date SMARTER

I Love You, Nice to Meet You by Lori Gottlieb and Kevin Bleyer

pg. 271

Perhaps falling in love again is the socially acceptable version of mental illness—more crazy than just plain courageous. Because even once you stop falling, once you’re just there, love is confusing while it lasts and it may not last forever.
In the movies, most love stories end at the wedding, when the couple finally gets together. But in real life, love stories end when the couple finally breaks up. I have no idea how my next love story will begin or end.
And for now, I like it that way.

pg. 273

Love is never a sure thing. Love is a twenty-three hours of unsure things topped off by an hour of nakedness. And that’s on a good day.
So we wonder, is there such a thing as a happy ending? If something ends – especially if it’s something good – is that ever happy? Is that ever an occasion for celebration? How many times have you told yourself, Wow, that was the best sex I’ve ever had. Thank God it’s over!
Not many, we hope.
That’s the thing about love. It’s a gamble. It’s a one-in-a-million chance. So why do we do it? This time, it might work out. This time, it might not end. This time, we might find the happiest of all happy endings; one that doesn’t.
In the meantime, we’ve got our anecdates.

Here’s some interesting stuff from Leo E. Buscaglia(Ph.D.):

A study showed that these are the most essential qualities in primary relationships that help them continue to grow in love:

Communication
Affection
Compassion/Forgiveness
Honesty
Acceptance
Dependability
Sense of humor
Romance (Including sex)
Patience
Freedom

Qualities destructive to a loving, growing relationship (in order):
Lack of communication
Selfishness/Unforgiving
Dishonesty
Jealousy
Lack of trust
Perfectionism
Lack of flexibility (not open to changes)
Lack of understanding
Lack of respect
Apathy

Some quotes or advice:
Grow up together, constantly.
Expect to invest a great deal of time and energy in your relationships. Lasting relationships don’t just happen, they are created.
Take your time.
Don’t be afraid of giving. You can never give too much, if you’re giving willingly.
Realize that you always have choices. It’s up to you.
Don’t allow experience to harden your heart; rather use it to become more aware and sensitive.
Don’t lose touch with the craziness in you. This, with a large dose of caring, will assure that your relationship will never be boring.
Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You don’t have forever.
Don’t hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.
Keep the child in you alive and playing.
See people as good and beautiful, even when they seem to be trying hard not to appear so.
If you take time to talk together each day you’ll never become strangers.
Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty shoes.
Stop going through life in self pity, self-blame, and the “mea culpa” syndrome. We are not as bad as we think.
Learn to bend. It’s better than breaking.
Watch for little irritations, they grow into destructive monsters. Verbalize them at once.
Don’t become involved in pettiness, ego and childish hurts. These will only serve to degrade your relationships and prevent closeness.
Let go of pride. It is usually false, creates barriers and prevents closeness.
Acknowledge the humanness of each other.
Exercise feelings. Feelings have meaning only as they are expressed in action.
Increase tenderness and intimacy. They are a powerful source of nourishment in relationships.
Be compassionate. It is the sure way to understanding and acceptance.
Learn to listen. You don’t learn anything from hearing yourself talk.
Even though you are only half of a relationship, you must remain a whole person, apart from the relationship.
You are at the center of all your relationships, therefore you are responsible for your self-esteem, growth, happiness, and fulfillment. Don’t expect the other person to bring you these things You must live as if you are alone and others are the gifts offered to help you enrich your life.

We must be willing to give up certain destructive characteristics:
The need to be always right.
The need to be first in everything.
The need to be constantly in command.
The need to be perfect.
The need to be loved by everyone.
The need to possess.
The need to be free of conflict and frustration.
The need to change others for our needs.
The need to manipulate.
The need to blame.
The need to dominate.

Instead of denying those listed above:
We can take them on as a challenge from which we may profit, realizing that, over time, the more we have learned about problem-solving in relating, the greater will be our ability to love each other.

The only way to learn about relationships is of course, to be in one, right?

Book learned doesn’t help in this case I would guess unless you’re the therapist.

I’m looking to see what others know about relationships, what they’ve learned, perhaps the moral of each one. Anyone willing to share?

However, other things I’ve found I like when I date someone, is that they have a job, support themselves and are able to splurge a few times a month on things to do together. Splurge just doesn’t mean money-wise, it means time-wise-not letting other issues come into the mix unless they’re life or death sorts. I like a sense of humor, but not to the point where I start feeling violent or made fun of. I love a man who knows how to kiss and touch along with keeping that a part of the dating/relationship-I do like PDAs! A man who can compliment once in a while and who adores me as I am that I can adore back without worrying about the future. Someone who has some chemistry with me as well as an adventurous/more spontaneous at times side.

I’d really like to be asked out on a date in a straightforward manner and when out get the impression from him that he enjoys being with me-not like this is a chore/job.

I think that’s it for now, this is just stuff that has been rolling around in my head lately.

When I decided I wanted to get some experience, I did some of that. I matured and changed those habits. Is it stupid to try going out with someone who really just gives you the impression that he wants sex and to hang out?

now wondering if he’s dating smarter. Still planning to meet him sometime I guess.

Past dates have been with ex-cons and I’m sure there are lots of great ex-cons out there, I just think I don’t want to go on a date with them anymore or have a relationship with one.

I tend to rush headlong into “relationships” with guys who really aren’t into that or at times, me. I’m trying to keep in the mindset of not rushing, just enjoying taking the time to know each other and all that.

Will try to start thinking of what I’d really like to have in guys I date for qualities etc., and post here soon hopefully.