talk less, listen more

Real listening—quiet, sympathetic, and totally attentive—is one of the rarest commodities in our society. None of us knows how to ask for it, and very few of us know how to give it. You know there are plenty of times when all you need is to tell somebody how hard it’s been, how you felt when s/he left you, when the kids were sick, when there was no heat. You don’t want your problems solved. All you want is to see that click of recognition in another person’s eyes that says your pain is valid and what you’ve lived through is real. Then you know you could go on. But for that to happen, someone has to listen with ears and feelings open—and mouth closed. How often have you really gotten that? More often, you either get well-meaning good advice—which you angrily and guiltily reject without knowing why (“If George is such a bastard, why don’t you leave him?” “No, no, you don’t understand!”)—or, if the other person can’t think of any way to help you, her attention wanders out the window, up to the ceiling, anyplace but on you. I say “her attention” because most women are like this: if we can’t cure another person’s ills, we don’t want to hear about them. And that’s because we don’t know that listening is enough.

I can get a preachy/”holier-than-thou” attitude sometimes. I don’t like it. I want to get rid of it. At least I’m now conscious of this trait and will try to change my behaviour in the future.

When at work, or if talking to colleagues from work, do not talk about your own work-related plans unless they would benefit the company, not yourself.

It’s not like I’m a walking, ticking anger-bomb, but… I’ve realized a while ago that holding my feelings in is really bad for me, I get stressed and feel awful and just run around in circles in my head. So then I learned to express my feelings – if I feel bad about something, I say it. The problem is, I often take only my feelings into account, even if I’m “right” about something (_{yes, the clerk made an error, the driver should get a ticket for that, and that dog-owner will probably step into his dog’s poop sooner or later if he doesn’t pick it up}). I’m pretty nice to people most of the time, and I’m not a screaming banshee even when I’m angry, but I’d really like to deal with these things more like a cooler, more grown-up version of me. :)

And vent that anger in a more productive way. :P

I was and still see myself as an introvert. But recently I’ve noticed I’m much more outgoing, more relaxed in social situations. I still don’t enjoy being in the spotlight, or being surrounded by people I don’t know. But I’m quite happy being with friends, actually I turn into an entertainer when I’m with them.

I’ve noticed recently that I tend to talk too much about myself, mostly because I feel uncomfortable if there are too many pauses in the conversation. I should really make an effort to ask more questions and try to involve the other person in the conversation. But I feel that asking them a lot of questions would be an invasion of privacy, so I usually wait for them to offer some information. The problem is, some people never do that and I end up talking about topics I know well – eg. myself.