Let go of the past

I was interested to see that the average time to accomplish this is 3 years. 3 years after my last entry I picked up and moved halfway across the country to a place I had never been before and that holds absolutely no memories of the people who used to be in my life, except for my beloved niece and nephew who let me stay with them for awhile. After awhile I got my own place, a townouse which I totally love. I haven’t been able to furnish or decorate much because of financial constraints, but it doesn’t matter, this place feels like home to me and a blessed shelter just as is. Although I am comforted by this new place, I haven’t . done enough about getting involved with people and activities. I’m being a loner. But that’s okay for now. My big problem now is my ex who I never got over remarried last year. In two weeks my son is getting married back home and I have to go and see my ex in his newlywed bliss with this terrific woman. I’m so scared. Not just of that day and how I will hold my head high, being that I am still alone. But I’m also scared of how I’ll be feeling when I come back home here to St. Paul. New pictures in my mind to haunt me. New “comments” people may say that will hurt me. I don’t want to go, but my son wants me to be there. My kids are a part of my past that hurt me because of my memories, but I love them and want to do my best to keep them in my life forever and make new happy memories with them in my new life. I have to work real hard on my head and my heart.

It may be because I went back on anti-depressants, or it may be that I am no longer having any telephone contact with my ex. Don’t return calls. If he wants to come by to “drop something off” I tell him to give it to one of the kids and I’ll get it from them.

He is poison to me and I’m cutting him out of my life.

I know, I know, I have to let go. I want to let go, I really do. I’m just taking a moment out to be happy that Ex broke up with Girlfriend! Yeah!!!! Doesn’t mean he’s available to me, but it makes me breathe a little easier.

The reason I found this out was related to a sad event, that his mother died. It was not unexpected, she had suffered a rapid decline from Alzheimer’s. I loved her. She was the only Mom I had for 25 years. And she adored me. In her eyes, I could do no wrong. Ex called to tell me she would probably be gone within 24 hours. I went over, said goodbye to her and hugged her and kissed her. Then I came home and began sobbing and thought I’m about to lose it. I called Sister 1, who wasn’t home. I called Sister 2, who said the second most beautiful words in the English language—”I’ll be right over.”
Then Sister 1 called me back. We talked awhile, and I told her it felt so awful not to be with Ex at this time and to think that Girlfriend would be the one consoling him. She said, “Oh, she’s out of the picture.” Her husband (best friend to Ex) had told her. That made me feel so much better. I don’t know when it happened, if it’s permanent, or if it will affect me in anyway.

Point being, I’m not suposed to care because I’m supposed to be moving on. This is just a tiny little break along the way. And I can’t help it. Just for a little moment, it makes me feel good.

All day long I’ve been haunted by this feeling of not having a home. It feels like when we moved back to California after my mother died, and she wasn’t here. But that time I had Ronnie and went on to have the kids and had a whole family life.

Now it never ends, the feeling of not having a home. I drove an hour to see my therapist because I missed her message that she was sick. I cried all the way there and all the way back. Then I called Ron to talk about the housework. And damnit, his voice still sounds like home to me. It’s like, yeah, right, this is what I’ve been looking for. But of course it isn’t. He talks nicely as long as it’s about business, or how his parents are doing, but I don’t dare to make it about me. I hated to hang up. I kept on talking as long as I could.

I need to talk to my sister really badly tonight. And she’s not home.

I’m going to work in 2 hours for a 4-hour shift. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. At least it will get me with people. Right now I feel frantically, desperately lonely.

or maybe I’m going to have to give up on finding Home right now and realize I have to live in a transitional house for awhile. And after that can go to a happy place.

That’s what my p-doc tells me. My life is in neutral right now, and that’s the way it always is when you’re making transition. I have to go through neutral before I go on to the next thing.

I look at this list, so many interesting things to do, such good ideas, yet to me right now they are just words on paper behind a glass screen, something for others, not for me because my heart can’t care. My heart is stuck in yearning for the life I used to have, the one I never wanted to leave. The one I want to go back and do better, the way I wanted to, so I will be loved and never will have to lose those people.

People are tired of me yearning for the past. The truth is I almost believe that if I yearn hard enough I can go back to it and I keep trying to find someone who will help me do that. I’m not really rational at this point. People tell me to move on. They want me to distract myself. To get a grip. Get a hobby. Take a trip. Get a life. Have a vision. Find a cause. Be a cheerleader. Join a book club. Lunch with the ladies.

They think I’m just feeling sorry for myself. They don’t believe that I am working on it. I can imagine a future in which I can enjoy all this learning and adventure and connection and creativity (at least a little) but I have to put the old life to rest, sit shiva, watch it moulder, turn to mulch, plant a rose bush in it. I’ll do it all in time, but I can’t rush it. If I don’t see it through and all the way into the ground, all the way emulsified, it will live on and two little laughing ghosts and one tall, strong, handsome, protective, loving man will be forever trippin’ me up and trompin’ on my rose bush.

Then after I’ve let the past go I can move on to the next item on my list, stop hurting. It will be easier to do if I have completed with the past and then I will be able to move on to the interesting and joyful things.