Beat my depression

Not sleeping much… generally running around like a crazy person lol… feeling like I can do pretty much anything.

It’s all good! :D

Oh, except for the irritability, that’s a downside.

I’m getting there.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% better, I still have my bad days every now and then (who doesn’t?), but these days I’m a lot happier than I used to be :)

Someone just kill me… please?

Things kind of suck at the moment. Can’t really be bothered to go into details, I don’t know, I’m starting to feel reluctant to post about my private life on the internet now but basically… my two year relationship is over, I’m not in college anymore, I’m unemployed, unmotivated, all I want to do is sleep etc…

But I’ll live.

I feel stupid, fat, ugly, worthless and pathetic.
I feel like I’m giving so much to some people (emotionally) and receiving very little in return.
I feel invisible and unnoticed.

And I’m exhausted.
I was supposed to be going to hospital to see my psychiatrist this morning but I overslept and missed my appointment. Ah well, doubt it would have made much difference.

I reckon even if I said that I was going to kill myself as soon as I left the building she wouldn’t take me seriously.

Seriously, what’s the point?

I’m so fucked up at the moment I can begin the describe the extent of it. I can’t cope with life.

Right now I’m sitting here listening to depressing music wallowing in self pity… Bollocks, that really isn’t going to take my mind off killing myself is it?

Oh well.

I’m going to meet up with a friend later, hopefully that will help.

_{I have a horrible feeling that this thing is slowly beating me :’(}

I can’t take this… I don’t want to be here anymore :’(

Not without him.

Not to mention the fact that I can’t get a job, I’m going to fail my A levels and not be allowed back into college next year. Seriously my whole life is falling apart right before my eyes. I can’t cope…

I don’t want to live anymore :’(

In the last couple of days I have managed to force myself not to jump in front of oncoming vehicles, and to stay away from the large packet of sleeping tablets but I don’t know how much longer I can resist these suicidal urges… :(

I feel great. I’m just on such a high :D

*does an insanely happy dance*

Seriously though, I’ve been up and down SO much recently. I suppose a lot of things have been going on for me recently (relationship problems and the possibility of me being kicked out of college etc) which hasn’t helped much, but with my condition I guess it’s bound to be that way, and always will be.

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, and I finally found out my “official” diagnoses – Bipolar Disorder type 2, and Social Phobia (although that has reduced significantly over the year I’ve been treated).

So, I’m officially crazy. Yay for me.

I’m scared that my boyfriend is going to leave me… I love him so much. I don’t know what I’d do without him :(

I just know that I wouldn’t be able to cope.

_{I’m such an idiot. Why do I always mess everything up! :’(}