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Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, ‘Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’
Edna always replied, ‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, ‘Edna, I’m 85 years old…
If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Edna replied, “Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.’‘

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.
I’m impressed!’

Buddy replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know, “Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch the two of us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. The couple proceeds and when they finish, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”
The man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We can do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.”

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs—-and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco, CA

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered. ‘Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’

‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kreansdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which read, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY…....

8. As a new, young MD doing residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry, was I tickling you?” “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name.

A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’

The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his.’

In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City, Canada, newspaper, Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.

Generations are grouped as follows:

- The Silent generation, people born before 1945.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

- Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.

- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.

Why do we call the last one generation Y. I did not know, but

A caricaturist explains it eloquently in the attached drawing…Learned something new!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff….dad….I’m sorry, but I got caught-up with some strangers and was forced to become a prostitute….’

‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.’

‘OK, dad—as ye wish.
But I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, and a savings certificate for $50,000.’

‘For me little brother, this gold Rolex here, and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….’

Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says dad.

Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. We tried everything, but none of us could get that dang jar lid open.”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

_~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray:
“Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

_~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

_~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

_~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”

_~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”

_~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

_~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!!”

_~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

John’s Problem Page

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.

When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But
when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he’d been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Uisk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Regards John

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t go to yours.”
- Yogi Berra