cry

Why is it that people find your weakness and love to pick at it until it breaks you down? Just because they feel like shit. It’s a cycle of endless crap that pulls you down into nothingness. I hate him! I fucking hate him! And for some reason that’s been happening with a lot of people lately. They don’t seem to get me. Not that I would want to tell them my innermost thoughts and feelings anyway. He’s such an asshole. I came to class early just to use the computer. The same computer I use every class. And he steps right in front of me and goes to the computer that I told him I was going to use. Then he calls me a bastard because I told him to go on another computer. Well fuck him. “well if you weren’t such a bastard” I mean I know you might have had a bad day but your not the only fucking one. I’ve been having bad days since my father left us for another fucking woman. Who by the way keeps trying to change us. Kitty’s “too plain.” Liane wants her to change her hair color from brown to blonde! What the fuck is that. I dress to plain, I need more make up… yea more shit to cover my face. Hide my real self behind a mask of blush and bullshit. And taylor… what a spoiled bitch! She gets away with everything because why? She’s the baby…..awwww so let’s just give her anything she wants. It pisses me off… this morning she complained that she was late for band but she was the last person to get up. She was the one reading a magazine when I said we should leave… and then she gets mad when she’s five minutes late. Or last night when I found her reading my magazine after I had told her not to. I took it away and she gave me the middle finger and said “bitch.” So I picked up a pencil and chucked it at her head. To bad it wasn’t sharp….she thinks that just because I’m not her biological sister that she doesn’t have to listen to me….and it’s not just me its mom and dad and kitty….she lies, steals everything, procrastinates more than me and still does not get punished. And when I tell mom about it she says “what do you want me to do about it, just ignore her”….ignore her….are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!///god just writing about this pisses me off!!!!! And even after it all she finds ways to make me feel like shit….no matter how hard I try I can’t forget the things people say…even if they only said it because they were mad. Usually the first thing people say is how their really feeling. And saying sorry does not fix it. I MIGHT forgive but I NEVER forget what people say to me or about me. so to the ones who know…*$#& off.

so everythings been building and penting up inside and feel like im going to blow. i cant talk to my family and my friends dont understand all that im going through…i just want to cry everything out…cutting seems o help for a while but i still need a good cry…..im still waiting.

i was fighting with my dad last night and he was yelling at me to shut the fuck up over and over just telling me to shut the fuck up..i hate living with my dad and i hate going back to my moms because all we do is fight too. thats why i go out with friends all the time…to get away from fighting….i went to my room and felt the tears but they didntcome..i didnt cry i just sat on my bed waiting to break down…i still didnt cry so i cut…i had nowhere for the anger and hurt to go so i cut it away….no tears just blood to replace them…i just want to cry why wont my body let me anymore…..i put up a front and now icant let it down…im not trying to hold them back so whats wrong with me?....