Journal

of guilt, shame- from paranoia.

I was expecting someone to ocntact me back and they didn’t, which I didnm’t understand & my mind invented a way that would have been unpleasant to explain it.

then late tonight i got a text which explained it- all was well.

I feel so guilty & ashamed for being alive, at every opportunity I find reasons for things to go wrong, even when they’re going ok.

been in touch with 2 people that are involved in a network/community & helped them- and by doing so I helped me.

when I coach I coach myself. the very process of coaching is healing – for me & the client.

I need to keep on doing it, regardless of money.

I need to coach as many people as possible.

Because I love it- and because it makes a difference it helps people.

Screw the money- I’ll get a job, for now- keeping coaching is important. feeling ashamed because I’ve literally been living in poverty the last 18months is not helping me coach people.

I’ve the job application almost complete, I feel confident about it :) I’ll print off the CV to go with it & bring it into the place tomorrow. I want to speak to the manager as I do so though- best chance of me gettign a job there.

It’s cold int he apartment, I don’t know how to turn on the storage heaters :(

I’d forgotten how effective it is in shifting things, processing emotions.

I’m feeling much better emotionally than I was this morning. Physically I still feel very tired, that’s ok.

I’m going ot watch another Grey’s Anatomy episode then I’m going out for some groceries & I’m going to cook myself some dinner & have food in for the week ahead also :)

because I forget things. Lots of things. I find it hard to concentrate.

I forget people I’ve had long conversations with- they talk to me as if they know me & I pretend that I do know them- and I hope, I hope that eventually, during the course of the conversation that I remember who they are, where I know them from…

This happens regularly. Ok I meet a lot of people but that’s not the reason i forget. Either it’s the poor nutrition- cos of the food allergies & the fact that I don’t have money to buy vitamins – or it’s early onset Alzeihmers just like my Mummy, and her dad.

I booked an appointment with the hospital earlier this year, but then had the opportunity to go on a course & didnt go. I meant to ring to rearrange but I never did. now I feel guilty for missing it.

I need to get tested properly. Sure fear can create stress, stress can cause memory problems… but i need to be tested properly, thoroughly by doctors. It’ll have to wait until I get money.
Maybe I ought to move back to the Uk. Sooner than I thought… At least I have a network of people there for support.

so i’m using it to relax. I’m tired, my body is so very tired. exhausted. I don’t know why- yeah stress is one factor- poor nutrition due to food intolerances is another and not sleeping right is another.

I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy today. episode’s where Merideth’s mother was exhibiting not so pleasant effects of Alzeihmers. The same thing my mother died of. There was a scene where she was shouting at people & it reminded me of my Mum. I cried. I’m crying now. Alzeihmers is a horrible, painful, painful desease.

There was another scene where someone was late & their boss said “Your Late” she said “I apologise” and it was ok. The apology was accepted & everything was ok. The relationship wasn’t damaged, the boss didn’t think she was irresponsible & not worthy. A mistake was made, responsibility was taken- an apology made- no excuse given. And I realised growing up I was never allowed to make an apology & it be ok. My mum specifically taunted me- hurting me, telling me how wrong/bad I was. I don’t remember ever having an apology accepted by my parents. Sorry wasn’t good enough. Nothing was ever good enough.

I’ve healed a lot, and at times I feel like I’m a failure because I’m still processing stuff like this- sometimes I think that I can’t be doing it right or I wouldn’t still be grieving. Grieving for the loss of my parents, grieving for the childhood I never had. Healing from the pain & emotional abuse that was inflicted on me by my parents. The ones who were supposed to protect me & support me in the world- teach me how to cope with life. Teach me how to be happy. They failed. They hurt me. They hurt me so badly I’m still crying about it now- 2 months from my 35th birthday.

It’s not my fault. I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m not defected because I’m in pain. I function perfectly ok as a human being, given the set of circumstances I’ve experienced.
If I need to ry to process the pain that’s been inflicted on me in my life- then what the hell is wrong with that?

so emotions earlier tonight.

My mum had early onset alzeihmers- first showed symptoms when I was a teenager.

there was a scene in the episode of House MD that I was watching tonight that reminded me of when my Mum was in hospital. During the early stages, when she could still talk.

I realised how very angry I am with the medical staff, for their lack of care & attention – failing to meet my mother’s needs in so many ways. And how angry I am at me for not being able to change it. I couldn’t do anything about it. I did voice my concerns a few times but they were pretty much ignored, or justified or rationalised. i feel so sad and angry that people can be treated the way my mother was treated. It was inhumane. When my Dad raised issues he was told that he was psychiatrically ill. OMG!! unbelievable. How can they be so corrupt- who is there to keep these “doctors” in check. Anyone stands up against them, criticises them & they simply label them mentally ill… wow… no wonder the medical system is so very fucked up.

My mum died, my dad died. I don’t have anyone to take care of me when I need a hand & that is fucking painful. Yeah I’m strong, yeah I’ll cope, but you know what it IS bloody difficult and I really don’t give myself enough credit at all.

the black hole I was in, thankfully :)

thank you to everyone who comment & sent lovely wonderful messages, it was beautiful to be reminded of the good things about myself.

I had a couple of realisations-

I AM a good person! (I think it’s the most I’ve ever actually truly realised this)

There’s nothing wrong with pain.

I reacted to several different things, but mainly the bad opinion of others. Those people don’t know me, assumed they did & decided to criticise me for very little reason, I suppose other than it felt good to them.

I’m doing good in the world, I DO make a difference to people’s lives- in a positive way. That’s my aim, it’s my goal to leave a positive impression on people’s lives- no matter how small. I am achieving that.

I feel like shite,
I walked the dogs, it’s cold outside, mad dog is a nightmare barking & having a go at other dogs, stressful.
Goldie is brilliant as usual.

feel like shite don’t want to do anything, don’t want to eat, shower, can’t concentrate on doing stuff for work- feel like anything I’d do would be shite anyway.

I just want the pain to stop.

I cried which made me feel a little better.

It’s fucking hard, too fucking hard.

Need to find a job, can’t find work cos I’m over qualified for some jobs, the ones I want I’m underqualified for.
I’m in a black hole I see no way out.

I’m a failure. I tell people to focus on the positive & I can’t even do that myself.

to just start writing again- cathartic style “better out than in” and it’s worked for me in the past so here I am.

Today I feel like dying, I have no hope. I don’t see any way out of the situation I’m in.

I feel like I can’t overcome the obstacles I find in my way.

I’m crying now, which is a good thing- it’s releasing the pain.

I’m in debt, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing, however I’m in debt & I can’t maintain repayments. I feel guitly & ashamed of that.

I have let people down.

I said I’d do things that I wasn’t able to do.

I failed, miserably.

I feel like a fraud.

How can I help other people when I’m so fucked up financially myself?

I’m facing the very real possibility of becoming homeless because I can’t pay my rent.

I’ve done well at PR & marketing, getting great feedback but not enough paying customers.

I suck

I’m shit

I don’t know what to do.

i want to get out of this situation but don’t know how

I don’t have any one to support me.