stop cutting myself

I JUST CUT…OVER 5 1/2 MOTHS DOWN THE FUKIN DRAIN:(.........FUK

its been over three months an i dont think about it as much…...i try to keep busy so that its my last option….sometimes it get so hard that i put the blade to my arm but i just hold it there till the feeling goes away….im trying to stop and its probably the hardest thing i have ever done…since i havnt been cutting i picked up smoking…everytime i feel i wanna cut i smoke instead….one bad habbit after another =(

well i got sent to carrier for cutting…was there 8 days….sucked ass…then i was sent to princeton house for almost 3 months…i didnt really learn anything there but i have stop cutting for about 2 weeks now…so far so good

so i got into a fight with my mom again…i cut….then i got into it with my teacher and i cut again…i told my friend and she told me to go to the counsoler…she went with me an we talked to her for 3 hours! about everything i did what i do to cope whats going on at home….everything..im getting help…shes setting up an appointment for a physk evaluation and then i might get into a teen talk group….im trying but i dont know how its going to go yet…ill try tho

i cannot believe i went 7weeks without cutting just to screw it up now….my mom is the biggest bitch ever…as soon as i wake up shes bashing me…”your selfish, all you care about is yourself..blah blah blah blah blah….....i couldnt take anymore i held it in for so long and just cut it out…she makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth….how am i selfish and caring about myself when all i want to do is just die…i wrote a note that id give her when im gone….”Now you can spend your time telling someone else YOUR A BIG FUCK UP!” I JUST WANT HER TO FEEl the same way she makes me feel all the time…...im not going to blame her for how i am because i dont like to talk about feelings and all that mushy bullshit…i keep it in put on a smile while i cry the tears inside that i cant cry outside…...i just want it to end…i dont want to go to college or get a job or be an adult…im a coward who just wants to not BE anymore…..i just want to go…

and i think im going to go insane….in class they have been talking about memiors an someone read about a girl who cut. then when we disscussed it and they talked aout how gross it was and who would ever do that to themselves. and that people who did that just needed to get over it…i was so pissed and just wanted to scream at them that its how we cope!! i cut to get away from the pain, as crazy as it sounds. in the book the girl described how she cut and what it looked like… i just wanted to leave class and go cut…..especially after the class talked. if they knew that i cut they would think i was stupid and would tell me to get over it….they dont get it at all….

i was fighting with my dad last night and he was yelling at me to shut the fuck up over and over just telling me to shut the fuck up..i hate living with my dad and i hate going back to my moms because all we do is fight too. thats why i go out with friends all the time…to get away from fighting….i went to my room and felt the tears but they didntcome..i didnt cry i just sat on my bed waiting to break down…i still didnt cry so i cut…i had nowhere for the anger and hurt to go so i cut it away….no tears just blood to replace them…i just want to cry why wont my body let me anymore…..i put up a front and now icant let it down…im not trying to hold them back so whats wrong with me?...

well tomorrow starts the 10 day spring break for me..im getting another tatto and getting it over my scars. i’ve decided to stop for good ..that way i can’t cut there anymore. its relativly big and when i get it ill post the picture…hope all goes well wish me luck…

it wasn’t even that big of a problem at first…my parents were on me again about my sliping grades..they keep telling me that i need to get it together and stop feeling sorry for myself…they dont get it and summer is comming…how am i going to hide the scars from my family and friends?...i need long sleeved shirts …if they see all the scars they’ll send me away and i dont want to spend my summer in psyke…..i made about 20 new cuts on my arm…went a lil crazy and couldn’t stop myself…i dont know what to do to cover them…..

its been 2weeks and 5 days….still no cuts….i want to so badly but instead im going out with my friends…ive traded addictions…now instead of cutting im smoking….its such a bad habbit but if i stop im going to go cut again..as long as im out of the house i think i’ll be ok….im a senior this year and i dont know whats going to stop the urges when i move into my own place…...well i guess we’ll see