stop being depressed

last night i tried slitting my wrist. it hurt so fucking bad and i wast able to go deep enough.

i dont want to gfucking live anymore

ok, so you’ve read about the worst of me. So I just want to say the good.
When I do have a good morning, after my regular wake up routine I then turn up the music, dance, excersize, clean what needs cleaning, then I take a LONG HOT shower, maybe have a great orgasm with my shower head and feel great for the rest of the day.

Early mornings when I’m slowly coming out of deep sleep. My mind is groggy. I go back into a light sleep. That’s when all my hurt and pain from a traumatic event slips into my head. Then BAM! I wake up fully and emotionally distressed.
As I climb out of bed I try to push it all out of my mind. But the feelings persist on hanging inside of me. I feel tired and heavy with it.
I get downright pissed that it happens when I’m most vunerable. I feel violated the way it all sneaks into me. I don’t want to feel the hurt and pain anymore! I want to get on with my life!
I do my morning ritual. Make coffee, check emails, surf a bit.
I try so hard to get all that shit out of my head.
I go lay on the floor where the sun is shining through my window. I lay like a cat or dog soaking up the sun. My mind is racing through all my traumatic past. I get up and put headphones on and start cleaning, doing dishes, anything to keep myself busy. I can’t shake the hurt.
I wish the people who have hurt me so bad would realize what they have done to me. Do they even care? How can they be so cruel and not know it? or even be okay with it? I just don’t understand it at all. I could never be so viscious to anyone, especially my own blood! so much that it makes their hearts break and bleed. But in the end they turn it on me and say I’m the cruel one. Yes, AFTER I get hurt by anyone, I strike back hard cold and fast. I want them to hurt the way I hurt. And they do. I know they do. But it doesn’t matter. They hang on to what I did ignoring what they have done to me. They tell my own children their opinions of me and my children soak it all up and then believe them, not giving a second thought that I was hurt. So here I sit, alone with my own hurt and pain. Licking my wounds every morning after I wake.
It shouldn’t matter to me. I should be able to shake it off and move forward.
Don’t give me that “go to a counselor” shit. I’ve been there, many times. They tell me to move on. Oh like it’s that easy.
They give me pills that turn me into a zombie. Yea, I could be a zombie just fine, but the pills wear off and stop working eventually. The physical wear and tear of getting off them is unbearable to me.
I feel trapped inside myself.
All this happens when I feel the weakest, when I’m just barely waking up. If I could stop it all, I would. But once it’s in, I just can’t push it out again.
I read. I read about love and happiness. I read until I can’t read anymore. It keeps my mind and feelings at bay.
Until that next morning…..

God get me through the day.

get my life back? God I had it good before I met my husband. I had a job, I had friends, I owned my own house, I was happy and independant. He has taken it all away from me. Now I have no job, no friends, no money, and no happiness being here.
Stupid stupid stupid me!
After 4 yrs of putting up with his shit, he now feels tired of supporting me and the kids. He wants me to get a job (only with HIS approval of course). Fucking Asshole is an alcoholic and blames ME for everything.
I wish I had never met him.
I’ll never find a job like the one I had. I didn’t need to hear to work. I’ve been out of the work force for 4 yrs now. Do you know how fucking hard it is to find a job after being a stay at home mom????? And being more deaf than not? It’s not easy for me. It’s not like I can go to the neighbor hood McDonalds and get a job. It took me 2 yrs. to get my life back together after my 1st divorce. I am 7 yrs older now and I am tired damn it.
He broke my spirits down so low I don’t have the energy to step out of the house anymore.
I want what I had back. I want him to put me back where he found me. I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo STUPID! to fall in love again. I knew better. I knew this shit would happen, again.
Now I feel stuck and isolated. I have nothing. I am stuck in this dead zone of a life.

Why do men treat you so good in the 1st yr of a relationship and then POW next thing you know you are living in his hell.
They stop kissing you. They stop cuddling you. They stop looking at you with love in their eyes. They stop respecting you.

Winter is close. Here I go again. Sad, Angry, Irritable, lonely, tired, on and on and on.
My body aches every morning when I wake. I now have an ulcer to deal with. My husband is being cold. It’s so much harder to be lonely with someone than to be lonely and alone. My husband is in his own little world. I need his touch, his love. I need him to look at me with his heart. I need to know that this is all worth while. I refuse to whine and nag or beg.
I have no family, no friends. I am becoming a very bitter old woman.
Every winter I go into depression. I cry wanting to die. I cannot do suicide for my kids need me.
Life is becoming a heavy burden again. I walk slouched over as if I have the world on my shoulders. I shiver with cold, no matter how many layers of clothes I put on.
Every winter I pray that it goes by fast. I pray for death.
Get some help you say?
I’ve been to counseling, I’ve been on anti-depressants. I am too scared to go out and “mingle” among the living anymore because they’re have been alot of cruel people out there. I am 160% deaf. which means I only have 40% hearing in one ear. Close enough for deaf to me. but not legally.
I tried learning sign language by going to a college course. It’s hard to learn when you have no one to sign practice with.
We want to move somewhere warmer all yr round, but cannot afford such a move at this time.
I hate this feeling.
I hate this life.