date SMARTER

so i sort of… well, let’s not say “give up” on Mr Tokyo, because i didn’t. just accepted that he’s not terribly responsive when i try to drop a line, and i like it when they make a bit of effort. if i’m not single when he’s back, he doesn’t get to whine about it.

then i started this yoga class at the fitness club on Wednesday nights. there was this guy in the class i thought was really hot. you know, just in a Mr Bendy Eye Candy “way out of my league” sort of way that i had no intentions of trying to talk to because it was probably futile. there were so many other girls in the class he could talk to, more made-up and delicate and feminine…

until one night when i was at the IT firm i teach English to on Mondays. i’d gotten there a bit early, so i went to the washroom, came out and (brain scramble) what is Mr Bendy Eye Candy doing at the place where i _{and The Elusive Mr Tokyo} work?

he’s here because he works here. he’s a programmer. which means he’s hot bendy eye candy who is professional and NERDY. melt.

the power of sheer coincidence gave me the nerve to talk to him before yoga the next Wednesday night. he seemed happy to talk, and we usually exchange a “konbanwa” or “otsukaresama” (good evening, you must have worked hard today) but never any longer conversation because there’s usually some random coworker or two with him, and i don’t want to embarass him in front of older coworkers. younger ones are ok, but not older ones; it’s a Japanese thing.

this is becoming a mild obsession. and i am way too old to be having obsessions of any kind with someone i don’t even know his name let alone relationship status or whether he’s be interested in some kooky foreign girl who speaks broken Japanese and tends to fall over during the side plank pose. plus there’s the fact that he works in the same department at the same company as Mr Absentee Tokyo, which could be…erm… interesting.

basically, next Wednesday is my last night i can do yoga before heading to the states for 3 weeks, and i’m thinking of just handing him a slip of paper with my number on it and a “happy new year” message (damn i wish i had business cards, they’re so much more innocuous). this “drop a bomb and run” tactic seems doable, but i don’t want it getting around his office and my students and Mr Tokyo finding out… but this obsession needs to stop, or it needs to result at least in a cup of coffee or something. anything. ugh. any thoughts?

on a high note though, i’m getting better at yoga, and he now tends to take the mat next to me. probably can’t help but notice my newfound bendiness. ;)

so off and on during this year, i was dating/hanging out with/casually screwing or whatever you want to call it with medical school student. smart, charming (a little too charming at times) good English… and with all intentions of doing his residency in Nagoya and then practicing in the US someday. well, i have no intentions of leaving Japan, so if we became Legitimately Boyfriend and Girlfriend, we’d just be killing time. he, being 3 years younger than me, is alright with killing time, but that bores me. i want to find one i can kill time with indefinitely. so, i was alright with only meeting up maybe once a month for a little, ahem, “fun.”

or so i thought… because i bumped into him a few nights ago at the bar, the drunken flirtation started again, he made some comment in Japanese about how hot i looked in the skirt i was wearing, and we paid our bar tab and started walking home together…

and then he tells me he has a girlfriend.

BANG ZING ZOWIE

suddenly, in my drunken state, he became a betraying scumbag who only wanted to play around with the foreign chick before finding a nice, proper japanese girl he can take home to mom and dad, and i was the foreign slut trash who no one wants as a girlfriend, even of the “killing time” variety. i kinda went off on a teary tirade and ran off, leaving him to watch me go.

i felt like an absolute worthless piece of crap. i don’t know if anyone else can relate to my particular situation, but as a foreign woman in Japan, sometimes i just feel like the girl they want to play around with before settling down. everything else here is fine; i have good friends and i’m starting a graduate school program that will help me achieve my dream of becoming a lecturer/language teacher in a Japanese university. but the love thing… everything seems to be against me. all i want is for someone to think i’m good enough to want to take me to dinner at their parents’ house, have the balls to say “well yes Grandma, she is from that country that vaporized your uncle in the war, but i love her and she makes me happy.”

that’s all i want. and every rejection i get, even from someone i KNOW isn’t really worth it, feels like further confirmation that i’m just not worth the damn trouble. sure, intellectually i know that’s not true, that i’m being both sexist and racist, but… i just can’t stop thinking this way. i want to, but i don’t know how… even in my own country, i’ve never felt like i really have anything to offer a relationship besides the superficial stuff (decent looks, brains, good musical taste, good in bed) and nothing that will keep them around. now i have an excuse to feel alienated.

it’s funny, all through high school i felt like i didn’t even have the superficial stuff to attract guys, and now that i have all that, i’m finding that, despite the 2 master’s degrees, 3 languages and 12 years, i’m still the same fucked-up neurotic head case i was at 15.

sigh.

he’ll be in Tokyo until whatever project he’s doing there is finished.

sigh.

i know it’s not his fault or his choice, but god this sucks. but then again, i’m starting grad school at the end of this month and, even if he were here, i’d probably only get to hang out with him once or twice a month anyway.

also, i managed to do a Very Scary Thing. i told him, in Japanese, exactly what i had meant by “I like you,” meaning that i wanted to pursue a friendship with him and see if something can develop from that naturally; not that i necessarily expected some heavy thing from him immediately. then i asked him if hanging out would be alright when he’s back from his Tokyo project, and he said yes.

but that he doesn’t know exactly when that will be… (_‘)

and if the same damn thing happens again like all the others (i.e. he fucks off to some distant city and finds someone better/easier to be with/in essence, Japanese), this time i think i really might snap.

before i told the other members of my class, that i’m going to grad school. his reaction was strange, crossing his arms in that way he does when he doesn’t know what to do with himself, and saying a noncommittal “oh…” kind of like my reaction when he told me he’d be working in Tokyo for 3 months god i hope it’s actually 3 months and not time indefinite, like a “well that’s cool for you, so i’m going to be a supportive friend, but i can see how this may affect me negatively.

it’s just… his words say literally “i’m not ready,” but the actions say “i want you.” oh well. he’s still in Tokyo for the time being, and should be back in another month or 2. it’s alright, i have grad school preparations to make, and being moony crazy in love when school starts might actually fuck me up. i tend to throw myself into work when i get broken, so getting dicked over again like usual could actually benefit me.

this whole distance-derailment situation is scarily like the one with Dr Dude and I’m trying really hard to remind myself that… well, it’s totally different. worst that could happen here:
1.) his company tells him to stay in Tokyo for time indefinite
2.) he gets a new chick while he’s there, or there was one to begin with.
3.) he’s not a shy Japanese computer programmer at all, but actually in a recruitment program for spies sent to North Korea to disable nuclear weapons and therefore is placing his life in mortal peril every day.

if any of the above scenarios are true, i guess i would do the following, as usual:
1.) drink a bottle of red wine and watch Bruce Lee fuck some people up on DVD
2.) listen to Queen’s greatest hits albums as many times as it takes to cheer up
3.) drown myself in schoolwork and teaching
4.)imagine Freddy Mercury dancing around to “Another One Bites the Dust” draped in a Union Jack whenever i feel too broken to work
5.) do cool stupid shit with friends
6.) find some hobby or cause that’s bigger than me and my dumb crap

why not just do 3, 5 and 6 now…?

oh yeah, and realise that a lot of this infatuation i feel could be infatuation for Mogwai’s song Fear Satan, which we saw live together. fucking ethereal. _{and i’m probably the only chick he knows who would have sex with him with that song playing in the background and appreciate it like he would!! ha!!}

Doogie: friends warned me about him. his friends, not mine. lost his contact info when cell phone was stolen. not upset by this.

became attracted to a new guy, went out with him last weekend…
single: check.
actually nice: check.
still emotionally damaged from ex: check.

sigh.

i want to continue being friends and just give it time and see what happens. that seems to be the right thing to do now. but i have to wonder… is that because this is truly worth putting up a fight for, or is this just me wanting what is currently unavailable because it’s safe?

i’m an INTJ to the core. always have been. so, face to face human interaction really isn’t my thing. in fact, it dawned on me yesterday that it’s quite possible that i picked such “people oriented” work (i.e. teaching and bartending) because, without getting paid for talking to people, i’d probably be living in a cave or hiding in a watchtower with a rifle or something. so, sometimes i think dating really isn’t my thing either. i thought going after scientific types like doctors and engineers might help, that they would appreciate a direct, results-oriented approach like mine seems to be: “You. me. date. friday. ok?” i just can’t do all that eye-batting breathy voiced Marilyn Monroe shiteand stupid girly mind games. but that seems to be the requirement, because even the scientific types suddenly get “busy” after the first time we make out. you know what, i don’t like waiting for someone to call. sure, i could get on with my life as i had been before i met the guy, if it weren’t for the annoying fact that meeting a guy i feel a click with tends to release a lot of pent-up loneliness. i don’t know the first thing about where that balance is. i do nothing, and some pushy bitch snatches up the guy i wanted. i take some initative and do the calling, and he suddenly has 8 medical conferences and 3 business trips to go to in a week. what the hell??? what am i doing wrong? fuckity fuck fuck!

2nd date with #2… yes, a good bit of alcohol involved… hand-holding… goodnight kiss that turned into a makey-outey kiss and other such pervery…

mm. yeah. this decision thing isn’t so difficult after all. :p

but the trouble is i SUCK and really starting things. true, i incoherently babbled to him at 3am about how i want a boyfriend but i have no intentions of giving up my own dreams of being a university lecturer if i ever get married, and at some point he grabbed my hand, but i don’t think that counts when we’re both drunk. but hey, in vino veritas.

and then there’s the whole neurosis thing. i think i’ve come pretty far in knowing my gifts and what i can bring to a relationship, but… there’s this part of me that comes out and tries to convince the rest of me that if i really like someone, i’m setting myself up to get hurt. you know, like “ok seriously, Effekt?who are you to have someone fun and cute and intellectually stimulating and interesting that you’re crazy about, let alone have him be crazy about you in return. HA! what insolence!” and that i just stick with the other guy who is “nice” but i’ve come to realize doesn’t completely “do it” for me, and hope i can convince myself to have feelings for him, because it’s safer to go with someone for whom the feelings aren’t as strong.

heh. speaking of incoherence, and i haven’t had a drop of alcohol tonight. does any of this sound completely nuts? and how do i make it go away?

so i decided to give another shot to Shuntaro, a guy i’d sort of given up on. we’ve seen each other a few times since the start of the new year. he’s a bit shy but can be pretty direct when he wants to be, kind of a strong silent type. it’s not fireworks,in fact our last lunch date went a bit like this:
me: so, how was your business trip?
him: (between bites of rice) good.
me:... ok. so um… did you see some of your university friends while you were there?
him: yeah.
me: ok….

but he feels safe. comfortable. the usual neurosis and insecurity that plagues me in these situations is absent. but i don’t know if this is because he could be the real thing, or… if i’m just not that into him.

and last Friday night i went to my usual bar and bumped into this guy . he was much more lucid and sober this time, and apologized profusely for the way he’d acted when we first met. talking to him was like breathing. he asked for my phone number. i gave it to him.

now, Shuntaro and i never said we were exclusive, and what he doesn’t know in this stage can’t hurt anyone. i firmly believe that there’s a certain selection process that goes into this kind of thing, and i intend to enjoy it as much as possible if you get my drift. and this other guy, Yasu… from what i’ve seen so far, i think i could potentially really like him. a lot. to a point that kind of scares me. but hey, i haven’t even been out with him yet. let’s not jump the gun.

... then sorry. my bad _{and S helped, hehehee!!}.

suffice it to say… something happened on Friday night/Saturday morning that had not happened for me in a DISTURBINGLY long time. and i’m rather happy about it. use your imagination.:D

and now it’s just a nice limbo, the kind i would have dreaded in my younger days, when i know that i would like something more eventually, and i know he would too, but neither of us know each other well enough to know if it should be us necessarily, and that’s okay.

just… ahhhh.

need some earmuffs, Adolph?

when you have a rather vivid dream of driving around with one of your ex’s friends who you know on a casual basis, have a sort of odd affinity with them partially because of the person we both have in common…

and then, when we’re at the stoplight, ex’s friend in the car leans over and kisses you?

in the dream, of course. i haven’t even seen him in person since he was kicked out of our band. but… why?

and this other thing: somewhere i learned that you have to like yourself before getting into a relationship, blah blah blah. but you know what, i may never be 100% ok with myself, and maybe that’s… well, okay. other side to it is, i may have taken it too far and started assuming on some level that people in relationships (well, at least happy ones that are working) have everything figured out, that they’re completely confident in themselves in a way that i may never be, that they’re somehow perfect. and therefore i, in probably never being 100% secure (which is okay, i’ve decided), will never have a happy relationship, or even an unhappy one for that matter.

that’s probably all bullshit. am i right?