I think I feel comfortable with marking this off my list for now, keeping it as an ongoing goal but not a main one. The pills are doing wonders, therapy is working even when it’s far between appointments, and I’m accomplishing things.
A decade of this is more than enough and I am so eager to move on.
I haven’t written about this goal in a long while.
I got on meds. I was extremely lucky in that the first ones I tried worked. The original dosage was too high, even though it was only half of the normal prescription, and gave me too many side effects so we halved it again and things have been so much better since then. It’s enough medicine to where I can tell a difference but not so much that I feel medicated or not myself or like I no longer need to work on my problems. I find it’s a happy balance and not really any different to me than taking vitamins or supplements since the dosage is so low.
I had to switch therapists because I got different insurance but then I had to get rid of that insurance so I’ll be seeing my old therapist again starting next week.
Things are going well, over all, and I’m happy. Still have work to do but the meds are helping and being able to actually think clearly has made a world of difference. Basically the OCD symptoms are cut down significantly and so my mind isn’t always busy with doubts and fear so I’m not so emotionally drained.
I still hope to get myself to the point where I no longer need the pills but I’ve become ok with the idea that it may not happen. If some of it’s chemical then it’s chemical, and I can live with that.
Things have been ok with this I guess. Going from good to bad and back again but averaging out to be pretty ok. Not a lot of depression, mostly just unwarranted anxiety and stress. I may be getting on meds in a few months (the earliest I can have the med evaluation). I’m hoping that won’t mean a rollercoaster of different dosages and side effects and such but I shall have to wait and see.
I have much to say but for now I will simply mention that my therapist thinks that it is in fact GAD and that’s just causing the depression which is what I had thought originally so that makes me feel kind of smug. Heh.
Well, in good news, I do seem to have less depression related problems while in school. The anxiety’s there to a degree, but mostly I’m able to just focus on what’s at hand without a million thoughts running through my mind.
Then again, when not in class, this week anyway, I am kind of a mess. It should balance out a bit though once the initial stuff is over, like when I have all my textbooks and know my financial aid status and so on.
I’ve got to stop obsessing about the college stuff. I found out today that even though I’ve ran around town the past few daysand gotten all my stuff in, I still may not be able to go because they may want me to pay for it out of pocket and then get reimbursed with the financial aid which I have no way of doing. (If I had that kind of money on hand why the hell would I need the financial aid?) And I’m down about it and stressed about it and just…not really in a decent mood at all right now. And pms is not helping.
edit, an hour later: I am in an unbelievably shitty mood.
I ordered “Feeling Good” and the “Feeling Good Handbook” because I keep seeing them recommended. I figure they may help give me direction and exercises in between my appointments so “set backs” like today won’t feel as awful.
edit, a few hours later The woman who I guess is my case manager who did the assessment is awesome. I called her back to tell her not to bother with trying to find me someone else, that I had just really needed someone to talk to today. She wound up talking to me for a while and helping me get my FAFSA pin number and apply for college. So yay. She also told me that my therapist called in last minute, so there’s no way they had “tried to contact” me. She said I should try to call my therapist this week and talk to her rather than the front desk about maybe getting in earlier than the 21st. So we shall see about that.
My therapist cancelled our appointment.
The clinic called me ONCE in the morning on Friday and never bothered to call me again (nor did they ever try my cell) so I didn’t find out until I got there this morning. And I can’t see her again until the friggin 21st. Which is slightly more than 2 weeks from now, even though it’s been 2 weeks since my first appointment already. I stormed out of the clinic because I was so upset. I am not in a good place today, especially after not sleeping well because I had to get up early for therapy this morning.
I called the woman I had the assessment with to ask about swapping therapists or seeing someone else sooner than the 21st and she’s supposed to call me back. I’m not particularly hopeful. Howver, I know that if I stay with this therapist this is going to make it even harder for me to get along with her enough for the therapy to do any good. It’s hard on me to even go and then when I make myself go I don’t even have a session.
I have been dealing with this for 10 damn years now and seeing someone for less than an hour once a month is not going to do me any good. There’s a reason I asked for the 2 week sessions.
I am determined to not stay in this funk all day though. I am not going to let this (and the other crappy things that have happened today) completely ruin the day. I just hope I don’t wind up going off on my boyfriend or mom due to being in a bad mood from this morning because my relationships are already in enough turmoil as it is thanks to the depression/anxiety lately.
I’m supposed to write out a list of depression and anxiety triggers before my next appointment… I’m guessing it won’t be helpful to just write down, “um, everything?” on a post it. But that won’t keep me from considering doing so.
Well, I didn’t come away from the first appointment as positive as the assessment. I’m not sure if the therapist and I will mesh well. I think perhaps she’s more of the “talk out your problems” kind of therapist than I would prefer, since I want to be doing and actively changing the behaviors. Though, of course, I don’t know that what I think would be a better way actually would be. We shall see, though.
A lot of what triggered the original depression/anxiety is stuff I don’t particularly care or stress about any more, that I’ve spent almost 10 years thinking about and dealing with and (it seems to me) getting over, so it feels kind of tedious going over it again but I suppose it’s an integral part of the process.
The appointments are much shorter than I thought they’d be, so I’m glad I opted to go every couple of weeks. Today was basically just me giving her my back story again but going more into detail about some stuff. Next time will be a lot of that, too, and also us talking about what I want to accomplish by going to therapy and that sort of thing. I do like that she will usually be giving me self help homework of a sort.
I have qualified for the insurance so I do not have to worry about any of the costs associated with therapy and if they put me on meds it will only be a 3 dollar co-pay if that.
Huge load off my mind.
My first real session is Monday morning. Wish me luck that my doctor’s cool.