wanted to ask him how he was feelin but it was only r like 4th date and didnt wana talk bout it too soon ya know.
but everythin progressed last nite
ahhh i hate feelin like this. y cant i jst go wit the flow-y do i have to think bout everythin too much :(

I was having a good talk with my mum last nite about everythin that is happenin in my life at the mo and i kept finidn myself sayin “it prob wont happen, but was a nice thout”.
ive been like this for a long time. always expecting the worst so that i wudnt b disapointed. i thout it was a good plan cos then things cheered me up and nothin really let me down. but it is not healthy at all!
I am now hating the fact that i am so pessimistic and always see the glass as half empty. ive realised that is one of the things that is making me so unhappy-the fact that i dont have any faith in anythin. if a plan doesnt work out then that is the way it was meant to be!
im not making excuses, cos i no its my own fault, but bein wit my ex didnt help me be positive cos he never was. im so glad i am finally livin my life for me!
im guna start being more positive from now on!
i know it is going to be hard and so many ppl on here have sed so, but i wana change!