be happy with turning 30

so, the goal was to be happy with turning 30, and i am.

as the clock struck midnight last night, i pondered the situation. i felt … good, excited – no remorse or nausea, nothing of what i expected to feel a few short months ago.

today, i’m not really thinking about my birthday, i’m thinking about the future – with nothing but happy thoughts; wondering what awaits me.

i have a sense that life is truly beginning for me, it’s a good feeling – a mature, 30 year old feeling. there’s a gut urge saying to me that it’s just time. time for what? well, i can’t really explain that. time for all the revelations i’ve had in the past few years to really come to pass. time to start whatever it is that i’m suppose to be doing – without fear, without apprehension.

today is a great day, the proverb holds true: today really is the first day of the rest of my life.

the clock is not ticking fast enough – go, GO! let’s get this show on the road!

someone asked me recently how old i was. i hesitated for a second, started to make the th sound for 30, but reverted and said 29.

guess i’m still clinging to the 20’s for these few remaining days after all.

i do know one thing though; the kid in me is struggling to keep afloat without coming off as juvenile. am i childish? perhaps. i look at it more as being whimsical … and a big geek.

i actually can’t wait for the birthday – i few short months ago, the old me would have been puzzled by this new person – and the new me wants to slap the old me ;)

the older, wiser me.

i’m calmer, more rational, and my approach to things in life is different … better. my mind is less chaotic.

being older is good :)

of late, i’m thinking more about what i will accomplish in my 30’s and not what i’ve failed to accomplish in my 20’s. i’m more curious than ever of what kind of woman i’m becoming and not mourning the good years. those good years sucked anyway – i’m so ready for anew – bring on the birthday!

i hang on to these things from the past and don’t know why. they serve no purpose other than being mementos of days gone by – and not even good days really. i still have my high school tracksuit. i didn’t even enjoy high school, but my grandfather – who’s since passed – bought it for me and it has my name embroidered on it. i have a ceramic coin bank that brought turmoil into my childhood; if you can believe that.

i don’t know why i keep these things. they don’t provoke good memories.

when my grandfather died, i grabbed his sweater from off his chair a few days later, and i still rap myself up in it when i’m chilly sometimes. recently, i remembered how we use to come home late at night from Nova Scotia on sundays and he’d always stop at Tim Hortons and get me one of those special treats from behind the glass. good memories.

i’m into the concept of vintage toy collecting for enjoyment as apposed to profit – i like taking them out of the package :) i’d much rather do this to remember being a kid than hanging on to things that have a bad vibe.

so what am i getting at? well, growing up for me has always been a difficult thing to swallow, and clinging to things that cement me in my no-so-happy youth isn’t helping. it’s time to say goodbye to a few items – does anyone want a tracksuit with AMI embroidered on the sleeve? kidding :) off to the dumpster with it, along with that AMI i once was – she’s all grown up now.

today, i’m thinking about the future; what the 30’s will be like for me. will my chase for self awareness finally come to a peek? will i be the ultimate woman? will all the fractured & missing pieces of my life fall into place? if so, what are you suppose to do in your 40’s?

i was raised by my grandparents. they had 4 children, most of whom still lived at home on and off while i grew up. so, even though i say uncle & aunt, we have a brother/sister dynamic – and that makes me the baby of the family. it’s a terrible feeling; having your opinions being disregarded and being made to feel naive, and being spoken to in a different tone and manner of voice. i’m quite ready to be done with it – in the last few years, i’ve had many mild outburst; being fed up with the ridiculous directions that family conversations tend to head in regards to me and i would be compelled to say: “you know, i’m almost 30”

finally being able to say “i’m 30” probably won’t change their feelings toward me, but declaring that number, i hope, will make me feel stronger while enduring their baby talk.

... means i will have spent half of my life attached to the same partner. nothing about this pleases me except for the fact that my children have the same father despite their extreme age difference. i am unhappy within my relationship and can’t believe that i’ve wasted all of these years – years that were suppose to be a youthful prime for finding out about love and figuring out what i want in a partner. how do i recover from such a loss?