feel beautiful

i don’t want to seem cocky. can you strut without being cocky? i don’t know, i just want to replace my unassuming walk with something that gives me a bit of a presence.

i walk different when i have my iPod with me and the right song comes on. i want to hear those songs in my head all the time – iPod or no iPod. i did adopt this concept for awhile, listening to my strut song in my head when i felt a bit anxious walking about town – and it totally works. but i want the strut to be permanent; not something to be called upon when needed.

so yeah, boobs.

the ultimate statement of femininity … and i don’t have any. but that’s alright.

it wasn’t alright during the hormonal chaos of the teen years, when it seemed like the end of the world.

nowadays, i’m cool with it. but the problem stands – dressing a shapeless body is difficult and makes me feels somewhat androgenous. it’s hard just to find a decent bra, let alone clothes cut to fit a stick-ish body shape.

i would never in a million years alter my body surgically to alleviate this problem – like i said, i am comfortable in my own skin … it’s the clothes that i’m not comfortable with.

am i insane? its never been something i lust after, envy or even find that attractive. i came up with a little fact about myself some time ago – Ami likes accessories, not jewelry. but i said ‘likes’ accessories; i never buy them either.

i got my ears pierced when i was in elementary school, and mourn my virgin lobes all the time – the holes are there forever and i don’t wear earrings.

does my dislike for jewelry stem from my conflicts with femininity? is jewelry an avenue i should partake with my new embrace of Ami = woman?

maybe i should start with a charm bracelet; that seems like something that fits my style – revealing a few little trinkets of the story that is me. and it has to be a real charm bracelet that dangles, not one of those Italian link ones – lame.

can i make that leap and wear gold? yuck; not likely – it’ll have to be silver or something of the like.

see – insanity.

i don’t envy the man who would want to propose to me; what do you give a girl who says yuck to diamonds? i suppose the cheap man would be happy … not that i plan to marry anyway.

and i seem to recall these things that i have. it’s hazy, wait a second … yes! i have legs!

legs; i don’t think mine have seen the light of day for an eternity. i’m not counting those few instances that i dared to wear unflattering shorts. i’m talking about gorgeous legs stemming out of a dress. i have one dress left in my closet after my last few clothing purges. it’s a hideous thing that i only sport for weddings/funerals.

i am a woman. i should be dressing like one. i’m declaring right here, right now, that i’m on a summer dress(es) mission – i’m going shopping, i’m going to be picky, i’m going to find something out of my comfort zone (whatever that is these days) and BUY IT … AND WEAR IT – not have second thoughts and return it like i typically do with clothes.

legs: get ready to breathe again :)

i need to make a pact with myself about answering my door. 9 out of 10 times, i’m uncomfortable as hell when i hear a knock, because i don’t feel presentable. in some cases, i just don’t answer the door – that’s ridiculous behavior.

sometimes, i grab a hoodie to take my dog out to pee in the parking lot. i’m just aghast with what i’ve become – unkept.

if i really feel the need to be pajama-clad all day, then i had better get some fabulous pajamas – and a silk robe: i’ve always wanted to answer the door in a silk robe. and spend more than 1 second on haphazardly up-doing my hair. oh yes, and buy some slippers that aren’t embarrassing.

i know i’d definitely feel more beautiful if i could learn to walk confidently in heels.

http://www.43things.com/people/progress/wunderland/10769203

i’ve heard over and over again that your mood can be altered by your underwear.

if you’re wearing grungy, drab underthings, your mood will coincide. but tossing the crap out and filling your underwear drawer with pretty/sexy things will uplift your mood. i’m going to explore this.

♥

i know that feeling beautiful isn’t about clothes, it’s about feeling it on the inside and having it shine through on the outside, followed perhaps but dressing better and blah, blah, blah …

i’m tired of living in yoga clothes, and i’m tired of people asking me if i do yoga – i don’t! when yoga clothes came along, it was an excuse to get out of frumpy t-shirts, hoodies & sweat pants, and trading them for form-fitting clothes that seemed more appropriate for day wear, plus they seem more fashionable.

well you know what? yoga clothes are the bastard child of old school frump, and i’ve come to my senses – i feel just as frumpy leaving the apartment in yoga clothes.

i decided to go out and buy all new basic wardrobe pieces last November. i was quite proud of myself – tossing away bad sweats and mountains of t-shirts, and replacing them with … yoga clothes? i now feel ridiculously, but now that i’ve seen the light, i’ll never shop for the new frump again.

i feel like i lack polish. does that make sense to anyone? i see other women, and they have that done look – the hair is in place, the make-up is fresh, they’re wearing an outfit and not just clothes.

when i attempt this, i end up looking virtually the same as when i started, or worse – like how white trash dress for a job interview: ridiculous.

am i missing a gene that gives me the ability to present myself correctly? i’m sure it sounds like i’m being hard on myself, but i really feel like the best i can do is still lacking.