become unstuck

Things are still so frustrating right now I want to take all the blood out of my body with a shovel. I have started going for long walks in the morning in the hopes that exercise and fresh air will help my brain. Oh, and combat the shovel urge.

Going to the boy’s family’s cabin for two days soon to try and relax. Will hopefully get a couple of books in. Luvs ya. :)

You know when you’re near a group of ducks, all waddling and swimming around all happy, and then one of them stretches itself up high and starts flapping its wings, making a really loud commotion, but not actually taking to the air?

That’s how I feel right now.

That’s why I don’t write so much lately.

I’m just a lot of frustrated noise.

Miss you guys.

I feel it is possible that right now I am less stuck, and more on the wheel. I don’t know if it is progress if you just keep going round and round without getting anywhere.

...I posted entries two hours ago about being happy and have already lost two subscribers. I guess misery really does love company.

... things are a little bit better. (Howard Jones was on to something!) Definitely looking up. I took a fourth job, working at another bookstore, with new books, and it’s heaven. It has greatly improved my hope for the near future.

And of course, I’m still in love with my Frye boots. My friend recently pointed out that I stand differently with them on, with my right leg bent slightly, toe touching the ground. He said he can’t tell if it looks like I’m coy or readying myself to kick someone in the teeth.

_{It’s both, actually. I have to get people close enough so I can reach to kick them in the teeth. ;)}

... I know it’s said, but more than ever now, thank goodness for the little things. I know having a goal like watching a television show or movie may seem insignificant to some compared to other goals, but right now, just being able to check these little things off as done makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something.

... no progress to report. Still feel hopeless. I’ve even tried writing it out on a marker board, and it looks pretty hopeless. It’s a case of, “If this happens, then I could do this, but it hasn’t and I’m not ready to try this thing and plus this happened so I can’t do that and if I do this, then this will happen and I don’t want that, I want this but I don’t know if I can, plus there’s the problem of this, and if I don’t do that, then this is going to happen…”

_{It goes on even longer in my head.}

I feel like I just barely started to get to a place where I liked my life and myself, and I’m already going to lose it. I am still holding out hope that I don’t have to give it up so soon. Realistically, I am going to lose something I wish I could keep.

_{I think hope is something you must be born feeling, not taught, because I sure as hell have had no reason to keep doing it. I surprise myself by doing it often.}

Thanks for listening.

Thousands of years from now, another civilization is going to dig me up and say, “Ooooh, look at the orange one with all the colorful markings!”

_{In whatever language it is they speak.}