weallareone in County Dublin is doing 42 things including…

Find the Man of MY Dreams, not just a good one that happens to come along!

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weallareone has written 42 entries about this goal

I am still together with L

and we’ve created a really good relationship, one that is loving and supporting and fun for both of us, that’s what I’d call a success!!

I still have my doubts, but they come from my own self worth and shame, when I feel bad about myself I feel bad about him- because if he loves me, and I’m shit, he must be shit too. Thankfully though, I know that’s not reality.

I enjoy sharing my life with L, he’s lovely, we laugh, smile, have fun and cry together. I feel like we’re a team, and that is very very precious!



man of my dreams, or just a REALLY good man?

I’m uncertain about my relationship with L
on one hand, he’s wonderful, loving amazing, we have so much fun together, we have a healthy sex life, we really “get” each other
but there’s a few things that are missing for me
although when we first met we really connected, got on like a house on fire
it was at a house party- and we just clicked- laughed our asses off together all night long
it was as if we were having our own private party, no one else there really mattered, we were enjoying each others company
but…
I didn’t fancy him
he’s not my type
I don’t think he’s good looking
that was nearly 2 years ago now,
we swapped details but I never followed up, and neither did he, but we connected on fb
we talked a few times on and off
then around Feb this year we really connected again
I’d not made effort to contact him, because i didn’t want to lead him on-
I was only interested in him as a friend
anyway, in Feb we really got chatting again, and around April we finally met up
and we started dating
initially I had great conflict,
wasnt’ sure if I was just settling,
or whether I was being stupid, because there are things more important than looks
we’ve been dating since
but after about 6 weeks we realised we had different goals
I want to see if I can have a baby (when my health is better) if it’s possible
and he definitely doesn’t want to have kids
we decided not to carry on seeing each other
which was horrible, so after 4 days we met up again…
and have been together since
- I have never felt more loved by anyone in my entire life
yet last week we had a big communication problem and I got really upset and in the heat of the moment told him it was over
which really hurt him- then he really hurt me etc, and it looked like we were over…
we finally got to talk on Sunday and we talked for hours and hours and hours
and he seemed to understand what had upset me
I had apologised for hurting him and acting irrationally and emotionally, he didn’t deserve that…
and he apologised to me.

he stayed over and we kind of reconnected, but we don’t know where we go from here-
it seems that he wants less communication than I do
and then with that on top of the fact that I don’t know if I should give up the possiblity that maybe some day I could have kids
if I stay with him I’m saying “Ok I don’t want to have a baby” and that’s not true
I realise relationshiops are part compromise/ sacrifice,
but my question is- how much is too much?
how important is looks in a relationship?
is it essential to be able to look at your partner and think-wow you’re hot! ?
if I stay with him and don’t have a baby- will I regret it, end up resenting him in years to come and then destroy the relationship anywya/
?
I love him
when I thought I’d lost him last week the pain/grief was horrendous
I broke down sobbing and sobbing uncontrollably
we’re going to meet tomorrow night to discuss where we go from here
but part of me feels like this is the beginining of the end…
I think that about wraps it up :)
sorry, not a short one..
anyway, would love your perspective/thoughts/advice please
I love him, he’s wonderful
and I must add, just because he doesn’t have the looks, doesn’t mean I don’t fancy him (as in feel sexual desire for him- because I very much do)

so it appears that he is the man of my dreams in many ways- the quality of our relationship, the fact that we laugh, we discuss things rather than argue (last week was a very rare exception)

but what criteria is non negotiable? ? ?



Finding the Man of My Dreams update 31-05-12

I started connecting with a man I met about a year and a half ago 7 weeks ago.

I was quite confused, we got on really well together, I love talking with him but he wasn’t my “type” in terms of looks, and he wasn’t taller than me. I was confused, wondering if I was compromising what I wanted.

It took me a few weeks to work out that I did indeed really like him, and now as I think about it I realise that him not looking as I would prefer is pretty much the only negative thing about him. He is less expressive than me, but he has a wonderful ability to have an adult conversation about “us”. He has a healthy approach to life and we laugh a lot.

However…

I’d avoided asking “THE QUESTION”...

Do you want to have more children? (He has a son already)

We had that conversation last night and his answer was no.

My answer is yes, I want to have children…

It was heartbreaking because we’d connected in such a loving way. We’d started building the foundations for what could have been a really healthy loving relationship…

But wanting to have a baby.. that’s something I cannot compromise on, in any way.

It was an unpleasant decision to make, and we both cried in each others arms saying goodbye, but at the same time I knew it was right.

Now the only challenge is having to go through re-adjusting of not having him in my life- we’ve talked probably at least an hour a day every day (on average) for the last 7 weeks, and numerous silly texts and messages throughout the day.

We said goodbye this morning.

I’ve lost a friend, I’ve lost someone who truly understands me, someone who loves me even with my many foibles..

I feel sad, but am also grateful that I have had this experience with him. It has helped me understand more about me, and how I am within relationships and what I want from one.

He’s lovely, truly lovely.



feeling a little sad this Christmas

that I am single, and not sharing it with the man of my dreams.

But also grateful that I’m not in a relationship that wasn’t loving.

so I was just thinking, in terms of the goals I have in my life, what are the things that are essential to me regarding a relationship- ie what are the things that I would not find acceptable in a relationship?

Anything that would negatively effect my goals-

Lack of integrity.

“shameful secrets”- ones that are current & unresolved.

unhealthy



healing, coming to terms with loosing the man I thought was the man of my dreams...

I was recommended “It’s called a break up because it’s broken” last week, I ordered it and it arrived in a few days.

I started reading it yesterday and I must say it has really helped me a lot.

The realisation that, despite the feeling that I love him, the reality of the relationship was that it didn’t work. He wasn’t able to communicate in a way that I felt loved and respected.

He wasn’t able to communicate at all.

Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone that can’t communicate?

No.

So it’s a good thing that we finished sooner rather than later.

Relationships end, it’s the way of life.

Shit happens as Forrest Gump says.

it’s tough, it’s hard. But I’ll get over it, and already it’s a helluva lot less painful than it was a few weeks ago.

I really do deserve better/ someone more suited to my personality.

I’m a good person, a loving person, full of many wonderful aspects.

I love me.

At some point, I’m hopeful that i will find someone else (a gorgeous successful man) who loves me too :)



why can't I let go, and stop loving him?

I want to let go, I want to stop loving him.

I contacted him again recently, and we talked yesterday, I want to know what it was about our relationship that was so awful. I want him to tell me how horrible it was for him, so I can move on.

So I can stop loving him. But when we talked he can’t . There is nothing that he says that I did anything wrong. Yes there were things that he didn’t like, but those things weren’t that I was horrible, just that we’re different.

So if we’re not compatible, how come I can’t just let go?

I said to him that i love him, but don’t want him back.

But this morning I realised that simply isn’t true.

I do, I want nothing more in the world to be held in his arms again. To feel his body next to mine, to look into his beautiful eyes and see the love he has/had for me in them, as my eyes express the deep, deep love I have for him.

I wish I didn’t , I know this is ridiculous, I “SHOULD” let go, he doesn’t want me, and that’s all there is to it.

I wrote this to him but didn’t send it:

I love you, I love you more than anything in the world, I want nothing more than to be with you and snuggle with you.

I want to stop loving you, stop wanting you and I can’t. I can’t let go and I want to.

I want you to tell me what was wrong for you, why I was so horrible to you that you stopped loving me, so that I
can stop loving you too.

I don’t know how to let go.

I think of you all the time, your beautiful, beautiful eyes. The way you held my hand, the way you hugged me and
how perfect I felt with you, how perfect my body felt against yours.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry that I can’t just shut off and pretend that I don’t feel anything for you.

I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need and move on with your life, you’re obviously better off without me.

I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to love a man that doesn’t feel the same way about me. “

I’m fed up of hurting, grieving I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, in spite of everything, in spite of all the differences we had.

I love him, and that love has gone nowhere, has not lessened any bit since I fell in love with him.

Why am I so stupid?



It's 3am and I can't sleep, there's just so much pain

I’ve hardly eaten in 5 weeks, about half the amount my body really needs. I didn’t eat today at all until dinner time.

I’m ill and I’ve been abandoned and rejected by a man that pursued me, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me….

he wasn’t capable of a relationship, and we weren’t compatible.

I’m crying & crying & crying and sobbing, I’m sick of crying, but each time I resist it, it just makes it worse.

I love him. he’s so beautiful, and so hurt & damaged, and I loved ALL of him, he just couldn’t love ALL of me….

it hurts so much, I wish somebody would tell me how to make the pain go away



he was a coward

he stopped communicating with me because he was afraid of hurting me.

He promised me last week that he would send me a personal email responding to mine, and he hasn’t.

each time I come into contact with him, see a mutual friend post a picture with him on facebook etc I feel physically nauseous.

I am in pain, I cry about an hour and a half a day, I don’t know how to make the pain stop.

I reach out to friends, I’ve called the Samaritans a couple of times, just so I can cry & be listened to, to help me release the tears.

I am angry with him, with me, for being abandoned.



so, he wasn't the man of my dreams after all...

the relationship ended on Saturday, I’m heart broken, but it had been coming the last few months.

There were things that were unacceptable to me, and I named them. He didn’t like it. When I got upset and wanted to talk about it, to find resolutions, he clammed shut and would not talk.

There were lots of things that weren’t right about the relationship, yet I still grieve, I mourn because I have lost what I thought would be “the” relationship, “the” man I’d spend the rest of my life with, have a family with, build a business with…

He’s simply not capable of being in an adult relationship.

;(

Spent an hour and a half crying my eyes out talking about it to Samaritans during the week, it really helped, she was very supportive, and objective, and told me that really I had done everything I could, and that it wasn’t my fault.
(I needed to hear that)



Man of MY dreams, is this him?

So, my last update explained how I’d been getting closer & closer to a friend and we’d kissed, but then I decided it didn’t feel right & wanted to stay friends…

Well what happened was that when I told him, he was really cool about it. He said he was gutted, wished it was different but that really, if it wasn’t mutual between 2 people then that was fair enough, but that he would still continue to be my friend.

And he did- continue to be the warm, loving, funny friend I’d gotten closer & closer to over the last few months.

Then he went away for a week, and was extremely busy with work (it was a business trip) and he wasn’t around to have little chats with on Skype/by text, and I realised that I missed him.

When he got back I was due to meet with him and some friends, which we did and I found that I was really attracted to him physically.

We sat down for lunch together, and I made sure I was sitting next to him, I let my leg touch his leg, and it felt lovely. It felt right, it felt good, it felt electric!

So then I was all deeply confused, because I hadn’t felt like that the week before :S

I talked it over with my friend and she said she believed he would be great for me & that telling him how I now felt was a good idea.

I was full of anxiety, what if I told him this, and then my feelings changed again a week later?

Later that night I ended up talking to him on the phone. And after talking about everything except what I wanted to say, I finally plucked up the courage!

“I missed you while you were away”...
“When we were in the pub & my leg was touching yours- it was meant to…”

The next day we were due to meet anyway, for business, which we still did.

But in the break… he kissed me, and it was lovely :)

then we went for lunch and we held hands, and when we were in the queue waiting to be seated I leant against him, and it felt like heaven. Strong, secure, safe, loving, perfect.

This coming Sunday ( a few days time) we’ll be celebrating our 5 “weekiversary” :)

I was extremely nervous to begin with, totally unsure and way outside of my comfort zone.

Talking it over with friends, they gave me the nudge of encouragement, so what if it might not work out, it might not be “THE” relationship, if I wanted it I needed to experience it to find out!

And we’ve had our rollercoasters- including 2 days in Thorpe Park with plenty of roller coasters for real- brilliant, amazing days that were definitely amongst the best of my life so far, because of the fun, the friends we were with, and because I was with him.

It took me a while, but I said the “L” word for the first time a few weeks back.

I’ve had some emotional issues surface since then, but we’ve survived.

I look at him and I really like what I see. When my lips touch his, I feel connected, warm, loved.

There are many things that are not perfect about him, but many that are.

There are many, many things that are not perfect about me, and I hope that they don’t drive him away.

I hope that, together, we can create a healthy, loving, long lasting, secure relationship.

Today I am prepared to make mistakes, and learn from them, I will not allow myself to be paralysed by the fear of being wrong.



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