talk

I like filing stuff where it feels right. This is con’t from where I left off

So I’ve been doing a lot of reading of Havi’s stuff lately. Destuckification helps calm me down. The blog teaches lessons that I am slowly internalizing. I also took the plunge and ordered her Shiva Nata program (it only took me 5 hours to click the buy now button).

So I took my hurt, my pain, my anger and I sat with it for a while. I let myself be hurt, upset and angry. And I thought about it. I didn’t talk to the people that I was upset at until I was ready. When they tried, I said, I’m angry and upset right now and I don’t want to talk to you. I’m going to process this and we’ll talk later, (because I don’t want to just scream and yell at you and sound like a crazy lady) And I took a couple of days and figured out what I wanted to say, why I was upset, why I was hurt. And it went well I think.

I went for my massage today. It’s actually called a Mystic Massage and it’s a very emotional, spiritual, moving experience more than your typical physical experience. And I was talking with the massage therapist about issues that I wanted to work on and I mentioned my emotional turmoil briefly while we were talking about chakras. She said to me, you subconsciously touched your throat as if you’re having a hard time talking about what’s bothering you (this is after I had the conversations with the people who were bothering me). And then I randomly picked a scent and got the voice one.

So as I was getting the massage, I kept focusing on saying to myself over and over again…

You are worthy.
You are love.
You have value.
You are safe.
You have a voice.

And, it was true. And moving.

And I realized that my body is telling me that I need to have another Talk with someone.

Before my massage, last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was yelling at my father, upset and angry all the things I really think after I talk to him on the phone. That he doesn’t really care / love / value me. That he’s an asshole and that he should just leave my life because he doesn’t really care.

And what happened was that he punished me. He put passwords on my computer (not THIS computer, my computer from when I was 13 and living at home) limiting the times I could use it.

As I was on the bus to my massage, it went past a school that we used to drive by when I was about ~5. It used to have a sign in white letters and I would read it and make up what it said everyday. Stuff like: Daddy and me are driving to school today.

So… I think I need to process this.
Talk.

Therapy made me sad today. We started talking about what my goals are, which lead to tears because it feels like I have no long term goals. I know that’s not true, but “getting better” isn’t really a goal, it leads to the questions: What do you want to change in your life? What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to be? Etc… And I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m just somewhat in awe that I’ve gotten to the point that I’m at now, stable, that I don’t really want to rock the boat and risk losing what I’ve worked so hard to gain.

And then we started talking about my parents, like bringing up a lot of stuff that I’ve put aside and not thought about for a long time. And that made me sad. And then he mentioned how most people had their family to fall back on and that they could feel safe reaching for goals because they had a fall back plan. And I don’t.

Then again, he’s said that considering my background, that I’ve created little mini environments of stability for myself. I pointed out that I’m using money as a way to create a form of backup for myself, which is true.

It just really upset me because to me it seemed to imply that the fact that I don’t have my parents in my life that I’ll never be able to have goals and a future and all of that jazz. Which isn’t true. It also made me feel like I was all alone. Which isn’t true either.

But I can continue this quest of self-discovery, introspection and setting and achieving goals that I’ve been following for the last little bit. Slowly, bit by bit, I’m fitting pieces of the puzzle together. I’m learning what makes me upset, how I can lift myself up from being upset, how I can learn from what makes me upset and try and grow from it. No one ever said it was going to be easy, but I have come a long way from where I used to be and I can take comfort in that. I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years from now, but I do know where I’ll be tomorrow and it’s only a few more tomorrows added on to my yesterdays and I’ll be me, five years older.

I was watching The Last Lecture and the message that I came away was that:
I want to change the world.
I want to help.
I want to have made an impact in someone’s life.

I’ve been in that situation before, when I was in the Air Cadets and I had cadets below me. I had a very particular way of doing things. I demanded a lot of my cadets, but gave back a lot in return. I actually have an email from one of my Flag Party cadets (Glaf party, inside joke) who said how much I helped him, guided him and how grateful he was.

And I started thinking… How could I find a job / career that would allow me to impact people? Who would I want to impact? What skills do I have? How could I be teaching?

And I’ve never made it a secret that I have BPD. And I’ve slowly been sharing my journey from where I am to who knows where here on 43T. I’ve always liked writing. I’ve been told that I do it well. I write from the heart and soul, so it’s not always the most polished thing. And I was thinking that there aren’t that many BPD blogs by BPDs out there.

I started thinking that I could write a blog, with it’s own domain name and adsense and etc about my travels with BPD, therapy, self work, etc…

The thing is, is when I get these ideas, I want to jump on them right away and do them NOOOOOWWWWW. The textbook would call it being impulsive I believe. So I’m going to take a few steps back, do some research, do some thinking, maybe prewrite a few articles and see if this is something that I could take somewhere.

Because as my Google Gadget has been telling me: I find creative ways to generate extra income. This is an interesting spark of insight and just might be a plan, however I’m going to look before I leap, so that it doesn’t become something that I quickly loose interest in, like my blogs of the past.

So it was my birthday yesterday. Umm yay! Well I thought so until stuff fell apart. But you’ll need some background first, so here’s the coles notes version of my family.

I was adopted by my adoptive parents (thereafter refered to as my parents) and grew up with them until I was 13 when they booted me out into the foster system, where I started living with my foster mom, Fabienne.

So a couple of days ago, I get a message on FB from my real sister. Then on my birthday I get a message (again on FB) from my adoptive sister. Now I haven’t spoken to either of them in years and years. And then (this is the cherry on all of it) I call my father, whom I speak to sporadically at best, and find out that my parents are getting divorced. That and he forgot about my birthday. Uhh thanks Dad.

So now I’m just thrown for a complete and utter loop. I mean I hate my mother and I’ve always thought that my father would be better off without her, but still, for it to actually happen. For my father to pick the worse day to tell me about it.

And then there’s the plethora of questions about family that come up now. Who is my family? Who gets my loyalty? How do I deal with family I haven’t spoken to in years?

I went out for lunch with my cousin (adoptive parents) the other day and it was the weirdest thing at some points. I would be talking about my foster mom and she was talking about our cousins that I would see once a year and have no memory of what so ever since I haven’t seen them in 10 years.

Most of me just doesn’t want to get involved in the whole drama. Wants to ignore my sisters and hope that they go away. Just spend my life in the peace of seeing the same people once a year for the holidays and call those people family. Somehow I think I’m going to make things a lot more complicated for myself.

So I went to my first session of group therapy today. And I spent most of the time wondering why I was there. Literally. I don’t understand the problems that these people have. I can’t understand panic attacks. I can’t understand living on EI. I can’t understand living at home. I just don’t get it.

And when I talked to my friend about it, he said I was self centered because I worry about catching these types of problems. They say that you’re the people you hang out with. And he pointed out all the things that I have to work on. Doing laundry. Socializing. Having a life. Eating properly, doing groceries, etc, etc. Sleeping properly. These are the things that I have issues with. I don’t see how listening to other people’s issues that I don’t understand is supposed to help me with mine. There I go being self-centered some more.

I don’t understand. I just don’t.

Like I said before, January is a very vulnerable time for me, it being the anniversary of a whole bunch of milestones for me. So I gave my old therapist a call on Tuesday after being stupid, staying up all night, wired on Diet Coke, as I was realizing that “wait a minute, I’m being stupid.” We set an appointment to talk today and it was so nice to be able to discuss a whole bunch of stuff. Sometimes I wish that I could record these conversations or something because of all the great stuff that gets said that I never remember.

The main focus was the upcoming group sessions and how I felt about the interview, being in this whole limbo stage of “am I better, too better, why did I get accepted” and she kept bringing the conversation back to it, starting a new relationship and etc. She also commented how much I get from talking to other people and writing, how it helps me to sort things out.

One thing that I said is that it’s not only the external things that I have to be proud of. Yes I AM proud of things like work, savings, paying down debt, the apt, etc, etc. But I’m also proud of quelling the inner beast, the inner voices that used to haunt me, swimming around and around and around in my head, taunting me that I was never good enough. And though they are not completely silent, they are a lot more manageable to deal with nowadays.

There was also me wondering why everything costs so much for the apt, which has been a big source of frustration for me lately. I want stuff and I want to be able to take care of things and make them look nice. It’s been suggested to me that I have become a bit of a materialist lately, but I think that there is a BIG difference between wanting a kitchen table and wanting a 50 in plasma screen TV. I don’t think that I’m unreasonable in wanting a kitchen table. Maybe I’m placing a little bit too much importance in getting the stuff and in being able to keep it, in it being MINE, but I think it’s understandable with everything that I’ve been through.

The rest of the day I spent chatting, cuddled up with my best friend. It was a nice time. The human contact and intellectual musings made me happy.

The original name for this goal was:

Really feel grateful when I say “Thank you”, also remember to thank and be grateful to people for the little things

But I wanted to change it to a more open ended goal, because I realized that that’s what I’m taking baby steps towards. Things like:

-Talking to people in the stores/bus/metro, because most of the time, people are people and like the conversation.
-Striking up conversations with CSR/store employees, because people treat them like dirt most of the time.
-Standing up for myself when appropriate.

I should make this a separate or a wider goal… but I’m going to slot away this mornings adventures here.

I decided to walk home from the metro and on the way I stopped into Loblaws to check out their prices, walk around and get a feel for the place. Since I’m throwing a wine and cheese party to celebrate being DEBT FREEEE! I decided to stop by the cheese section of the store.

So I stopped an older gentleman and asked him about the cheese he was buying. He looked at me funny for a little bit, then I explained that I was throwing a party that that I knew very little about wine and cheese and asked for suggestions. Not only did we talk for about 30-45 minutes, but he walked me through all the points: the different types of cheese, the balance of wine to go with them (less so), the veggies to serve with it, the pate types to serve with it and the best bread and how to heat it up. Then he started chatting about his experience with good wines in the 1980s. I had a great time and I learned a whole bunch. All for a little bit of questioning. My father once taught me: People love to talk about themselves :)

And then I stopped by Super C to pick up some basics: milk, eggs, etc. And I struck up a conversation with a little boy who was giving his mother a hard time. I gave him a quarter and told him to put it in his piggy bank. Then I noticed that the mother had left aside a container of chicken that she didn’t buy, you know how when you’re budgeting and you know you can’t afford it. So after all of my stuff rang up, I said to the cashier, “I’d like to buy this for the lady over there.” She was like: “are you sure?” and handed it to the lady and said that it was a present. She just kinda looked at me and was like “huh wha, no no I can’t take this.” Then I said: “Just pay it forward…” “G-d bless you” was the response I got. For 5$ of chicken, it made me :) and it cost so little.

It’s really amazing that since I’ve written this goal I really feel different in my day to day actions. I’ve noticed that when I’m at my most cheerful (esp in the summertime) that I talk to everyone. I point tourists in the right direction, I compliment people who are wearing cool things, etc. And not only do I get to brighten someone’s day, but I feel great!

So now when I say thank you, it’s because I’m pretending that I didn’t expect that person to open the door for me or let me go in front of them in the line. And then I get this little happy rush and I can honestly say THANK YOU from a deep place in my heart. It’s really such a new, nice feeling. And I like it!

I’ve slowly been making the effort to take time to talk to more people and to stop and be grateful.

Yesterday:

I fired off an email to my boss who had a picture for me. I really didn’t expect her to have this picture so it was a nice surprise.

To the two gentleman who stopped and held the doors open for me at the bank, a big thank you, because it was totally unexpected.

To the cute guy on the bus who I randomly chatted up, thank you. You gave me good conversation on the way to the library and I had a good time.

But most of all to the AWESOME sales clerk who listened and encouraged me to get all excited about the new Papasan sofa, especially considering the other one didn’t give me the time of day, I really appreciated you and when I come back to buy it, you get my commission!

But it’s when I really feel like it’s a big deal, unexpected and special do I feel best being grateful for it. It’s such a rush.