post moments & things that make me laugh!

when I was looking up comics/cartoons to add to my tests with Shakespeare…

Hilarious!

http://maddox.xmission.com/

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=spot_the_pedo

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=personality

http://www.pyzam.com Look at the funny pics

gotta laugh.

burst out laughing.

loving the characters and almost all of them make me laugh a few times per episode.

Recently watched Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, so inputting some quotes here:

Eddie: They’re armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster… what do you think they’re gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!

---

Rory Breaker: If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain’t the kinda pussy to drink it.

---

Nick the Greek: Just get me a sample.
Tom: No can do.
Nick the Greek: What’s that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.

---

Tom: Look, it’s all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek: It’s what?
Tom: It’s kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek: The Jews don’t celebrate Christmas, Tom.

---

Big Chris: It’s been emotional.

---

Tom: There’s no money, there’s no weed. It’s all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

---

Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I’ll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I’ll kill ya. If you forget anything I’ll kill ya. In fact, you’re gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I’ve said? Because if you don’t, I’ll kill ya.

---

Rory Breaker: Your stupidity must be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek: Uh?
Rory Breaker: Don’t “uh” me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt’s joke that black cunts don’t get? Cause’ Im not fucking laughing Ni-ko-las!
Nick the Greek: [shrugs nervously]
Rory Breaker: I know you couldn’t have known my position, cause’ you’re not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn’t have turned up here scratching your arse with that “what’s going on here” look slapped all over your chevy chase! But what you do know is where these people live.
[rises from his chair and walks towards Nick]
Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I’ll kill ya. If you bend the truth, or I think you’re bending the truth, I’ll kill ya. If you forget anything, I’ll kill ya. In fact, you’re gonna have to work very hard to stay alive Nick. Now, do you understand everything I’ve just said? Cause’ if you don’t, I’ll kill ya! Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.
Nick the Greek: [nods nervously]

---

“Hatchet” Harry: I don’t want to know who you use, as long as they’re not complete muppets.

---

Soap: A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it’s turning into a bad day in Bosnia.

---

Winston: Charles, get the rifle out. We’re being fucked.

---

Soap: OY! Keep your fingers out of my soup!

---

Barry the Baptist: If you don’t want to be counting the fingers you haven’t got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick!

---

Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.

---

Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja here, and you’re carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don’t look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.

---

Winston: Charles,why have we got that cage?
Charles: Uh,security.
Winston: That’s right, that’s right security. So what’s the point in having it if we’re not goin’ fucking use it?
Charles: Well I would’ve used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.
Winston: Yes but you didn’t know it was Willie until you opened the door did you?
Willie: Chill Winston, it’s me. Charlie knows it’s me. What’s the problem?
Winston: The problem is Willie is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked! What is that?
Willie: That’s Gloria.
Winston: Yes I know that’s Gloria, what’s that?
Willie: Fertilizer.
Winston: You went out six hours to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a back of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing Willie.
Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.
Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money’s got to be out by Thursday, I’m buggered if I’m gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer could be a bit more subtle.
Willie: What do you mean?
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah. And you’re carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don’t look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That’s what I mean Willie.

---

Plank: Ah! They fucking shot me!
Dog: Well, fucking shoot ‘em back!

---

John: Jesus, Plank, couldn’t you have got smokeless cartridges? I can’t see a bloody thi – Ah! Shit! I’ve been shot!
Dog: I don’t fucking believe this! Can everyone stop gettin’ shot?

---

Little Chris: Fuckin’ hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?
Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again son, you’ll wish you hadn’t!

---

Big Chris: All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on.

---

[Discussing their careers as marijuana growers]
J: I’ve a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
Charles: Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.

---

Tom: Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we’re selling. It’s not worth him giving us any trouble cause he kows we’ll be a pain in the arse.
Soap: I’d take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
Tom: You’d take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Eddie: Will you two stop flirting for a minute?

---

Soap: Where the fuck are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Eddie: Where did they get those outfits?
Tom, Bacon: Not a bad idea, that.

---

Dean: He’s got the guns. Go ahead. You get them.
Gary: Why me?
Dean: You’re supposed to be the hard case.
Gary: [shrieks] You get the guns. I drive the car!

---

Soap: Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
Tom: That would be the same man, yes.

---

Soap: You’re not funny, Tom. You’re fat, and look as though you should be, but you’re not.

---

[haggling with Tom]
Nick the Greek: What else does it come with?
Tom: It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.

---

Nick the Greek: Dunno. Seems expensive.
Tom: Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you’re lucky enough to find one in. And you’re haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? “It’s a deal, it’s a steal, it’s the Sale of the fucking Century!” In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I’ll keep it!
Nick the Greek: All right all right, keep your Alans on!
[Peels off notes from his wad]
Nick the Greek: Here’s a ton.
Tom, Eddie: Jesus Christ!
Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you’re haggling over one hundred pound? What’re you doing when you’re not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek: 100 pound is still 100 pound.
Tom: Not when the price is 200 pound it ain’t! And certainly not when you’ve got Liberia’s deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck’s butt you are. Now, lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.

---

Tom: It’s a deal. It’s a steal. It’s sale of the fucking century! Actually, fuck it, Nick, I think I’ll keep it.

---

[after shooting each other]
Gary: What the fuck are you doing here?
Barry: What the FUCK are YOU doing here?

---

Barry the Baptist: Lock, stock, the fuckin’ lot.

---

Bacon: Right. Let’s sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don’t, because if you can’t see value here today, you’re not up here shopping. You’re up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c’mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It’s as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don’t think because these boxes are sealed up, they’re empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I’d make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie: Did you say ten pound?
Bacon: Are you deaf?
Eddie: That’s a bargain. I’ll take one.
Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That’s it. They’re waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else’s wife. It’s a lot more fun if you don’t get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It’s no good standing out there like one o’clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven’t been paid for, and we can’t get them again. They’ve changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It’s no good coming back later when I’ve sold out. “Too late, too late” will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you’ll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie: Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon: Shit.

---

Eddie: Can we lock up and get drunk now?

---

Rory Breaker: What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
Winston: Look, we grow weed. We’re not mercenaries.
Rory Breaker: You don’t say.

---

Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin’ them a bit of a kickin’, I’m sure it won’t do any harm.
Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don’t make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit ‘em right up. Makes it look like we’re serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon: I’m not sure what’s more worrying. The job or your past.

---

Barry the Baptist: Fucking northern monkeys!
Lenny: I hate these fucking southern fairies!

---

“Hatchet” Harry: You must be Eddie, J.D.’s son.
Eddie: Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn’t know your father.
“Hatchet” Harry: Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.

---

Eddie: Soap, don’t be such a mincer.

---

Rory Breaker: Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don’t get? ‘Cause I’m not fucking laughing Nicholas.

---

Rory Breaker: Get Nick, that greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, if he’s stupid enough to still be on this planet.

---

Bacon: Harry didn’t think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe.

---

Rory Breaker: Your stupidity may be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek: Uuugh?
Rory Breaker: Don’t “uuugh” me, Greek boy!

---

Soap: Can we lock up and get drunk now?

---

Barfly Jack: He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub.

---

Tom: Rory Breaker?
Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He’s not to be underestimated, you’ve got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing – it’s all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory’s Roger iron’s rusted, so he’s gone to the local battle-cruiser to catch the end of his footer. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat man’s north opens and he wanders over and turns the Liza over. ‘Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.’ Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn’t want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. ‘That’s fucking it,’ says the guy. ‘That’s fucking what’ says Rory. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he then flicks a flaming match into his bird’s nest and the man’s lit up like a leaky gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team’s won too. Four-nil.

---

Barry the Baptist: When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.

---

Eddie: The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I’m going to war without one, mate, you’re mistaken.

---

Gary: So who’s the gov’? Who we doing this for?
Barry the Baptist: You’re doing it for me, that’s all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
Gary: I see. One of them “on a need to know basis” things is it. Like one of them James Bond films.
Barry the Baptist: Careful. Remember who’s giving you this job.

---

Tom: Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er… I dunno, “does what no other dildo can do until now”, latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie’s Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn’t get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!

---

Rory Breaker: Is that so, mister botanical?

---

Big Chris: I’ve got some bad news for you, John.
John: What the fuck?
[Chris closes tanning parlor on John]
Big Chris: Mind your language in front of the boy!
John: Jesus Christ!
[Chris does it again]
Big Chris: That includes blasphemy as well!

---

Soap: A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.

---

Don: I’ll fold.
Phil: Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school?
Don: No, I also learned the word cunt!

---

Bacon: What’s that?
Samoan Joe’s Barman: It’s a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
Bacon: No. I asked for a refreshing drink! I didn’t expect a fucking rainforest? I could fall in love with an orangutan in that! Bring me a pint.
Samoan Joe’s Barman: You want a pint, you go to the pub.
Bacon: This is a pub!
Samoan Joes Barman: It’s a Samoan pub.

---

Eddie: Twenty grand, open.
“Hatchet” Harry: Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie.
Eddie: Fifty grand.
“Hatchet” Harry: Eighty grand.
Eddie: One hundred grand.
Player: Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know…
“Hatchet” Harry: I know you’re not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know.

---

JD: I do know your reputation. So I choose my words very carefully. You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Big Chris: Now… I’ll put that on a shock. Only once.

---

Tom: They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at.

---

Dog: What the fuck is that?
Mickey: It’s me bren gun.
Dog: Couldn’t you have thought of something more practical?

---

Barry the Baptist: Hello son, would you like a lolly?
Little Chris: Piss off, you nonce!

---

Barry the Baptist: [Barry is trying to stop his computer switching off] Come on! Not now, please, not –
[computer goes off]
Barry the Baptist: Oh, you fucking bastard.

---

Paul: Come take a look at this.
Traffic Warden: Take a look at what, exactly?
Paul: Well, the van’s half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it,
[knocks him out]
Paul: and I’m off.

---

Tom: [after having just robbed Dog and his crew] Jesus, that wasn’t too bad, was it?
Soap: When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I’ll let you know.
Eddie: Bacon, see what we’ve got.
Bacon: Let’s have a butcher’s, eh?
[as he inspects their loot]
Bacon: We’ve hit the jackpot, lads! We’ve got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash… and a traffic warden.
Tom: What?
[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]
Tom: Jesus, Ed, we’ve got a traffic warden!
Bacon: I think he’s still alive – he’s got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
Eddie: I don’t know, but I don’t think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon: Knock him out? What’d ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie: I don’t know! Use your imagination!
[Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain]
Tom: Don’t touch him up! Knock him out!
Bacon: I’ll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? You knock him out.
Eddie: I fucking hate traffic wardens.
[after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless]

---

Dog: I’ll find you… I’ll find you.
Bacon: ‘Course you will sweetheart!
[Ties Dog’s hands behind him]
Dog: I’ll find you.
Bacon: What d’you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?

---

“Hatchet” Harry: It’s about time you paid our young friends a visit, Chris. Today’s the day and mum’s the word, and I can’t have that, can I?
Big Chris: No, ‘Arry, you can’t.
“Hatchet” Harry: I mean, it’s a liberty. And I can’t have liberties taken, can I, Barry?
Barry the Baptist: No, ‘Arry, you can’t.
“Hatchet” Harry: I mean, it’s enough to give me the arsehole. And I can’t have the arsehole, can I, boys?
Big Chris, Barry the Baptist: No, ‘Arry, you can’t.

---

Eddie: That’s quite a raise. That’s 150 on my 100.
“Hatchet” Harry: Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say?

---

“Hatchet” Harry: Don’t go spending it all at once, boy.

---

“Hatchet” Harry: Back to you, already-Eddie.

---

Eddie: As you know this puts us in awkward position… I don’t have enough to continue.

---

Big Chris: [Big Chris has just explained that Eddie is in debt with Hatchet Harry] I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, a good father.
JD: Go on.
Big Chris: He likes your bar.
JD: Yes?
Big Chris: He wants your bar.
JD: And?
Big Chris: Do you want me to draw you a picture?

---

Gary: I’ve just spent 120 quid on me hair. If you think I’m puttin a stockin over me head you’re very much mistaken.

---

Dean: [after seeing Gary holding a candle under the house owner’s feet] Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doin?
Gary: I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
Dean: You twat! Can’t you see these people have got no money? They can’t even afford new furniture! We’ve got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people’s feet, whats wrong with you?

---

Barry the Baptist: [answering his phone] What?
Dean: I thought you said there’d be no staff Barry!
Barry the Baptist: Did you get those guns?
Dean: You wanna see what they did to poor Gary?
[calling out to a delirious Gary]
Dean: Gary? Gary?
Barry the Baptist: I said, did you get those guns?
Dean: YES, WE GOT THEM!
Barry the Baptist: Good, I’ll speak to you later
[hangs up the phone]
Dean: Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now mate okay?
[turning his attention back to Barry]
Dean: Barry? Barry? Fucking sodding shandy-drinking bastard!

Great bits from the movie Enchanted as well-some of the dialogue just was lovely..

Giselle: Nobody has been very nice to me.
Robert: Yeah, well, welcome to New York.
Giselle: Thank you.

---

Prince Edward: Giselle!
[leaps off a bridge, begins to sing]
Prince Edward: I’ve been dreaming of a…
[a group of cyclists collide with Prince Edward, everyone collapses]

---

Prince Edward: [talking to a TV] Magic Mirror. I beg you. Tell me where she is!
Mary Ilene Caselotti: [on TV] Reporting from 116th and Broadway.
Prince Edward: One hundred and sixteenth and Broadway!
[hugs the TV]
Prince Edward: Thank you mirror!
[kisses it and runs off]

---

Giselle: [singing] How does she know…
Robert: Awe, no, no, no.
Giselle: She loves you? / How does she know…
Robert: People l-look-looking.
Giselle: She’s yours?
Robert: [interrupting] Don’t sing. It’s OK, you know. Let’s just walk. Can we walk?
Giselle: [speaks] Well, does she?
Robert: Yeah.

---

[from trailer]
Prince Edward: [threatening Robert with his sword] Have you any last words before I dispatch you?
Robert: You have got to be kidding me!
Prince Edward: Strange words!

---

Prince Edward: [holds sword in front of construction worker’s neck, trying to find Giselle] I seek a beautiful girl. My life partner, my one coquette, the answer to my love’s duet.
Arty: [stuttering] I-I’d like to find one of them too, you know?

---

Prince Edward: Nathaniel likes the way I leap?

---

Prince Edward: I’m handsome even when I sleep?

---

Giselle: Is that the only word you know? “No?”
Robert: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, No!
Giselle: “No! No! No!” It’s always “No!” with you! When you keep saying “No!” it just makes me so… You… just make me so!... angry.
[laughs really hard]

---

Nathaniel: Sire, do you… like yourself?
Prince Edward: What’s not to like?

---

Morgan Philip: Remember not to put too much makeup or the boys may get the wrong idea. They are only after one thing.
Giselle: What’s that?
Morgan Philip: I don’t know. They won’t tell me.

---

[Giselle and the other people at Central Park all start singing]
Robert: How do you all know this song? I’ve never heard this song before!

---

Queen Narissa: [transforms into a dragon] Well, I’ll need a story for when I go back to Andalasia. How about “a huge monster appeared and killed everyone, and poor Queen Narissa barely escaped”. I think I’ll start with the girl who started it all!
Robert: [jumps in front of Giselle] Over my dead body!
Queen Narissa: [shrugs] Ok, I’m flexible.
[grabs Robert]

---

Queen Narissa: [Giselle climbs towards her] Oh look, here’s a twist! The brave princess is coming to the rescue.
[looks at Robert]
Queen Narissa: I guess that makes you the damsel in distress, huh, handsome?

---

Robert: [after Giselle has bitten the poisoned apple] Please, don’t leave me.

---

Robert: [singing to Giselle along with the bandleader at the ball] Now you’re beside me, and look how far we’ve come. So far, we are, so close.

---

Robert: Would you like me to call someone for you?
Giselle: I don’t think they would hear you from here.

---

[an angry midget walks under Giselle’s wedding dress]
Grumpy: Hey! Watch it, will ya?
Giselle: Grumpy!
Grumpy: Geez, lady, are you for real?
Giselle: I think so.

---

Robert: [struggling to break free of her grasp] You’re crazy!
Queen Narissa: No. Spiteful, vindictive, very large, but never crazy.

---

[Prince Edward is on top of a bus thinking it is a dragon]
Prince Edward: You’ve met your match, you foul bellowing beast!
[Edward stabs the bus and every passenger is in shock]
Bus Driver: Everybody stay on the bus.
Prince Edward: Giselle? My love?
Pip in New York: Giselle?
Prince Edward: The steel beast is dead peasants! I’ve set you all free!
Bus Driver: [gets off the bus and yells at Edward] Are you crazy? Nobody stabs my bus! I’ll tear you apart! Do you hear me? You get down here right now!
Nathaniel: Madam, allow me…
Prince Edward: Nathaniel, old friend.
Nathaniel: Sire, may I suggest that you, uh…
Bus Driver: You? A friend a’ his? Crazy tight-wearin’... Are you tryin’ to mess up my brow?
[Pip jumps onto her head and mimics her]
Bus Driver: I’ll tear you both apart! Don’t you roll your eyes at me, you…
[Nathaniel points to Pip and the bus driver looks up]
Bus Driver: A RAT! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
Prince Edward: Well, strictly speaking, he’s a chipmunk.
Nathaniel: Sire, may I suggest we seek elsewhere for your bride?

---

Nathaniel: [talking on the phone while in a taxi cab] I’ve always treated her like a queen, but lately, I’m starting to feel a little on the side to her. Like I don’t even know her anymore.
Radio Therapist: [over the radio] I think you need to take her aside and find out how she really feels about you.
Queen Narissa: [peeks in through open taxi cab window] Hello, Worthless. Miss me?

---

[Prince Edward knocks on a random door in Robert’s apartment building, trying to find Giselle]
Tired Mom Surrounded by Kids: [taking in Edward’s “Prince Charming” getup] ... You’re too late.
Prince Edward: [stricken] I’m so sorry.

---

[Nathaniel arrives in New York]
Arty: Let me guess. You’re looking for a beautiful girl, too?
Nathaniel: No, actually, I’m looking for a prince.

---

Pip in Andalasia: [realizing how round his frame is] Whoa, I gotta lay off da nuts!

---

Giselle: What are you staring at?
Robert: Nothing. It’s just that… it’s like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.
Giselle: Is that a bad thing?

---

[after seeing Giselle being reawakened by true love’s kiss]
Ballroom Lady #1: Wasn’t that lovely?
Ballroom Lady #2: I agree. So much better than last year’s show.

---

Prince Edward: Thank you for looking after my bride, peasants.

---

Prince Edward: Go ahead, Pip. What is it you want to say?
[Pip clears his throat and squeaks and points to Nathaniel, trying to tell Edward that Nathaniel is a traitor]
Prince Edward: Nathaniel?
Pip in New York: [squeaking] Uh-huh. Nathaniel.
Prince Edward: Nathaniel’s glad to have me near.
Pip in New York: [squeaking] No-no-no-no-no!
[imitates Nathaniel and then scurries to a soda cup indicating that he saw Nathaniel talking to Narissa in a boiling pot and made three apples appear]
Pip in New York: Broop, broop, broop.
[takes a piece of ice as if it were an apple. Imitates Nathaniel again then imitates Giselle singing “True Love’s Kiss”]
Prince Edward: Oh, I know this one.
Pip in New York: [as Nathaniel] Apple?
[as Giselle]
Pip in New York: No, thank you.
[as Nathaniel]
Pip in New York: It’s good.
[as Giselle]
Pip in New York: Oh, okay.
[crunches on the ice and imitates death and then strikes a “tada” pose and waits for Edward’s interpretation]
Prince Edward: You feel you’d die without me near.

---

[Prince Edward and Nancy are about to marry when Nancy’s cell phone suddenly goes off]
Nancy Tremaine: Oops. I’m so sorry. Wow! You’ve got great reception here.

---

Giselle: Goodness, we sure has a lot of excitement tonight. Were you scared?
Morgan Philip: A little bit, but do you think Pip will be ok?
Giselle: Oh, well, I wouldn’t worry about Pip. He is very brave.
[cut to Morgan’s bedroom]
Giselle: I remember this one time, when the poor wolf was being chased around by Little Red Riding Hood around his grandmother’s house, and she had an axe… oh, and if Pip hadn’t been walking by to help I don’t know what would’ve happened!
Morgan Philip: I don’t really remember that version.
Giselle: Well, that’s because Red tells it a little differently.

---

Morgan Philip: The pizza is breathing!

---

[tries to stop Nancy from leaving]
Robert: What… what about the grown-up girl bonding time with you and Morgan? About you bringing her to school.
Nancy Tremaine: So that you can have your own grown-up girl bonding time? I don’t think so!

---

Giselle: Is this a habit of yours? Falling off of stuff?
Robert: Only when you’re there to catch me.

---

Prince Edward: Once we return to Andalasia, Narissa, I will tell the entire kingdom of what you’ve done and will overthrow you!
Queen Narissa: Take away my thrown? Edward, aren’t you being a little too melodramatic.
Prince Edward: I don’t know what “melodramatic” means… but I’ll do it.

---

[Prince Edward knocks on a random door in Robert’s apartment building, trying to find Giselle]
Pregnant Woman with Kids: [taking in Edward’s “Prince Charming” getup] ... You’re too late.
Prince Edward: [stricken] My apologies.

---

Prince Edward: Fear not, Giselle! I will rescue you!
Pip in Andalasia: Yeah, but who’s gonna rescue MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
-anonymous

I don’t give a rat’s tutu about your emotional distress.
-Judge Judy Sheindlin

Ray (Ray Romano): Even if I was dumb, is that any reason to hate me?
Robert (Brad Garrett): Of course not. There are so many better reasons.
-Everybody Loves Raymond

Winston Churchill (while campaigning): So I hope you vote for me.
Heckler: Vote for you? Why, I’d rather vote for the devil!
Churchill: I understand. But in case your friend isn’t running, may I count on your support?

for example I just watched an anime called My Neighbor Totoro and throughout the movie there were various scenes which just made me laugh.

I was thinking about it after, and I find that’s how I respond to alot of movies. Not the sad, depressing or truly serious ones, but if there is a lighter element-I find it.

My sister once commented on it, that I still watch movies like a child does-and she loved that I would respond to it in such an innocent way. I think it’s one of the nicest things she’s ever told me!

Movies are a wonderful escape at times, like books.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, it changed.

People in Washington say it’s not the initial offense that gets you in trouble, it’s the cover-up. They say you should admit what you did, get the story out and move on. What this overlooks is the fact that most of the time the cover-up works just fine, and nobody finds out a thing. I would imagine that’s the rule rather than the exception. My advice: Take a chance. Lie.

You know what would have been a smart thing to do in these developing countries that need electricity? To have tried large-scale experiments with alternative energy sources: solar, wind, geothermal, etc. We could have tested and tried to perfect these technologies on a large scale in places that need it. That would have been smart. That’s why we didn’t do it.

TRUE FACT: I saw a guy on the street wearing a T-shirt that said “Couples for Christ.” But he was alone. And I wondered, What would Jesus think?

What’s going on with these people who tell you to “have a safe trip”? I would never tell a person that. Because if they died it would feel really creepy.

REASONS FOR GIVING UP HOPE: Nothing works, nothing counts, nothing fits, no one cares, no one listens, standards have fallen, everyone’s fatter, lines are longer, traffic’s worse, kids are dumber, and the air is dirty. I’ll be back later with more reasons for giving up hope. In the meantime, try to come up with a few on your own.

---

When I think of the number of disagreeable people that I know who have gone to a better world, I am sure Hell won’t be so bad after all. -writer Mark Twain

Check out the extras on the dvd-they’re very much worth it. I loved the part where the two black hitmen are talking and they say “now most folks won’t get this, but the black ones will. At the end of the movie, we’re still alive!” Priceless.

====================

Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you’ve got your parties mangled up. There’s no pussy here, just a dose that’ll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you’ve got “Replica” written down the side of your gun…
[Zoom in on the side of Sol’s gun, which indeed has “REPLICA” etched on the side; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at the sides of their guns]
Bullet Tooth Tony: And the fact that I’ve got “Desert Eagle point five O”...
[Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Written down the side of mine…
[They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has “DESERT EAGLE .50” etched on the side]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now… Fuck off!

---

Avi: Should I call you Bullet? Tooth?
Bullet Tooth Tony: You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.

---

Bullet Tooth Tony: You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.

---

Brick Top: Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me.

---

Avi: Tony.
Bullet Tooth Tony: What?
Avi: Look in the dog.
Bullet Tooth Tony: What do you mean?
Avi: I mean open him up.
Bullet Tooth Tony: It’s not as if it’s a tin of baked beans! What do you mean “open him up”?

---

Turkish: Fuck me, hold tight. What’s that?
Tommy: It’s me belt, Turkish.
Turkish: No, Tommy. There’s a gun in your trousers. What’s a gun doing in your trousers?
Tommy: It’s for protection.
Turkish: Protection from what? “Zee Germans”?

---

Brick Top: In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary… come again?

---

Turkish: You take sugar?
Brick Top: No thank you, Turkish; I’m sweet enough.

---

Turkish: Well, do you want to do it?
Mickey: That depends.
Turkish: On what?
Mickey: On you buying this caravan. Not the rouge one, the rose.
Turkish: It’s not the same caravan.
Mickey: It’s not the same fight.
Turkish: It’s twice the fucking size of the last one.
Mickey: Turkish, the fight is twice the size. And me ma still needs a caravan. I like to look after me ma. It’s a fair deal. Take it.
Turkish: Mickey, you’re lucky we aren’t worm food after your last performance. Buying a tart’s mobile palace is a little fucking rich.
[Realizes his mistake]
Turkish: I wasn’t calling your mum a tart. I just meant…
Mickey: Ah, save your breath for cooling your porridge. Now, look…
[starts talking incoherently]
Mickey: Right. And she’s terribly partial to the periwinkle blue, boss. Have I made myself clear, lads?
Turkish: Yeah, that’s perfectly clear, Mickey. Just give me one minute to confer with my colleague.
[to Tommy]
Turkish: Did you understand a single word of what he just said?

---

Avi: I’m gettin’ heartburn. Tony, do something terrible.

---

Mickey: I bet ya can box a little, can’t ya sir? Aye, you look like a boxer.

---

Bullet Tooth Tony: Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?
Avi: Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?
Bullet Tooth Tony: ‘Cause he dodges bullets, Avi.

---

Avi: You got a toothbrush? We’re going to London. Do you hear that, Doug? I’m coming to London.
[Avi arrives in London]
Doug the Head: Avi!
Avi: Sit down and shut up, you big, bald fuck. I don’t like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don’t like leaving it for anything less then warm sandy beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats.
Doug the Head: We’ve got sandy beaches…
Avi: So? Who the fuck wants to see ‘em? I hope you appreciate the concern I have for my friend Franky, Doug. I’m gonna find him, and you’re gonna help me find him, and we’re gonna start at that fight.

---

Avi: Eighty-six carats.
Rosebud: Where?
Avi: London.
Rosebud: London?
Avi: London.
Avi’s Colleague: London?
Avi: Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup ‘o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins… LONDON.

---

Turkish: You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy and I’ll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.

---

Vinny: Why are we stopped here? What’s wrong with that spot?
Tyrone: It’s too tight.
Vinny: Too tight? You could land a jumbo fucking jet in that.

---

Vinny: I thought you said he was a getaway driver. What the fuck can he get away from?

---

Brick Top: Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.

---

Tommy: Who took the jam outta your doughnut?
Turkish: You took the fucking jam outta my doughnut, Tommy. You did.

---

Brick Top: I don’t care if he’s Muhammad I’m hard Bruce Lee. You can’t change fighters.

---

[Tyrone just backed into Franky Four Fingers’ van]
Tyrone: I didn’t see it there.
Vinny: It’s a four ton truck, Tyrone. Its not as if it’s a bag of fucking peanuts, is it?
Tyrone: It was a funny angle.
[All three turn and look back at the truck]
Vinny: It’s behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.

---

Turkish: What’s happening with them sausages, Charlie?
Sausage Charlie: Five minutes, Turkish.
Turkish: It was two minutes five minutes ago.

---

Turkish: I fail to recognize the correlation between “losing 10K”, “hospitalizing gorgeous” and “a good deal”.

---

Turkish: [looks at the caravan] Look at it. How am I suppose to run this thing from that? We’ll need a proper office. I want a new one, Tommy. You’re going to buy it for me.
Tommy: Why me?
Turkish: Well, you know about caravans.
Tommy: How’s that?
Turkish: You spent a summer in one, which means you know more than me. And I don’t want to have my pants pulled down over the price.
Tommy: What’s wrong with this one?
Turkish: [Pulls the caravan’s door from its hinges] Oh, nothing, Tommy. It’s tiptop. I’m just not sure about the colour.

---

Brick Top: Gimme that fucking shooter!
Pikey: I’ll give you your shooter ya cunt ya!
[Blam Blam]

---

Policeman: So, what you doin here?
Turkish: I’m taking the dog for a walk. What’s the problem?
Policeman: What’s in the car?
Turkish: Seats and a steering wheel.

---

Mickey: Good dags. D’ya like dags?
Tommy: Dags?
Mickey: What?
Mrs. O’Neil: Yeah, dags.
Tommy: Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.

---

Tyrone: I don’t want that dog dribbling on my seats.
Vinny: Your seats? Tyrone, this is a stolen car, mate.

---

Turkish: I’m sorry, Mickey.
Mickey: Did ya do it? Then why are ya sorry?

---

[Pricing a diamond for Bad Boy Lincoln]
Sol: No, it’s a moissanite.
Bad Boy Lincoln: A what-a-nite?
Sol: A moissanite is an artificial diamond, Lincoln. It’s Mickey Mouse, man. Spurious. Not genuine. And it’s worth… Fuck-all.

---

Bullet Tooth Tony: I want to know who blagged Brick-Top’s bookies.
Mullet: Do me a favor, Ton!
Bullet Tooth Tony: I will do you a favor, Mullet. I’ll not get out of this car and bash the living fuck out of you in front of all your girlfriends.
[Mullet hunkers down to the car window]
Mullet: Got to make it worth my while, mate. Jesus, Tony, you know that…
[Tony seizes his tie and rolls up the window, wedging Mullet’s head in it]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Comfortable, Mullet? It seems sadly ironic that it’s that tie that’s got you into this pickle. Now you just take all the time you want.
[He starts the car forward]
Mullet: What the fuck are you doing, Ton?
Bullet Tooth Tony: I’m driving down the street with your head stuck in my window. What do you think I’m doing, you pen-ass?
Mullet: Slow down, Ton.
Bullet Tooth Tony: [sniffs] You been using dogshit for toothpaste, Mullet?
Mullet: Slow down, Ton! Slow down, Tony!
Bullet Tooth Tony: I don’t think I’ll slow down. I think I’ll speed up. You can play some music if you like.
[He turns on the radio; Madonna’s “Lucky Star” is playing]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Oh, I love this track.
Mullet: I think…
Bullet Tooth Tony: Yes, Mullet?
Mullet: I think it’s two black guys, in a pawn shop on Smith street.
Bullet Tooth Tony: You better not be telling me porky pies.
Mullet: I’m fucking telling you, it’s two black guys who work off a pawn shop in fucking Smith Street!
Avi: That’s very effective, Tony. It’s not too subtle, but effective.
[Tony accelerates and turns toward Smith Street]
Avi: Are we taking him with us?
[Tony rolls down the window, releasing Mullet’s head and dumping him on the roadside]

---

Turkish: I can’t make him fight, can I?
Brick Top: You’re not much use to me alive are you, Turkish?

---

Errol: Fuckface, who’s speaking to you? He asked him, didn’t he?
Turkish: Fuckface… I like that one Errol. I’ll have to remember that one next time I’m climbing off yer mum.

---

Turkish: Well the rabbit gets fucked.
Tommy: [pauses] Proper fucked?
Turkish: Yes, before “Zee Germans” get there.

---

Mickey: Ya got a good kick fer a fat fella.
Gorgeous George: You better stay down.
[throws Mickey into a wooden fence]

---

Turkish: [voice over] Boris the Blade, or Boris “the Bullet Dodger.” As bent as the Soviet’s sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it. Apparently, it’s impossible to kill the bastard.

---

[Doug sees four Jewish kids smoking]
Doug the Head: What are you doing?
Jewish Boy: [spits] It’s a free country, isn’t it?
Doug the Head: Well it’s not a free shop, is it? So fuck off!

---

Mickey: The deal was you bought it like you saw it. Hey, look, I’ve helped you as much as I’m going to help you. See that car? Just use it for you’re not welcome anymore. You should fuck off now while you still got the legs to carry you.
Gorgeous George: Nobody…
Mickey: Nobody brings a fella the size of you unless they’re trying to say something without talking, right boy?
Tommy: Sorry, Mickey. Just give our money back and you can keep the caravan.
Mickey: Why the fuck do I want a caravan that’s got no fucking wheels?
[Gorgeous rushes Mickey]
Mickey: You want to settle this with a fight?
Mrs. O’Neil: Over my dead body! Now, go on! Go on! I’ll not have you fighting! You know what happens when you fight.
Mickey: Get her to sit down. For fuck’s sake! Want the money? I ain’t fucked you. I’ll fight you for it. You and me.

---

[after hearing about Bullet-Tooth Tony surviving after being shot six times]
Cousin Avi: Six times?
Doug the Head: In one sitting.

---

Alex Denovitz: What about Tony?
[Cut back and forth between Doug’s office and a younger Tony in Charlie’s brothel]
Alex Denovitz: You know, Bullet Tooth Tony.
Avi: Who’s Bullet Tooth…?
Charlie: Tony!
Bullet Tooth Tony: You silly fuck.
Doug the Head: He’s a liability.
Alex Denovitz: He’ll find you Moses and the burning bush, if you pay him to.
Charlie: [draws a gun] You are gonna die, Tony!
Alex Denovitz: He got shot six times, had the bullets molded into gold.
[Charlie shoots Tony twice in the chest]
Charlie: I shoot you, you go down!
Susi Denovitz: He’s got two in his teeth that Dad did for him. So he loves Dad.
[Charlie shoots Tony three more times]
Charlie: Why don’t you fucking die!
Susi Denovitz: He’s the best chance you got of finding Franky.
Avi: Six times?
[Charlie shoots Tony in the mouth]
Doug the Head: In one sitting.
[Tony, blood dripping from his mouth, draws a saber]
Bullet Tooth Tony: You’re in trouble now!

---

Mickey: I’ll bet you for it.
Tommy: You’ll what?
Pikeys: HE’LL BET YOU FOR IT!
Turkish: What, like Tommy did last time? Do me a favour?
Mickey: I’ll do you a favour. You have first bet. If I win, I get a caravan… and the boys get a pair of them shoes.
[the Pikeys laugh at Turkish and Tommy, who are wearing plastic bags around their shoes]
Mickey: If I lose… Oh fuck it, I’ll do the fight for free.
Turkish: [narrating] Now the last thing I really wanna do is bet a pikey.

---

Turkish: That six pound piece of shit stuck in your trousers would do more damage if you fed it to him.

---

Brick Top: You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.

---

Brick Top: You’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
Brick Top: And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

---

Bullet Tooth Tony: I’m driving down the road with your head stuck in my window. What does it look like I’m doin’?

---

Sol: You ain’t from this planet are you, Vincent? Who is gonna mug two black fellas, holding pistols, sat in a car that is worth less than your shirt?

---

Turkish: [Narrating] This is Tommy. He tells people he’s named after a gun, but I know he’s named after a famous 19th century ballet dancer.

---

Brick Top: [referring to Tommy] Turkish, put a lid on him.

---

Turkish: [Tommy has a gun in his trousers] what’s to stop it blowing your bollocks off every time you sit down?

---

Tommy: Are you sayin’ I can’t shoot?
Turkish: No Tommy, I’m not saying you can’t shoot. I know you can’t shoot. I’m saying that six-pound piece of shit stuck in your trousers would do more damage if you fed it to him.

---

Turkish: Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car’s nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn’t flash before you, ‘cause you’re too fuckin’ scared to think – you just freeze and pull a stupid face. But the pikey didn’t. Why? Because he had plans of running the car over.

---

Turkish: Not many people are named after plane crashes

---

Sol: What the fuck is that?
Vinny: Heh heh. This is a shotgun, Sol.
Sol: It’s a fucking anti-aircraft gun, Vincent.
Vinny: Well I wanna raise some pulses, don’t I?
Sol: You’ll raise Hell. Never mind pulses.

---

[after cleaning out Turkish’s Safe]
Brick Top: He’s been a busy little bastard, that Turkish.
Errol: I think you’ve let him get away with enough already, Guv’nor.
Brick Top: It’ll get you in a lot of trouble thinking, Errol. If I were you, I wouldn’t do too much of it.

---

Vinny: Bad Boy, I keep telling you: ‘Stick to being a gangster.’ Leave this business to me ‘n Sol.

---

[while robbing the bookies]
Sol: Are you all right there Vincent?
Vinny: I would be if you stopped using my name.

---

Rosebud: Get me to a doctor. Shoot that fuck. Then get me to a doctor.
Cousin Avi: Well get you to a nice Jewish doctor Ross. Find my friend a nice Jewish doctor.

---

[Avi, Tony, and Rosebud watch Boris on the video monitor]
Bullet Tooth Tony: This guy’s a handful.
Rosebud: I hate Russians. I’ll take care of him.
Bullet Tooth Tony: He’s all yours, Rosebud me old son.
Rosebud: Not a problem.
[Cut to a few minutes later, inside Tony’s Jaguar. All three of them are bruised, bloody, and shouting, but Rosebud is seriously hurt]
Rosebud: You gotta get me to a doctor! Shoot that fuck, then get me to a doctor!
Avi: Yeah, yeah, but first the stone, Rosie. First the stone and then I’m gonna get you to a doctor, and not just any doctor, boychik, I’m gonna find you a nice Jewish doctor.
[at Tony]
Avi: Find my friend a nice Jewish doctor!

---

[Tony empties his gun through the wall, hitting both Boris and Tyrone. He comes in, reloading]
Bullet Tooth Tony: What’s Boris doing here? Boris, what are you doing here?
Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: Fuck you!
[Tony shoots him twice, then turns to Tyrone]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Where’s the case?
Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: Uhhh, you piece of crap…
Bullet Tooth Tony: Don’t take the piss, Boris.
Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: [reaching for his gun] I show you…
[Tony shoots him four more times]
Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: Fuck you!
[a seventh time]
Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: Almost had it…
Bullet Tooth Tony: For fuck’s sake…
[Tony takes careful aim and fires an eighth shot. Sound of Boris finally collapsing]

---

[looking at the video of Sol and Vinny, trapped in the foyer of the bookie’s by the security door]
Brick Top: Do you know these tits, Errol?
Errol: I know a lot of tits, Guv’nor. But I don’t know any quite as fucking stupid as these two.
Brick Top: John?
John: I can’t help, Guv.
[Tyrone pokes his head in the door]
Errol: Ah, Tyrone.
Errol, John: You silly fat bastard.

---

Brick Top: Pull your tongue out of my arsehole, Gary. Dogs do that. You’re not a dog, are ya Gary?
Gary: No, no I’m not.
Brick Top: But you do have all the characteristics of a dog, Gary. All except loyalty.
[Errol zaps Gary]
Turkish: [Voice over] It’s rumored that Brick Top’s favorite means of dispatch involves a stun gun, a plastic bag, a roll of tape, and a pack of hungry pigs.
Brick Top: [to Errol’s companion] You’re a ruthless little cunt, Liam, I’ll give you that. But I got no time for grassers.
[John throws a plastic bag over Liam’s head and suffocates him]
Brick Top: Feed ‘em to the pigs, Errol.
[to the two boxers, who are now staring in horror]
Brick Top: What the fuck are you two looking at?

---

[Brick-Top’s men have Turkish pinned on the floor. Errol raises a sword to strike, then Tommy appears with his dud pistol]
Tommy: Turkish, get your arse up. Any of you lot follow me, and I’ll fucking shoot you.
Errol: Easy, old son. Calm down.
Tommy: I’m the one who’s got the gun, son. It’s you who I think ought to calm down.
[Errol takes a step forward. Tommy cocks the gun and sticks it right in his face]
Tommy: Go ahead. You want to see if I’ve got the minerals?
[Brick-Top’s men don’t move as Tommy backs out of the slot parlor, then runs after Turkish]

---

Bullet Tooth Tony: All right, Mullet?
[Mullet freezes, then swallows and turns around]
Mullet: How you doin’, Tony? You all right, mate?
Bullet Tooth Tony: Ooh, nice tie.
Mullet: I heard you weren’t about much these days, Tony.
Bullet Tooth Tony: What do you know? Still warm, the blood that courses through my veins. Unlike yours, Mullet.

---

Brick Top: What do you think, Errol?
Errol: I think we should drip-dry them, Guv’nor, while we have the chance.
Brick Top: It was a rhetorical question, Errol. What have I told you about thinking?

---

Cousin Avi: Who’s Bullet Tooth…
Chinese Guy: Tony.
Bullet Tooth Tony: You silly fuck.

---

Gorgeous George: This is going to get messy.

---

Gorgeous George: Get back down or you will not be coming up next time.
[watches as Mickey warms up]
Gorgeous George: Oh, bollocks to you. This is sick. I’m out of here.
Mickey: You’re not going anywhere, you thick lump.
[Pulls off his shirt]
Mickey: You stay until the job’s done.
[kisses his good luck charms and knocks Gorgeous out with a single punch]
Turkish: [narrating] It turned out that the sweet-talking, tattoo-sporting pikey was a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him harder than a coffin nail. Right now, that’s the last thing on Tommy’s mind. If Gorgeous doesn’t wake up in the next few minutes, Tommy knows he’ll be buried with him. Why would the gypsies go through the trouble of explaining why a man died in their campsite when they can bury the pair of them and just move camp? It’s not like they got social security numbers, is it? Tommy – the tit – is praying. And if he isn’t, he fucking should be.

---

Sol: He’s a natural, ain’t you Tyrone?
Tyrone: ‘course I am…
[reverses into parked van]
Vinny: A natural fucking idiot.

---

Turkish: It’s an unlicensed boxing match. It’s not a tickling competition. These lads are out to hurt each other.

---

Vinny: What the fuck do you mean, replicas?
Sol: They look the shit, don’t they? And nobody is gonna argue. And I’ve got some extra loud blanks, just in case.
Vinny: In… Oh, in case we have to deafen them to death?

---

Sol: I’m not in here to make a fucking bet.
Female Bookie: ‘Preciated, but all… bets… are… off. If all bets are off, then there can’t be any money can’t there?
Sol: I’m not fucking buying that.
Female Bookie: Well that’s handy, ‘cause I ain’t fucking selling it. It’s a fact.

---

Turkish: You aren’t exactly Mister Current Affairs are you, Tommy? “Mad Fist” went mad, and “The Gun,” shot himself.

---

Brick Top: [Into cell phone] Pete, talk to me.
Darren: [Into cell phone] If ya want yer friend to hear ya, you’ll have to talk a lot louder than that.

---

Tommy: What if Mickey knocks the other guy out?
Turkish: We get murdered before we leave the building, and I imagine we get fed to the pigs.
Tommy: Well, I’m glad to see you’re climbing the walls in fucking anxiety.

---

Turkish: Well, why didn’t you “bust a cap in his ass,” Tommy?

---

Bullet Tooth Tony: A bookie’s got blagged last night.
Avi: Blagged? Speak English to me, Tony. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.

---

Vinny: Now I don’t want to put a bullet in your face, but if you don’t give us exactly what we want, there will be fucking murder.
Bullet Tooth Tony: [to Tyrone] What’s your name?
Sol: Shoot him.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Ooh.

---

Franky Four Fingers: So the biblical scholars mis-translated the Hebrew word for “young woman” into the Greek word for “virgin,” which was a pretty easy mistake to make, since there is only a subtle difference in the spelling. But back then it was the “virgin” that caught people’s attention. It’s not every day a virgin conceives and bears a son. So you keep that for a couple of hundred years, and the next thing you know, you have the Roman Catholic church.

---

Doug the Head: Avi, I’m not telepathic.
Cousin Avi: Well you’re plenty fucking stupid, I’ll give you that. Do you know why they call him Franky “Four Fingers” Doug? Because he makes stupid bets with dangerous people, and when he doesn’t pay up, they give him te chop, Doug. And I’m not talking about his fucking fore-skin either.

---

Cousin Avi: Is there gambling involved?
Doug the Head: It’s a boxing match, Avi, a boxing match.
Cousin Avi: Did he have a case with him?
Doug the Head: Yes, he had a case.
Cousin Avi: And this schmuck is gambling? You’re talking about Franky “I’ve got a problem with gambling” fucking Four Fingers Doug.

---

[standing over Franky’s body]
Bad Boy Lincoln: What has he got a tea cozy on his head for?
Sol: [sarcastic] To keep his head warm.
Bad Boy Lincoln: Well, what’s the matter with him?
Vinny: He’s been shot in the face, Lincoln. I would’ve thought that was obvious.

---

Mickey: I’ll tell ya what. I’ll do it for a caravan.
Turkish: For what?
Pikeys: For a caravan.
Tommy: It was us who wanted a caravan.
[looking around]
Tommy: Anyway, what’s wrong with this one?
Mickey: It’s not for me. It’s for me ma.
Turkish: Your what?
Pikeys: His ma.

---

Sol: You are a bad-boy yardie, and bad-boy yardies are supposed to know how to get rid of bodies.
Bad Boy Lincoln: I create the bodies. I don’t erase the bodies.

---

Franky Four Fingers: I have stones to sell, fat to chew, and many different men to see about many different dogs, so if I am not rushing you…
Doug the Head: Slow down, Franky, my son. When in Rome…
Franky Four Fingers: I am not in Rome, Doug. I am in a rush.

---

Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: Give me the stone.
Vinny: [pointing] It’s in the case.
Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: What?
[takes out his earplugs]
Vinny: It’s in the case!
Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: You put the stone in the case? Then open the case and give me the stone.
Sol: The only man who knew the combination… you just shot.

---

Turkish: For ever action, there is a reaction. And a Pikey reaction… is quite a fucking thing.

---

[repeated line]
various characters: [regarding Boris The Blade] Sneaky fuckin’ Russian.

---

Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: You can keep the 10 grand, along with the body. But if I see you again – YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! – Well, look at him.

---

Errol: Looks like we’re in, guv’nor.
Brick Top: Goody gumdrops. Get us a cup of tea, would you, Errol?

---

Gorgeous George: It’s a camp site, a pikey campsite…
Tommy: Ten points.
Gorgeous George: What we doing here?
Tommy: We’re buying a caravan.
Gorgeous George: Off a pack of fuckin’ pikeys? What’s wrong with you? This will get messy.
Tommy: Well not if you’re here.
Gorgeous George: Oh, you bastard! I fuckin’ hate pikeys!

---

Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: [after killing Frankie] You fucking idiots. He could not know my name.

---

[repeated line]
Tommy, Gorgeous George, Bricktop’s Henchman: I fuckin’ hate Pikeys.

---

Tommy: The human body hasn’t got used to dairy products yet.
Turkish: Well fuck me Tommy. What have you been reading?

---

Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov: [referring to Tommy’s gun] Heavy is good, heavy is reliable. If it doesn’t work you can always hit them with it.

---

[from a deleted scene]
Errol: You’re a dead man, Tony! You hear me? A fucking dead man!
Brick Top: Oi! What’s going on in there?
Errol: He’s pissed in my fucking pocket!
Brick Top: Oh, shut up, Errol. Get back in your fucking pram. Tony, ain’t you house-trained?

---

[Gorgeous George has just been knocked out]
Tommy: We’ve lost Gorgeous George.
Brick Top: Shhh. You’re going to have to repeat that.
Tommy: We’ve lost Gorgeous George.
Brick Top: Well, where’d you lose him? He ain’t a set of fucking car keys, is he? And it ain’t as if he’s incon-fucking-spicuous now, is it?

---

Errol: Are you Turkish?
Turkish: Well I’m not fuckin’ Greek now, am I?

---

Vinny: Wow! That’s a great load off me mind. Now, if you wouldn’t mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course!

---

Turkish: All he’s gotta do is stay down.
[Mickey suddenly rises from the mat and knocks out Anderson with a single punch]
Turkish: Now we are fucked.

James W. Rodgers (1911-1960) murderer executed by a firing squad in Utah. Asked whether he had a final request: “Why, yes-a bullet-proof vest.”

Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) to his general in the field, George B. McClellan: “My dear McClellan: If you don’t want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully, A Lincoln”

W.C. Fields (1879-1946) on being asked whether he liked children: “Boiled or fried?”

The Duke of Windsor (Edward VIII of England)(1894-1972): “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -Ingrid Bergman

the last two are strange but I still like them..in a somewhat tragic sense I suppose…

“The rest is silence.” -final words of which the 17th century tragic hero Hamlet utters…

“Back to the silents” -Clark Gable