find a balance between creativity and motherhood

I’ve been having small epiphanies lately, thoughts that have me searching for all kinds of creative classes I can take. It’s something I’ve known all along but I was afraid to admit it and venture in that direction. I think sewing has finally opened this window for me. I get such a high from selling my creations. Just the fact that people actually want to buy them amazes me. I don’t want to just stop with my dolls. I WANT to be a creative powerhouse. I have so much potential and creative energy. The question is: how do I channel it? For one thing, I need to stop wasting my time attempting to do things that I know I will not be happy doing in the future. I could very well go back to court reporting school. I was doing so well, but the question kept arising: will I be happy doing this as a career? I couldn’t ever persuade myself to want it enough.

What I’ve realized is that I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I AM CREATING FOR A LIVING. It’s so simple, so basic a need that I don’t know why I’ve been trying to deny it. I have been afraid to admit this realization all along because I have been afraid of FAILING. And not just failing, but failing in my creative life where I’ve always succeeded. I have been good at every creative thing I have ever tried to do: writing, drawing, painting, digital art, websites, sewing my creations. I want to do so much more. I want to give myself the opportunity to do so much more and stop being afraid. I’m looking into all kinds of things: bookbinding, jewelry making, photography because the possibilities are endless. I don’t think I will lose anything. In fact, I know I have so much to gain.

I never have time to just sit down and reflect anymore, and I feel that I’m losing a part of myself. Thinking back to my old journals and what they meant to me makes me a little sad. I used to pour so much of myself into them; now that energy is reserved for the little one who stares up at me with such beautiful, innocent eyes. And I have to wonder: am I still that girl in those pages? Motherhood is a wonderful thing, but you have to give so much of yourself to this tiny person that relies on you for everything. I would not give that up for anything, but I need to find a way to combine the person I was with the person that I am today. Just because I’m a mother doesn’t mean I have to lose all the old parts of me, the parts that I loved. I love my son so much, but still at times, I feel I can give more to him, more of myself to him. And yet, I don’t want to lose myself, as well.

I am a mother, but this mother is also a wife, a writer, a painter, a lover of creativity…Can I be all of these, too?