find myself

Life is complicated. One day I plan on doing a walkabout in Australia. But I don’t think I will find myself there. I know the man I want to be, but is that the man I am destined to become? Some people are capable of writing their own fate, but I’m not sure if I am one of those people. If I ever get there I am sure it will be worth, until then I’ll sit back and enjoy the ride.

Been doing a lot of partying, just enjoying life right now. Haven’t dug deep into my inner self in a while. I’m happy with things as they are right now. Eventually I plan on doing a walk about in Australia, perhaps I’ll find myself there.

Everyday, I sit in my empty house and ponder a lot of things. I have been watching “My Name is Earl” a lot lately. I don’t feel like I have wronged a whole lot of people, but I do feel like there are somethings I would like to make up for. I do believe in karma, and life has been pretty good to me, even though lately some of it has been a struggle. I try not to ever burn bridges with people, and if I do on accident I work hard at building a new one, even if it is only a rope bridge. I tend to lie a lot about things I shouldn’t even bother lying about. It has just worked well for me for so long, I sometimes don’t even think about it until later, I hate myself for doing it though. Usually I lie to protect myself from being embarrassed or to make myself look a little better. Usually they are just those little white lies, but I am starting to learn now that a bunch of little white lies can start to get blinding when they all come together. I constantly work on being a better person. I do get annoyed pretty easily with ignorance, especially at work. I try not to show it at all, because I know most people can’t except change. I think I am one of the most adaptive people ever. Some people would call me a nihilist, but that label would be very wrong. I do care about everything I do. I just don’t mind trying things a different way for a while. Also it again comes to the ignorance thing again, I just stop caring when ignorant people try to change everything so that it works the way they’re used to it working. Sure I’ll try it out and if it works better than before I’ll adapt it, but if it doesn’t, well then I go back to how I did things before even if it’s against the grain. Well I guess it all just comes down to Carpe Diem.

I think a good way of discovering who I am is to document my whole life. I am going to start a kind of biography. Just more of an outline of everything I can remember throughout my whole life. Hoipefully I will be able to get the chronology somewhat correct.

I realized that a lot of what I was apoligizing for is something I should never apoligize for, being me. No one should ever have to apoligize to someone for being theirselves. Anyway this was just a thought that popped in my head.

I apoligize all the time. It pretty much is a just a bad habit for me, because some of the time I have nothing to be sorry for. I stopped for a while, but recently I found myself doing it again. So we’ll see if I can sustain this for a little longer this time.