let go

_{Ten entries I had written for “let go” slipped my mind until I came to write one tonight. And I realized I am stuck in the same rut I was in last April. PaK’s advice is exactly what I needed to see at this moment. (Thank you, friend!) I “what-if” myself to oblivion. Which coincides perfectly with what I intended to post…}

Chiron Trine Pluto
Learning to trust
Valid during many months (till the end of January): Under this influence you will become increasingly aware that all the truly important events in your life occur without your conscious intervention. This will help you to act with more calm and composure in those areas where you had difficulties in the past or found it hard to make any headway. You should now find it easier to deal with things in a relaxed manner, not brooding so morosely over your own failings and inadequacies. This will also help you to be more understanding when others make mistakes, making you more forgiving.

I don’t need to “what-if” because I don’t need to consciously intervene, to control everything. I don’t need to keep up this delicate balance of all the bits of universe in my brain, because if I let go, those bits of universe will not fall apart. No need to brood over my failings and inadequacies. No need to super congratulate my achievements. I didn’t make any of it happen, or fail to make any of it happen. Things just…happen.
Detach. Zen.

What I haven’t had (and need to cultivate) is trust, in my decisions, in the people in my life, in the universe itself. Trust that it will all be okay, instead of feeling responsible for making everything okay. In my lack of power over all these bits, I should find calm.

Then I will realize there is nothing to hold on to after all.

_{I hope this clarity lasts more than these few moments. It is just weird, because sometimes I feel I quite powerful to make great changes happen. A responsibility to make the world a better place. As long as letting go does not deteriorate into shirking responsibility for the effects of my actions or inactions… Ohhh, losing clarity already…}

if it wasn’t actually officially over yet it pretty much ought to be.

this has been over since just about right after it started and it’s been so hard to come to grips with it, that in retrospect it looks like i was attempting life support on a hopelessly dying creature which has at this point completely flatlined.

part of me, the persistent part? wants to frantically do CPR. you know the scene, in the OR, where the doctor is actually pumping the heart with her own hands?

i need to accept that it’s dead.

it helped with the last boy to make an official visit and end. to say my piece in a non confrontational affirming way. i need to do that. it’s just weird to make an official end to something that was never an official relationship. what does an official end even mean? there is no way to quit working together with all the projects we have going on. we are both out of town the next week, so maybe when we get back, i’ll be ready.

i don’t know how i’ll be ready. i’m not ready to let go of the fight. i see something so beautiful. those are the hardest to let die.

Soneto da Separação

De repente do riso fez-se o pranto
Silêncioso e branco como a bruma
E das bocas unidas fez-se a espuma
E das mãos espalmadas fez-se o espanto

De repente da calma fez-se o vento
Que dos olhos desfez a última chama
E da paixão fez-se o pressentimento
E do momento imóvel fez-se o drama

De repente, não mais que de repente
Fez-se de triste o que se fez amante
E de sozinho o que se fez contente

Fez-se do amigo próximo o distante
Fez-se da vida uma aventura errante
De repente, não mais que de repente

Sonnet of Separation

Suddenly laughter was turned to sorrow
Silent and white like the mist
And mouths joined together were turned to foam
And hands drove away what once they welcomed

Suddenly the calm was turned to wind
That blew out the last flame in the eyes
And passion was turned to foreboding
And the frozen moment was turned to drama

Suddenly, no more than suddenly
The lover was transformed in sadness
And contentment into solitude

The close friend became a distant one
Life became a wandering adventure
Suddenly, no more than suddenly

on Sunday. There was no mention from either of us of dating again or even seeing each other. And I was perfectly happy, wanting to be nothing more than his friend. Thank you, time, for the healing. :)

and Friday is the official start of summer. Yesterday I decided to call the boy, almost on a whim. I grabbed my phone, and slowly smiled at myself for deleting his number to foil my impulses. After some digging around I found where I’d hidden it. But I’ve not yet saved it in my phone.

I think it’s a good idea to call. Perhaps tonight. Checking in and seeing how things are going, if there is anything there anymore (or if my feelings are officially in my imagination), will help me finish letting go. Or get things back on track, but… more likely, let go.

The only reason I’ll be able to call him with any sanity is thanks to you 43T-ers who have shared so much wisdom.

I’m glad I’m re-reading the advice everyone gave me back then. It will help when I do give him a call to remember those words and keep myself grounded. He did keep me “in suspense” quite a lot with poor communication. It was exhausting toward the end. I’ve been quite a happy girl for the past month… would it really be worth it if he wants to try again?

It will be smart to keep all that in mind.

So, basically, thank you :)

“One Art” from The Complete Poems 1927-1979
by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
of love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

i miss him so much. still. nearly every day.

i had a date friday. he was very nice. but not what i’m looking for. he just made me miss the boy even more.

i ache inside.

even when the day is good, and i laugh, i have fun… deep down, he’s still missing.

and he’s just out of reach.

so I got an early birthday note from the boy… it’s the first time we’ve had any contact since I broke up with him almost exactly two months ago. I’m dizzy. Literally. And I have no idea what to do.

_{but this picture is from new year’s eve}

since I officially broke up with the boy (not the ex—that was last August). For some reason the past two days I absolutely cannot stop thinking about him. It came over me yesterday like a tidal wave. It’s wrecking my ability to concentrate. More than anything, I want to call him, but I know it would ruin any chance at a future.

Actually, what I want more than anything is for him to call me.

Mostly, I want to know if he’s ever going to want to give it another go, or if he only went with the “bad timing” excuse because the option was on the table. Maybe he’s still going through rough times…I have no idea.

I’d love to be able to let this go. I can’t seem to shake the thought that if the timing is right, it could really be something fantastic. If I could give up the hope I’m clinging to, it would be much easier. I guess that’s the same as letting go, eh?

He’s still my friend on myspace. I probably need to delete him. I catch myself staring at his never-updated page, wondering if he reads my silly blog, or if he knows I cut my hair partly because my punk ponytails kept reminding me of him. But if I delete him with no explanation, he will surely think I’m no longer interested, which is not true at all. And I can’t give him an explanation, because it’s barely been a month, and I have a self-imposed three month waiting period, unless I decide I’m not interested before three months pass. Then I’d have nothing to lose by talking to him. I suppose I still feel like there is something that could be lost.

Why is it so complicated inside my head?

_{to clarify before i begin: i have been calling the guy i dated the last three months “the boy.” but this story is about “the ex.” we met in college and became friends ten years ago. we dated the last four years. he broke up with me in august on our anniversary weekend.}

_{they are pictured together above, in hawaii, “being sensitive to my feelings”}

i loved him. unconditionally.

i just learned that the ex took the girl i used to consider a friend before the hawaii incident on his big trip to new zealand last month. and she was probably on his nevada climbing trip last week. despite his denials to me, they are far more than friends. i shouldn’t have read his blog but i was only expecting a vivid and funny story. not to learn how she has taken my place in all the things we used to do together. his life is the same, with a different character playing my part. my life is upside down.

how many times can my heart break for the same boy?

this i must let go.

if only i knew how…

_{then i could stop trembling and the knot in my stomach would disappear and i could smile and say something like i learned from my mistakes and i don’t miss him and don’t have any regrets}

climbing under my desk now.