love and be loved

A lot happened on this subject – I fell in and out of love a couple more times. With the same guy.
Last year I was devastated and heartbroken. I was his best friend … weirdly I understood and still understand where that comes from. He is also my best friend in so many ways. Nevertheless I hoped I would never have to see him again, so that i would not make the same mistake another time. I had to let go, I had to learn, I had to grow. And I did. I found myself – the me that I like best.
I did see him again, though. And somehow I felt the same about him, which made things complicated. But I felt differently about myself, which made things a lot easier at the same time. He gave me an “I want to try. I am sure.” – five hours later I got an “it’s not working.”. But this time it didn’t break me, it made me stronger.
I want and need him as a friend, but not as more. I want to be happy more than I want him. Maybe that’s what is different than the other times. We talk and things are good. Settled somehow.
The best thing is that I actually SEE other guys. He’s hardly on my mind anymore. I still believe that we would have been good together – but I am tired of waiting for him to see that, too. Things tend to work out the way they’re supposed to in the end. That’s my new motto … If it wasn’t meant to be, it just wasn’t. I can live with that now. I don’t wish it was different anymore. I love my life, I enjoy it as good as possible, because we only get one. And most importantly: I love myself more than him now. I put myself first every once in a while.

Maybe running isn’t working for me, but trying to resolve it isn’t either and being friends, which is what I want to be so badly, doesn’t seem to be the right thing either. I feel so weird about him … I have never met anybody with whom I just got along so well instantly … ever. No matter what other problems we had, we always got along. And I truly miss being his friend. But I am alo scared that I will get my heart broken again. Well, I guess only time will tell, if I am really different than before. Or maybe he’s different …

I didn’t go on a date with the guy I mentioned before, but he did come to my unofficial birthday dinner (it was just me and my family and my two best friends). He sat next to me the whole time and was really sweet and all. Sounds pretty damn good? The problem is that I still don’t know how he feels about me, which is driving me crazy. I mean, is it supposed to be this hard? Maybe that we learn to appreciate love better? I don’t know … any advice would be welcome. I just feel like I’m in some kind of waiting state or something. I don’t know what to do. Tell him how I feel straight out? I did that once in my life, with a guy that I really, truly loved. The horrible part is only that he liked me, too, but the situation was so difficult, that it just didn’t work out. I am just not sure what to do this time. It is different now, because this time I wouldn’t say it just to say it, but in order to get some kind of answer and I am not so sure if I can take a “no”. Plus, I couldn’t really avoid him afterwards, because we go to the same school, have the same friends and we also see each other after school, cause we’re both helping with the yearbook. I mean, I know it would probably not be that horrible, but still …

... we didn’t exactly meet up. He did come to my little birthday party, though. And now I’m sitting at home and I am even more scared then before. I don’t know how to really describe it, but I am scared. I am scared of what I am feeling for him, because the last time I felt that way I was hurt more then I could’ve ever imagined. Somehow, those two feelings are linked for me, which I know is stupid, because I can’t make him suffer for what the other guy did to me, but I also know that opening my heart to him might hurt me again and I don’t know if I can take that – I guess, only time will tell. Things would be easier if I knew how he felt. But again, only time will tell.
I wish everyone out there all their strengh to open their hearts to someone, I think it’s possibly the scariest thing out there. But it might just be the most rewarding thing, too.

I have a date with THE guy tomorrow. I hope so bad that it’s not just a meeting up to tell me it’s never gonna happen. God, I hope I finally get lucky and he feels the same way I do. I don’t think I could take it again, if I was the only one investing feelings. It took me like a year to get over it last time. Horrible thing is just, that he was kinda the one that helped me get over my first love. I didn’t think it would ever happen, but it did. And this time I am so scared and worried. I really don’t know what to do if he starts the whole “I am so sorry … let’s be friends” speech.
Well, wish me luck tomorrow, even though I hope I won’t be needing it.

I really suck at this … I just can’t let go. Even though I want to so bad.