become a mother

I’ve realized that this is something I really want. The thought of having children has always terrified me but lately, I feel differently. It’s like something in my gut is telling me that I know this is what I want, and I’ve had to battle with myself for a year to even fully admit that. I see friends and family with their children, and a slight jealously rises up inside of me. But it’s also a craving: I want what they have. I know we might not be in the best financial situation at the moment, but when is anyone ever really financially prepared to have children? I don’t want that to be the reason holding us back.

I never thought I would be the type of person who would want children. In fact, I was sure I didn’t until Andres and I started getting more serious throughout the years and I see the beautiful way that he handles kids. His niece and nephew adore him, and sometimes, I still find myself not being able to communicate with them. Being the only child and the youngest of the family, I was never around children very often.

More and more, I think about what our children will be like, who they will resemble, how we will love and spoil them rotten, if I will be able to commuicate with them, if I will be a good mother…

I want to experience that with him. I want to be the mother of his children, and I want to be a good mother. It is an exciting, but terrifying thought and now that we are married, family members are constantly asking us when we are going to have children. I often wonder if I am ready for that kind of responsibility. We’ve talked about when the right time to decide on having a child will be. We’ve pretty much decided that we’re going to try after two years of marriage.

But is there ever going to be a right time? There’s always going to be a reason not to, the fear and uncertainty, and financial worries. Lately, we’ve been discussing just letting nature take its course…