date SMARTER

Post-date chat with a friend tonight… I realized I mentally list all the reasons I should not see my date again. Disqualifications. Deal breakers. My friend encouraged me to look at it from another angle: ponder the reasons I should continue. I had a fun time bowling tonight. He was very sweet, didn’t try to make a move on me (not even a goodnight kiss! WOW he moves even slower than I do!). He’s a science teacher too, and we talked shop a while, which made me feel more optimistic about the upcoming year. And he asked me to call him after I get back from Chicago. I’d like for him to make a move, since I’ve done all the asking so far, but I will seize my opportunity to exercise patience :) I do think it would be wonderful to be friends first.
_{He’s just so darn CUTE}

is not dating at all :) at least i realize with all this first-year-teacher-craziness, the best thing for me is to just take care of me. this is good.

There is this boy. He cares about me immensely and lets me know. He tries to understand what I need and then ::gasp:: he does it gladly. And he remembers. We have a good balance of giving what each other needs. We share a lot of values and have excellent chemistry (rare). He tells me what he appreciates about me. Our communication is, in fact, amazing. And somehow, he does not think I’m neurotic! He seems sort of socially awkward, but I do not believe anybody is perfect. These things all sound like dating smart.

Still, I’m hesitant.

I think he’s fantastic, a great lover, a kind and intelligent man. But I don’t get googly eyed over him. Not even remotely. I don’t get butterflies, I don’t feel a crush for him. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. I am able to keep my wits, communicate honestly, not be clingy, and make rational choices, something that usually escapes me in love. It feels sturdy instead of giddy. Well, for me at least. I think he gets fairly giddy.

Is this a bad thing? Did I just skip the lovey-dovey phase, or do successful relationships need an element that I am missing?

I need a break. There is no one pressuring me to date, but for some reason I feel it coming from inside me, the pressure to decide. And it’s too much. I need to set a boundary with myself, create a space to figure myself out before I try to figure out anyone else. I don’t even know myself well enough to know what it is I need. I need to make time to do that.

that reminded me of this goal….

A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.’
- Douglas Adams

The first night we spent together he told me there was a song...
He said he wanted to give his love to me but couldn’t. I knew from the start the time was running out, just didn’t realize how fast. How deep I got when I should have known better.

If I Could Give All My Love (Richard Manuel Is Dead)

_{by Counting Crows}

Got a message in my head
that the papers had all gone
Richard Manuel is dead
And the daylight’s coming on
I’ve been wandering through the dark
now I’m standing on the lawn

If I could give all my love to you
I could justify myself
but I’m just not coming through
You’re a pill to ease the pain
of all the stupid things I do
I’m an anchor on the line
of a clock that tells the time
that is running out on you.

Well it was cold when I woke
and the day was halfway done
Nearly spring in San Francisco
but I cannot feel the sun
you were sleeping next to me
but I knew that you’d be gone

If I could give all my love to you
I could justify myself
but I’m just not coming through
You’re a pill to ease the pain
of all the stupid things I do
I’m an anchor on the line
of a clock that tells the time
that is running out on you.

Take some time before you go
think of Monday’s coming down
and the people that you knew
The ones that aren’t around
you’ve been fading day to day
I’ve been moving town to town

If I could give all my love to you
I could justify myself
but I’m just not coming through
You’re a pill to ease the pain
of all the stupid things I do
I’m an anchor on the line
of a clock that tells the time
that is running out on you.

Just deciding to stop letting this drain my strength and my energy has already begun to make me feel more free. That sounds smart.

After making quite a mess of things, we at least drew some boundaries on being friends yesterday. I think that will help with all the confusion swirling around whatever you want to call is going on between us.

I feel so strongly about him. So much I can’t be vulnerable because I am terrified of having my guts torn out. But it’s keeping us from connecting on an emotional level, and that’s making him resentful.

I wish it was going better but I welcome the time and space to sort this out.

over before it starts.

_{i’m so tired of this.}

throws me completely off-kilter.

nothing makes me feel more lonely than wanting to be with someone else.

now i must strive to believe that i already have all i need. i am a self-sufficient woman. i have lovely friends. i am never truly alone.

_{to the scared little survival chunk of my brain:
i will not die if this doesn’t work out, no matter how much i like him.}