Identify what my fears REALLY are, then beat the fuckers into submission!!!

why this move to austin is terrifying me so, but it is very, very scary. maybe the fear of making the wrong decision. the fear of losing what i have here. uncertainty? why is uncertainty so scary? self, please believe the universe will take care of me.

is making it hard to accept the teaching job in Texas because I know the schools in Chicago are much worse off. Higher need. More useful.

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I also fear I have a complex to try to “save” them (high need students, veterans, my family’s health problems). Shit, nobody’s fate rests in my hands. It would be liberating to believe that. But I think that makes us lazy. I tend believe that I can make a difference, and attempt choose every action remembering our interconnectedness. Maybe there is some kind of balance to aim for here. Do what I can and not beat myself up over what I don’t? Where do I draw the line?

I called my parents to ask them a question while I walked to work this morning. When I arrived, I said “Okay, I’m in the building, I’ve got to get to work now!” and my dad cheerfully replied “Go do something useful! Bye!”

i don’t even know why i am sobbing. i spent sleepless nights working on something that, today, turned out not to be useful. and this has set off a horrible reaction in me. first, anger. so much anger i was pink and overheated. and then guilt for being angry. and shame. and after talking out the miscommunications, when i hung up the phone, i erupted into hot sobbing tears from i don’t know where. from this overwhelming need to be useful. i volunteer non stop. i am working two jobs, to save money to pay for training this summer to get a job where i will be… even more useful! i feel an absolute terror at the thought of not being useful. (say it! being… useless) that being useful is what i have to give. i want to be useful. i want to be helpful. that is when i feel worthwhile. when i’m good for something. i’m not even sure what good it will do to hit “save” because i have no idea where to go with this knowledge.

i am a water bug
have you seen one?
they skim along the surface
and never stop moving
so they don’t sink