love myself

So yesterday I went to a board game night. A whole evening talking, drinking tea and playing board games with people I’ve never even seen before? Definitely a scenario that could have made me anxious.
But I had the time of my life, I felt great. And it was so funny, we laughed our asses off. It was a lot of fun.
I think I’ve made enough progress to call this goal complete and move on to something else.

I think I said goodbye to all of my issues yesterday night, when I decided to celebrate Halloween with a local youth human rights organization. Seriously… They were the most awesome people I’ve ever met. And I never go clubbing, I thought I would feel horrible and anxious like I did the first time, but I had a great time!

I just don’t understand how I knew the lyrics to all those Lady GaGa songs. Seriously, someone please explain… :D

There are a few more things I’d like to accomplish before calling this goal complete, but yesterday I saw that I’m closer than I thought.

If I could learn to be alone without feeling lonely and drowning myself in memories of the people that I’ve lost, this goal would be complete.

Yay, I’m officially halfway there! :D I’ve had a couple [okay, more than a couple] difficult days since I’ve started, but overall I feel a whole lot better. And I think I even deal with problems a little differently now, which is good. I’m a lot less irritable, which is also good. Though now I see that my family are actually very angry people. Yeah. Now I see it.
‘Overcoming major limitations’ is, obviously, the most difficult part, but I’m actually pretty good at it. This is one of those moments where I wonder about all the great qualities I have and then wonder what the hell this goal is doing on my list, you know. :D
I drew a variation of this and hanged it on my wall to help me end pointless worrying.
The only two problems are that I love tea and my choices are a little smaller now that I have to avoid caffeine. Another problem is that the autumn weather doesn’t really give a damn about the fact that I’d like to keep exercising. Well, time to get creative, I guess.
I can’t wait to see how I’ll feel after I’ll end this program. Should I be like a totally different person or something?

So day 9 has just started, and it’s actually going great! I thought going this long without sweets and caffeine-y teas and the like would be horrible, but I don’t miss them at all, especially after I’ve noticed that my moods and feelings have become completely controllable. Seriously, no more overwhelming, scary, tragic thoughts or sudden moodswings that I can’t control. My mind seems pretty sharp and clear now.
Well, I seem to be following this program rather intensely. It seems to allow some occasional “treats”, but I keep myself absolutely clean. I also do some things that weren’t mentioned, like meditation. Maybe that’s also why I feel such a significant change.
The only weird thing is that I don’t feel a need to listen to intense music. Now I only want to listen to stuff like this. I mean, it’s cool, I love it. But I was such a long-time fan of heavy music… It’s weird :D

Downloaded the “Attacking Anxiety and Depression” program. There was a test to see your anxiety levels and… Well, I scored just around the top. Haha, isn’t that nice. I felt that I would score high. Starting the program tomorrow, since I want to say goodbye to black tea and sugar today.

Black… Tea… And sugar… God.
But this time I’m doing this. This time my inner demons won’t stand a damn chance.

Get rid of limiting thoughts and some fears. That way I’ll improve and grow as a person. Opens up new opportunities.
More reasonable and specific goals. Prevents chaos, disappointment for aiming way too high.
A bit more discipline and motivation. This is a problem like always, hehe. :D But I believe I’m close to fixing it.

The past week I’ve been listening to my therapist and trying my best to make things better. The result = lots of people noticed that I was really happy. Actually, I’m usually trying to hide my emotions, so I guess it was really obvious!
But seriously, last week was just amazing… I got back with a friend that I haven’t been talking to for like three years, it was just amazing… I also finally saw one really special person on Friday, and practice was just awesome on Saturday… Also, it just feels really good to know that I’m finally moving forward, that I’m at least trying to take control of my life…
I’m also trying to keep myself busy during my free time by watching movies, practicing and listening to “happier” music instead of my usual “serious” and “depressing” stuff. It might not be the most complex and conceptual stuff out there, but at least I don’t feel like crap all the time.
Yep, I think I’ll survive if I got this far. :]

I think I’m making some serious progress here. My energy is still rather low at times, but it’s better. I decided to let go of some things that were bothering me, which meant apologizing and/or talking to friends, my therapist or just random people that can understand my situation. I’m also trying my best to be “friendly” with myself, notice when I’m just beating myself up, being excessively critical, etc.. I think it’s working.
Also… Next week will be really intense, so all this progress is just in time. I’ll see how much I’ve really accomplished… When I was at my cousin’s birthday, I still felt messed up and wanted to go home, but maybe it’s just because I didn’t want to go there in the fist place…

So, crazy things are happening in my life. I got a really warm letter from a complete stranger. Also, I’m planning to volunteer at the national cinema festival, and I should also meed the senior scenographer of our city’s drama theatre some day this week and talk about that assistent thing I really want to do. Things are going pretty awesome. Oh and… Today is the premiere of “Zeitgeist: Moving Forward” in my country. Probably like… Right now!

Most importantly, yesterday I had a great conversation with a good friend of mine. I told her many things that were troubling me for a long time, and she just said that I can always trust her and she loves me unconditionally. For who I am.

So I guess it’s hard to deal with people not accepting you, but it’s somehow also really painful when people finally accept you with all your messy secrets. Ironic.