trust

I was talking in group today about taking off the party hat and how nice it was to feel free, instead of my usual calculating, budgeting self. About how nice it felt to go out for a snack with #3 and my friend and how it stresses me to carry a balance on my credit card.

And the deep seated fear I have about loosing control, being broke, hungry and 6K in debt again. I once said to my therapist that I felt like I was two steps away from chaos. Even though I’ve progress a long, long way from where I was when I was 5 years ago, I still feel like I could blink my eyes and end up there again.

And I don’t think that I’ve realized that no amount of money is ever going to make me feel safe. It will just never be enough. I have to learn how to trust that I am safe.

Trust.
Safe.
Okay.

That I don’t have to compartmentalize everything into safe little boxes and freak out when things don’t go according to plan. That I can have money for fun without feeling like the world is going to end. That I can go out and have fun without spazzing about it afterward.

It’s really that fear that if I let go, that everything will fall apart, that has me all wound up, that I’m scared to let my hair down. And I have to convince myself that that’s not true, that I’m not 20$ away from being broke anymore, that I don’t have to be so ordered and rigid about everything.

Okay, okay, I AM going through a HUGE Havi phase. It’s just that everything I read is exactly what I needed to hear at that point.

Self mastery is a big ol’ waste of time

The truth is, you’re always going to have “stuff” because that’s just part of being alive. The smart way is to stop fighting with your stuff and instead let your stuff be your teacher.

[...]

Paying attention to your patterns helps you figure out what your stuff is trying to tell you, without being impressed by it. Remind yourself that your patterns don’t define you and don’t say anything bad about who you are. They’re just the messenger.

This series of thoughts went through my head…

• I want someone to tell me that it’s okay not to put every last penny into my SF
• I want someone to tell me that it’s okay for me to spend money on myself
• I want someone to tell me that it’s okay and I don’t have to be scared anymore
• I want to be able to tell myself that I don’t have to be scared anymore
• I don’t want to be scared anymore.
• I want to be safe.
• What’s it going to take for me to feel safe?

More musing… thoughts spinning around and around in my head… Here’s me spilling them to text.

But what is it going to take for me to BELIEVE that I’m safe. / To believe that the world isn’t going to collapse in front of me.

Because I’ve had this happen to me, time and time again. And though it’s been a long while since it’s happened, I still dread waking up one day and finding out that I’ve reverted to my old self, the one who doesn’t wake up for work and lives off of peanut butter and chocolate chips. It’s. Not. Going. To. Happen. Jess.

To believe that I actually CAN do it on my own.

You know, I have been doing it on my own. And I’m learning that other people have trouble with the mundane, too. I’ve been at the apt since the 6th of Sept. And I’ve been decorating it my way. I’ve stayed out of debt doing it. I make my own food. Or I go out to eat at restaurants. Either way, I make sure I eat. Sure, cleaning I could use some work on, but you know my living room is pretty decluttered, as it’s regular state of being.

To believe that I have a bright future, where ever it may lead me.

Back to what was said at the last group session. I was talking to someone about going back to work and I asked: Do you have a plan? Well no… Do you have a plan to have a plan? Because it goes back to baby steps.

Then I explained that I was “thinking about planning to get my license” and the series of thoughts that that path lead down.

I want a house
I want a house I can afford
To be able to get a house I can afford I need to be in the suburbs
To be able to live in the suburbs, I need to at least be able to drive to the train station.
To be able to drive, I need my license.

And the question to me was: Do you plan everything? Have you ever done something without planning? Well yes I went to go and see Paul in Quebec City

So it seems to others that I have plans for everything, but not to me. I don’t have a plan to go back to school. I don’t have a plan to change jobs and find a career. I don’t have a plan to start a relationship, get married and have kids. I think these are the things that I feel that I should have a plan about. And I don’t.

I have ways I do things now, that work for me. That have been working for me in the past and have gotten me to where I am now. My therapist calls them communities. And for someone who’s gone through so much loss in their life, I have a strong importance of the sense of community.

I’ve heard of WishCraft by Barbara Sher but never really taken the time to look into it. I’m in the middle of reading Chapter 6 but want to stop and share this quote with you. (bolding mine)

If this book has one single most important purpose, it is to mount a full-scale attack on the most destructive piece of conventional “wisdom” there is: “You’ve got to make it on your own.” Nobody can. Nobody does. And yet we often hesitate to ask anyone for help, advice, or even instructions to the corner store for fear that it means we’re “dependent.” I know a grown woman, the mother of three children, who wanted to go back to college but couldn’t sign up, because when she got to the campus she didn’t know which building the registration office was in! She wouldn’t ask anyone, because she thought she should know how by herself and was afraid she’d look like a fool.

I found this article and I was immediately struck by the following quote:

Your destiny is not to be with the “powerful” people you admire. Your destiny is to be like them.

But the whole article is worth a read. Especially for stuff like:

“If the powerful people in Situation X are just and kind, you may go on and on playing Follow the Leader, expecting others to come up with all the right instructions for your life. And nobody has those instructions except you. No parent, mentor, or guru, no matter how inspired or motivational, knows what your superpowers are, or how you’re supposed to save the world. Because you have a natural urge to fulfill your destiny, this means that your leader will eventually disappoint you.”

I wanted to write a quick article here about some news that I got on Monday that was upsetting to me. I found out that my boss is being let go due to budget cuts. And… upset doesn’t cover it. (As a side note: it seems that I’ve been upset about a lot of things lately) It literally upsets me to the point of tears thinking about not having him to talk to at work, to have him make fun of me, for our long conversations, etc…

And I was talking about it in therapy today and we said it comes down to the a major theme in my life: stability vs instability. Me buying all this stuff for my apt has been a way to install roots and to call myself stable. But because of my childhood losses I have a real aversion to change and loss. It really upsets me.

Why I’m filling this under Trust is because of the first thing my therapist said “that I don’t believe that anyone will ever replace them / that things will be this good again.” And I talked about a similar concept in group, where I say that when I’m upset, I’ve learned and I’ve come to the point where I know that things will eventually get better, I just don’t know how to get to that point quicker. And I think that I need to trust that things will be okay. That I’ll be able to adjust to not having Max around. And yes, he is on my MSN. I worry that he won’t want to talk to me much, but that’s another story of trust right there.

My friend says that I should be starting to seriously look for another job at this point. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand how un-stabilizing that idea is to me. Why right now, I need to stay with the familiar, the comforting when it seems that every week there’s a new thing to be upset about. On the “plus” side, I’m learning to recognize better how I deal with upsets, which I talked about here especially.

Anyways, it’s bed time for me…

I’m not sure I agree with the point conclusion of this article, the whole go and work for yourself arguement, but I like a lot of the points that it makes and I wanted to highlight them.

http://www.wisebread.com/security-is-an-illusion-freedom-is-real

[...] (nothing provides absolute security) [...]

I’ve heard Dave Ramsey say this too, that you can’t stockpile enough cash to protect yourself from EVERYTHING that could possibly happen to you.

I think that I’m still looking to be safe. So safe that can’t fail So, in the previous example of school, I won’t even start to try. This being said, I still don’t exactly know what it is that I want to do, the exact path and if I want to walk down it right now, so it’s not JUST the whole fear of failure thing.

“When you think about it, security can’t possibly come from something you have. There’s nothing you can have that can’t be stolen by a thief or expropriated by the government. There’s nothing you can have that can’t be destroyed by war or natural disaster. There’s nothing you can have that can’t be made worthless by change (either circumstantial or technological).

Security can’t be something you have. It can only be something you are. Because who you are is the only thing that can’t be taken away.” (bolding mine)

Right there! That’s it right there! It’s not the actual job that I’ve kept for two years (on the 26th, YAY!) that matters but the skills that I’ve learned here that really matter.

Going into work, even if I don’t feel like it (big one for me)
Punctuality
Analyzing for fraud
(More) CSR skils
Troubleshooting
Training
Multitasking
Typing skills
Etc, etc, etc

“The key is to remember that they also offer diminishing returns. Cash to cover three month’s expenses is a good idea, and cash to cover six month’s expenses is even better. But adding enough more cash that you could cover twelve month’s expenses doesn’t add nearly as much security as some of the other choices you might make.”

That is good food for thought right there. It’s finding the spot that’s safe enough, without “diminishing returns,” the sweet spot you could call it.

The entire article is exactly what I needed to hear right now.

I was talking with my old worker today and at some point it became apparent that I really don’t trust in the fact that I’ve come so far since I first started my journey. I’m NOT the old Jess anymore. I might not be the new Jess yet. But I need to stop worrying that I’ll suddenly turn back into the old Jess, who spends money foolishly and who doesn’t wake up and go into work.

I need to have faith that everything that I’ve worked for isn’t going to disappear in front of my eyes. I’ve moved beyond the point of people taking things away from me. I don’t have to be scared anymore that my life will fall apart. I don’t need 5000$ in the bank to feel safe, because after all it’s just a number. I don’t feel any more safe with 1000$ in the bank than I did with 100$. I need to be able to trust that I am taking steps to be able to protect myself and that those steps are enough. I need to be able to let go and not be so uptight sometimes, while not letting go completely and falling back into old habits.

It’s still about balance and finding a new balance point between being comfortable and growing. Everything I’ve learned and gained doesn’t just disappear because I change jobs. I’m not going to lose my stuff because I move, because I’ll always make sure to have the money to be able to store it safely if I do. I need to be able to trust in the fact that despite everything I’ve been through, that I’ve come out okay, that I’ll be okay, that I’ll manage, no matter what happens.

Trust.
Such a simple word.
So hard to do.

I’m liking these open ended Happiness Resolutions. This one has so many layers and levels to it and is a big step. To be able to learn how to:

Trust in myself
Trust in others
Trust in the Universe

Are the obvious ones that I can think of right off the bat.

I wanted to highlight a quote that I got from a letter with my old therapist, because it means so much to me and it’s about trust…

“Your letter was thoughtful about yourself – about your anxieties about taking care of yourself. It should you are growing towards trusting in your own judgment and decision making, and in trusting a bit more that other people have good will towards you. [Okay maybe I want to quote the whole thing] I learned from what you said about deciding what not to pack and schlep, what you gave away or sold or junked that you are clearing away some clutter so that your “I” can identify what resources it has to enjoy and depend on. It sounds as if you are respecting your “I” and supporting its preferences when they contribute to you feeling more stable and satisfied and connected with good people.

I also see from your letter that by sharing your feelings and ideas with Pat or Megan, and figuring out what triggers you to feel upset, you are growing a capacity to have a conversation with yourself. [this is the best part] I hear your ‘self-talk’ and it is becoming a more patient, experienced, humorous, and forgiving voice. Self-talk is a part of building a solid foundation.

I think I’m going to let this one simmer for a while and see what examples of it pop up in my life, as things always do when I give them my focus.