Remember my 'I', especially in times of trouble.

One thing that always seems to soothe me when I’m upset is me looking into my own eyes and talking to myself. I talk about what I’m upset about. I talk about my fears. And I say the words that I need to hear.

Today I got bogged down by meeting a HS classmate who is finishing her Masters and engaged, getting married in the summer. I got bogged down by the fact that I “should” be partying on a Friday night, while forgetting that I went out to my good friend’s art display (however briefly) and ran into an old friend and got to catch up.

While I was looking in the mirror, I looked at what I was wearing. The things that I had CHOSEN to buy. The elements that I was wearing that I VALUED. What I had worked hard to EARN.

My glasses
My haircut
My star of David
My black shirt
My thrift store pants

Yes, yes it’s all materialistic. But it’s more than that… It’s a reflection of self. This is who I am. This is who I want to be. This is where I am. I’ve made the right choices. I don’t have to compare myself to anyone. I’m not superior because I had tomatoes and goat cheese for breakfast and I’m not inferior because I didn’t go clubbing even though I was at St. Laurent and St Cat, prime time, on a Friday night.

So, I haven’t really talked about it here, but here’s the story. My tiny little company got bought by a (to me) much bigger company (about 80) and we all know how much I hate and freak out about change. So it was a rough couple of weeks from the time they announced it, to yesterday, my first day.

And, to say that my first day was overwhelming would be an understatement. It’s still the same system, but a new computer layout, so getting used to what to put where, bookmarking, adjusting, customizing… only to do it all over again when they changed their mind about something, was frustrating. Everyone stopping by to introduce themselves, new names, new faces, for me used to the same dozen people for 2.5 years, overwhelming. Everyone at the old office checking up on me by ICQ, touching, but overwhelming. Getting used to the cube environment, overwhelming. Learning more about what the other CSRs deal with, that will be my job in a few months, sets my teeth on edge and makes my inner sense of what’s right and wrong SCREAM…

Day 2, much more calm work wise. But internally:

-the stress of this HUGE change, the environment (cube land), the location (not downtown), the feeling that EVERYONE is watching me, the feeling that my boss is upset with me.

I’ve also never really been good at controlling my emotions and not saying exactly what’s on my mind. But (and I am SO SO SO SO Proud of myself for this) I’m putting on the happy face for the new company, putting on the happy face for my coworkers (to a lesser extent, they are also friends, so I talk to them OUTSIDE of work about how I feel about the ethics that are driving me nuts), help out my coworkers by explaining the new layout, troubleshooting outside of work hours when things fall apart. And most of all for saying something like “oh it’s different and I don’t really like the cube environment, but everyone is really friendly” when my admin staff ask me how it’s going, when I want to scream and yell and quit on the spot.

However, all of the above, is very difficult on me and I’m going through breakdowns when I get home.

I’m also trying very very hard to work on my escapism patterns, which is also very draining, difficult and I am IMMENSELY proud of myself for. However, the things I’m going to list (to most people) seem like the basics of being an adult. I don’t give a shit! I know where I’ve come from. I know what I used to do to escape and run away from my problems, fears and scary stuff. Therefore, I* am taking the time to recognize that *I am proud of myself for no longer being in that place.

I am proud of the fact that I went into work the first day, even more so that it didn’t occur to me that I wouldn’t, until someone in group asked me if I would go.

I am proud of myself that I was 30 minutes early my first day

I am proud of myself that I went into work on my second day, although I really, really, really didn’t want to

I am proud of myself that I’m managing to control my emotions at work.

I am proud of myself that I didn’t jump on the trains, that I didn’t spend foolish money, that I didn’t run away to the club, that I didn’t try to hurt myself today.

I am proud of myself that instead I called Pat and cried and got upset but that he helped me calm down to the point where I saw that Saturday would be better.

I am proud of myself that I asked myself “What is the healthy way? What can I do that would make me feel better, without any of my escapism methods”

(The answer was watching a squirrel do backwards summersaults, sitting by my favorite fountain, watching the birds drink and disappear into holes)

I am proud of myself that I manage to get home, close the door before screaming my head off, collapsing on the floor in tears (literally 1 foot after I closed the door). I promised myself that I could freak out when I got home and it took great amounts of control not to throttle the disrespectful teenagers waiting for the bus (I escaped by taking a cab, foolish because the bus came 2 minutes later, however, my self-control is already strained and I didn’t care at that point)

I listened to some Havi, which helped. In the same spirit, I’m going to do what she often does in regards to comments. I really just needed to get this out and I always feel so safe talking in 43T. I don’t think I need to say this, but I’m learning how to ask for what I need.

So I’d prefer:
-cyber hugs
-congratulations on my progress
-general empathy.

I’d rather not:
-“oh it’s okay, things will be fine in a week” (which I am FULLY AWARE of, but things are not fine now ergo telling me that they will be okay DOESN’T HELP ME NOW!!)

Thanks so much guys :)

However in that vein, this LoA quote from the universe this morning…

There will be a time, not so far from now, that you will look back on this phase of your life and instead of condemning it or beating up on it… Instead of blaming or guilting, you will feel appreciation for it, because you will understand that a renewed desire for life was born out of this time period that will bring you to physical heights that you could not have achieved without the contrast that gave birth to this desire.

- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Boston, MA on Saturday, October 4th, 1997

Our Love,
Jerry and Esther

I was walking home after breakfast after a manic night, as evidenced by my food tracking posts, and I was mumbling to myself about how much I hated Mother’s Day, when suddenly, a FLASH hit me right on top the head.

I.
Hate.
Mothers.
Day.

(The Coles notes of this is because I’ve been abandoned by all of my mothers including the more recent death of my foster mother in January 2008)

Could this (might this) (maaaaybe) this is a reaction to Mothers’ Day? And, knowing my patterns and habits and reactions to things, this is definitely something that I would do in reaction to a stress and / or upset.

So I remembered Havi’s article on monsters and cookies and I wonder if my subconscious would like to have some cookies. Maybe some milk too, she’s a growing girl and the milk would be good for her. I figure my subconscious is about 8 or so, so she’d like some cookies. She also might like to throw a temper tantrum at the fact that she doesn’t have a Mommy anymore, but I don’t think that’s good for her or me.

So I left my old therapist a message, explaining the whole cookies thing for my subconscious. I should go to bed, but I’d like to get back on a regular groove for the rest of my time off, particularly so that I can go to therapy again and get back on the horse.

Yet another brilliant article from Havi There’s so much to talk about in here, but what I jumped on was another article that I think I’ve talked about before where you ask yourself “even though.” I’ve talked about how frustrated I am about my lack of goals and direction towards “getting better” lately.

So I fired up a couple of Even Thoughs to see how I would feel about myself after. I think it’s a helpful thing to try.

Even though I feel like I’m stagnating in one place, I’m taking steps towards improving the little things that people don’t see.

Even though I don’t feel like I don’t have any long term goals, I have vague notions. And I’ll get there,when I get there.

Even though I’ll always have BPD, I’ll have learned tricks and hacks that will mean that I will know how to function better.

Even though, I’m still having trouble with my emotions, I’ve become more aware of what I’m feeling and learning small tricks and ways to destract myself.

I was inspired with the concept of going back to school in a real estate degree. It was awesome to feel that inspiration, that AHA moment to have something tangible in my grasp (a 5 month 600$ AEC program) when I decided to talk about it with someone. Which turned into a you don’t have what it takes to be a real estate agent, you’re not pushy enough. Okay that’s true. You don’t have the personality for it. Okay that’s starting to hurt a little bit. You don’t have the fashion sense for it, you don’t have much of a sense of fashion. Wait one fucking minute! What do you mean I don’t have a sense of fashion… and there went the spiral.

I find myself in an interesting position in this regard. I’ve upgraded my look an awful lots from my 19 year old self who wandered around in combat pants and belly tops. I have a blouse and dress pants look now. I especially like the blouse sweater combo. But when I go over to the ex’s, it’s like an extention of being at home, so it’s a pair of sweats / scrubs and a crappy Tshirt. Yes, I’ll go to the depanneur in that outfit. But when I go to work, I mostly make the effort, EVEN if no one will see me. So to have some just make a blanket comment about my clothes, makes me feel like there’s been no improvement.

[enter the dreaded spiral]

I can’t dress right, I can’t go to school, I’m never going to go back to school, it’s wrong to want to be rich, I’m never going to have a career

And here’s where I did something different. I caught myself. And I’ve been picking up on it lately. I literally pound on my desk and shout STOP! at myself. And then I do it again, because I don’t always get it the first time.

And then I went to go and shower, which is sometimes a good distraction. Talked to myself in the mirror. Gave myself a good pep talk. Gave myself permission to just be . Gave myself permission to be okay with where I am now. Started singing the Beatles song “Getting Better” and took a long time lounging in the hot water.

And I reminded myself:

That I’m washing my hair more often because I love the bounce of freshly washed hair.
That I’ve been cooking more and preparing extra food to eat for when I don’t feel like cooking.
That I’ve been pretty good in the last little bit about keeping on top of dishes.
How far I’ve come from the Jess that went through jobs every two weeks and would just decide not to go in that day.

And I decided that it’s OKAY for me to just be where I am now. I’ll go back to school when the time is right. I’ll find a career when the time is right. I’ll buy a house when the time is right. And I’m alright with the way my life is right now.

I do however need to work on being able to get validation from myself, my inner being / Source, instead of people who can’t give me what I need, when I need it, how I need it. Because I do choose to believe in Laws that go against what most people see, do and believe. And I need to remember what I believe in, to be happy and joyful with the process, to believe in the power of the Universe, not let other people’s opinions of what may seem like a foolish process to them hinder my beliefs.

I was going to write an article about how I felt a little bit alone in my single, independence, apt state of being. (It feels like) All my friends are getting married, buying condos and having babies (which is not true, but is what it feels like sometimes) I get home and there is an article from the Simple Dollar about Emerson’s article about self-reliance .

It is long and I haven’t finished it yet, but parts of it just scream to me: YES, you’re on the right path. YES, it’s okay to be you. YES, you’re okay even if you’re alone. YES, you’re right in being you. And I just wanted to highlight some of these pearls of wisdom. They’re long as well, but think of them as flashes of insight…

[QUOTES]

Else, to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another.

These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. Society is a joint-stock company, in which the members agree, for the better securing of his bread to each shareholder, to surrender the liberty and culture of the eater. The virtue in most request is conformity. Self-reliance is its aversion. It loves not realities and creators, but names and customs.

Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.

Every decent and well-spoken individual affects and sways me more than is right

Few and mean as my gifts may be, I actually am, and do not need for my own assurance or the assurance of my fellows any secondary testimony. (link to Mamoindes)

To be great is to be misunderstood.

Let a man then know his worth, and keep things under his feet. Let him not peep or steal, or skulk up and down with the air of a charity-boy, a bastard, or an interloper, in the world which exists for him.

Man is timid and apologetic; he is no longer upright; he dares not say ‘I think,’ ‘I am,’ but quotes some saint or sage. (uhh, isn’t that what I’m doing now)

But man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with reverted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present, above time.

We are like children who repeat by rote the sentences of grandames and tutors, and, as they grow older, of the men of talents and character they chance to see, — painfully recollecting the exact words they spoke; afterwards, when they come into the point of view which those had who uttered these sayings, they understand them, and are willing to let the words go; for, at any time, they can use words as good when occasion comes.

Who has more obedience than I masters me

And truly it demands something godlike in him who has cast off the common motives of humanity, and has ventured to trust himself for a taskmaster.

If the young merchant fails, men say he is ruined. If the finest genius studies at one of our colleges, and is not installed in an office within one year afterwards in the cities or suburbs of Boston or New York, it seems to his friends and to himself that he is right in being disheartened, and in complaining the rest of his life. A sturdy lad from New Hampshire or Vermont, who in turn tries all the professions, who teams it, farms it, peddles, keeps a school, preaches, edits a newspaper, goes to Congress, buys a township, and so forth, in successive years, and always, like a cat, falls on his feet, is worth a hundred of these city dolls. He walks abreast with his days, and feels no shame in not ‘studying a profession,’ for he does not postpone his life, but lives already. He has not one chance, but a hundred chances.

[/QUOTES]

So I decided to take a bath. And as I was sitting in the bath, I was just stating truths, things I believe and know to be true, tres a la LoA fashion.

I am where I am.
I can never get it wrong, because I can never get it done
I’ve come a long way and I have a long way to go.
I’m okay with where I am
I’m safe
I’ve come a long way

Etc… and it was all coming from a place that I believed yet it was soothing to hear it said out loud. And it was a step in the right direction.

I think, I grow, I learn, I evolve, I feel, I change, but it’s all a part of the process.

My therapist has been pushing me to know what I hope to achieve from my therapy and the answer is… I don’t know what I want. I asked the group today what “better” looks like. I mean I’ll never forget the progress that I’ve made in life so far. But the ones who are older pointed out that BPD never goes away completely, that I’ll get better for a long time, but that I’ll always have to watch myself for stuff that will trigger me.

And then someone made a point that made me think. He said: You should have a list of your triggers. And that was a great point. And it made me think, what makes me upset.

-Changes
-Lost
-Fear of loss / abandonment

And I drew a blank. I think that this is something that I need to think about more…

When I got asked what I’d like to do more with my life, this little voice came out and said: Well I’d like to go back to school. I’ve talked about this before, when I asked what happened to the girl who wanted to go back to school at all costs. Honestly, where did she go? She got buried in fear of failure after I fell down after going back to school and put myself 6K in debt and fell down flat on my face (literally).

I always thought that I shouldn’t have to work and go to school. I think that I could handle three shifts at my current job and go back to school if it would help support me.

Still I really don’t want to go back into debt to go back to school. And my academic record is full of holes, so I wonder what kind of scholarships I would be able to apply for. But I think that should be the next thing to save for.

I was talking with a friend of mine and I stopped and took a step back from what he was saying and getting defensive and said this to him:

“I don’t know if it’s because I feel like EVERYBODY around me is getting married and having babies while I’m on this adament kick about doing it for myself

OR

If it’s that everytime you talk to me you’re encouraging me to get involved in a relationship…

But it’s upsetting me that I feel like you’re trying to push me into being involved with someone while I’m very happy to be single, doing it for myself right now.”

I wanted to highlight this quote that I found here “Then you cling on to that one person whose presence seems to make everything else thats gone wrong alright. I want to be able to do that for myself .” (highlighting mine)

And that’s what I really feel right now. I’ve spent (what feel like) all my life living with others’ help, always desperately seeking their approval, letting them be the reason for my happiness. And now that I have my own place to call home, I’m slowly stretching my wings, in developping my tastes, preferences and habits. Those are things that you can’t do while you’re living in someone else’s household.

In someways it’s still like I’m 18 and moving out for the first time. Although I’m 24 now and I haven’t lived at “home” since I was 18, I flopped abismally at living on my own for a long time.

[insert a walk down memory lane]

My idea of a meal at 18 was peanut butter, brown sugar and chocolate chips. I jumped on my bed, “because I can… it’s MY house and MY rules.” I got cats without thinking of the conscequences of vet bills or food or what not. I couldn’t keep a job for more than 7 weeks (yes I counted).

Then I moved in with my ex and I grew so much as an adult. I finally discovered how to cook. He gave me a platform to experiment and learn from. And though the relationship failed, he remains to this day, my best friend to turn to for help and advice. This is the famous ex who now lives across the street from me and USED to assemble my IKEA furniture for me… Now he answers my clueless questions about assembling it and I assemble it myself.

I don’t want to turn this into telling my life story, so I’ll merely say this: I went on to go into the “adult social help system” and spent some time living by other people’s rules until I graduated into their supervised apts (x2 in my life). The first time I didn’t apparently learn my lesson. The latest time seems to have stuck something into my head.

[/walk down memory lane]

And like I mentioned in this article I have this incredible sense of pride for things that I did, that are mine, all this is a bit of backstory to why it’s so important to me.

Still the other day, I went on a rant why I feel like I can’t take care of myself, why I get bogged down in the daily chores and then use them to beat myself up. I mentioned to my friend that I used all these bits of pieces from all the different places I grew up to assemble this sort of “ideal” as to how I should be living:

The elaborate cooking from Fabienne
The cleaning, laundry, etc from my parents
Etc…

And he pointed out that it took all of those people to be able to do it “perfectly,” why was I expecting one person, me, to be able to do everything on my own. He mentioned that I could outsource things I don’t like to do. (Okay that’s me stealing terminology from the book The 4 Hour Workweek, because he didn’t ACTUALLY say “outsource”) And I hadn’t stopped to consider that. Maybe hire someone to come in once a week to clean for me. Once every two weeks? It might make a dent in the pile of dishes that lurk in my house. And from what I remember, there are options that are quite cheap. And of course he suggested the relationship concept as a solution to this.

But I have to remember that I’m setting up all of these impossible goals for myself. And I don’t have to be perfect. And I have to remember that I have obstacles that other people don’t have, that they have different ones. Working erratic hours, BPD (and all the emo-ness that goes along with that) being a sleeper, etc, are all things that play into my success.

Sometimes I just need to relax and not freak out because I didn’t cook half the meals I planned to or I spent the day in bed instead of doing folding laundry. The world isn’t going to end because I eat McD’s. The laundry police aren’t going to arrest me for wearing mismatching clothes because they’re the only clean things I have left to wear. It’s really okay that I have piles of dishes, I’d like to have a clean kitchen, but I’ve made TONS of progress on the neatness front and one day, it will click and I’ll be able to keep on top of dishes… Or not and I’ll be alright with that too.

I didn’t fully realize how awesome this Tiesto song was.

You can travel the world
But you can’t run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you’re searchin for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just be

They say learning to love yourself
Is the first step
That you take when you want to be real
Flying on planes to exotic locations
Won’t teach you
How you really feel
Face up to the fact
That you are who you are
Nothing can change that belief
Just be
Just be

‘cause now I know
It’s not so far
To where I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

Just be
Just be
Just be

I was lost
And I’m still lost
But I feel so much better

‘cause now I know
It’s not so far
To were I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

that doesn’t feel like progress.

See, now that I’m older and “wiser” I know two things.

1) This too shall pass…
2) Reaching for crutches WON’T make me feel better.

And I suppose that I should take comfort in that. But I don’t and I’m not. I feel like I’m caught in this limbo, like I talked about, in knowing that I will eventually feel better, but not knowing how to get there. That hurting myself by drinking myself stupid, spending money, sleeping around or any variation thereof might make me feel better temporarily because ANYTHING is better than this pit, that afterwards I’ll just regret it. So I’m stopping myself from being stupid, for now, for as long as I can.

I think I figured out what’s really upsetting me about this whole divorce thing. I don’t talk to my parents much. I don’t like my parents much, so it’s not their splitting up so much that bothers me. It’s shattering an illusion. It’s the thought that nothing is forever. It’s knowing that everyone leaves, that I’ll always be alone. Right there, that fear is what is bothering me. And I’ll have to find a way to work through that fear.

EDIT: Found this excellent article that addresses the issues I was talking about.

The Secret to bouncing back:

1. Recall past triumphs.

You’ll realize there were quite a few times when you let life’s difficulties temporarily get you down, but that you were eventually able to surmount them.

2. Remind yourself that life is cyclical.

Even if you are at the bottom, you cannot stay there forever. [...]
Remember—the only thing permanent is change, and a new day is coming.

3. Keep a goal for the future in mind.

Have something you want to achieve and work towards it.

4. Cultivate your spirituality.

When you believe that “God’s will will never take you where God’s grace cannot protect you,” it can be extraordinarily reassuring.

5. Seek out role models who are in the public eye.

Also, ask people you know how they were able to bounce back from difficult situations in their lives.