forgive my parents

Today I had a good conversation with my dad, for once. No fighting, no bitterness, just us…talking. I’ve realized that in order for us to have any type of relationship, I have to let go of the past. Today made me feel as if he’s finally letting go, too. I hope that we are finally taking the right steps to fix our broken relationship.

I’ve always said that I didn’t want to be like my mother. She is a very quiet, timid woman that at times seems to not be able to do things for herself…but lately, I am realizing just how much strength she possesses. I feel as though I’ve been slapped in the face with the realization that I don’t know my mother at all, and that I have such a warped view of her, probably because of the pain and bitterness I’ve felt all these years. I’ve realized lately that she goes out of her way to help people. Sometimes she’s the only one willing to do this. She was there for my grandmother when she was seriously ill last year, and the only one willing or able to care for her. She took care of my son at the same time and it is not an easy feat to take care of a screaming teething toddler and a sick person who can hardly even walk. She has helped me tremendously lately with my daughter, even coming over early in the morning when the stress and pain of my c-section and the return of my migraines got to me. More and more I realize just how much I want to be like my mother. I don’t know if I have as much patience as she does, but I hope I can learn to be like her and I know that is just one more small step in learning how to forgive her too.

It seems like this gets worse and worse every day. I kind of just want to quit this goal. I don’t think it is ever going to happen, more specifically with my dad…

I don’t know how to respond to my father’s negative comments. Most of the time, I get defensive and argue back but that only leads to a bigger argument and more bitterness. I don’t know if I should just ignore what he is saying, or try to respond back in a calm manner. I’m sure he wouldn’t do well with the latter either as I’ve already tried doing that in the past. We have so much bitterness towards each other that it’s hard to even carry a conversation with him at times. We are too much alike and this brings out the worst in us when we are together. I have no doubt that my father loves me…it’s just that sometimes I don’t think he likes me very much, and vice versa. I don’t know what to do to fix this, but I really want to try for Anthony’s sake. I don’t want him to see us fighting all the time.

Part of the reason I get so defensive is the way I think he views me as a mother. Instead of telling me that Anthony needs a diaper change, he’ll go and tell my mother. Or he’ll tell her that he’s hungry. Or take him to her when he’s hurt. I could be sitting right next to her when he’s telling her these things and he doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that I am Anthony’s mother and am completely capable of doing all of these things. This truly makes me feel like less of a mother, but I know he doesn’t do it intentionally. I think he still sees me as that wild and rebellious teenager who would never back down from him, not as a mother to Anthony. And I think on some level, maybe he doesn’t want me to be independent. Maybe he wants me to have to rely on them for everything, even when it comes to raising and taking care of my son.

Today I saw my dad with his older brothers and sister, and it was so odd to me. I tried to view him as a younger brother to somebody. He was talking very negatively to them, as well, and they pretty much ignored him for the most part. I wonder if he was always like this. Something makes me want to ask my aunt, his oldest sister, as she is the one that I am closest to on that side of the family. I just want to know if his negativity is only directed towards me, or something that is just instilled in him and something I have to try to overlook.

Sometimes I get jealous of the relationship that my parents have with Anthony and I start to wonder why they weren’t that way with me. I love the fact that my grandmother raised me and that I am close to her…but why can’t I be close to them, as well? I feel that this is one of the major gaps in our relationship and the reason I can’t push past all of the bitterness. I want something that I can never have. Anthony loves his grandparents so much, and I don’t want the way I feel to affect that bond that he has with them. But the question now is: do I let them know just how deeply I hurt because of the decisions they made or do I try to look past it and somehow accept it?

I’m not sure when our relationship became the way it is today. I wish I knew how to go about fixing our relationship but how do you fix something when you don’t know how it became so broken in the first place? I want to try, for Anthony’s sake, but more for my own.