accept my family for who they are

Story of my life has it that whenever times are rough, they will only get rougher. And when good things come, well there is a storm waiting to rain on the parade.
And so it is that I get onboard, almost willingly it seems, on a guilt trip ride. Up and down we go, and I lose control. I give way to tantrums, I welcome insults with open arms and when we are near the end of the ride, I crash and die. And so it is. A guilt trip has swallowed me whole.

I went to Chicago this past weekend. I was supposed to hang out with my mom while I was there, but she never waits for me. I was sleeping at Bri’s parents house, so by the time I got out of bed and called her everyday, she was already gone or on the verge of leaving. Really made me feel bad and guilty. On the second day she did that, I realized my mom is just impatient. I pleaded with her to wait for me, I told her, I’m on my way but she said, well I’m leaving I’ll be at so and so if you want to come find me. So and so turned out to be the mall. Sad she’d rather go to the mall than spend time with me. I didnt go look for her because I felt hurt and rejected. I know I was running late, but she could have waited.
I ended up not seeing her at all this weekend. I cried in my car at some parking lot because I just feel like my family has no foundation to stand strong on anymore. It’s so different with my own family (Bri and Gabie, my bf and son) because we just have so much love and happiness. My old family has a lot of anger, tantrums and regrets. And it makes me cry, I feel so disconnected to them. And I’m tired of being their rag doll.

but it isn’t. i want to accept them, but how do I do that when they aren’t even within reach? i know i moved away, but really, sometimes i don’t think it was me who moved. i’m full of love, but they are nowhere around sometimes. i guess it’s all a part of growing up, everyone grows apart. i just wish it weren’t so. now the only place i can ever find my sisters is on myspace. myspace, how i hate myspace. myspace, where they feed into superficial, fake friendships. i just feel so left behind somedays. and it is an awful feeling.
why am i even thinking about christmas so much? lately that’s all i’ve been thinking about. being with them. but yet, i’m starting to resent them so much!

i smelled my father today.
someone came and sat next to me today and I remembered my dad from a long time ago, back when I was still a little girl.
He would put on that old cologne, stetsons. Everytime after getting out of the shower, which would be everyday after work and before dinner, he would shower himself in stetsons as well.
is that what it’s called? stetson’s?
i remember my dad. he suffered with alcoholism and continues to, but i remember my dad. he wasn’t as bad a guy as they thought he was, come to think of it.

mostly with my mom and my little sister cindy. it was a nice time in chicago. i went to see my mom and we ended up going to sam’s club where she purchased a very nice coat for me. i was surprised but thankful! After that, we went to go see my cousin’s baby Angel that she just gave birth to on oct 30. He is adorable! It was nice seeing them, a bit sad though because my cousin is going through a roller coaster of emotions right now but that is understood.
On Sunday I went to visit my little sister at her work. She works a concession stand called Relish in the food court of Nordstrom Mall downtown. That place is huge! When she got off work we went shopping a bit and ate a spicy chicken pita. Yummy. We also gossiped a lot about some of our family members. lol. But, I am trying hard to just accept my family for who they are, because after all, they are my family and I can’t change them. At the end of the night we took the L back to my car and I drove her home.
What a sweet ending to a rather pleasant weekend!

at one point, i just wanted to forget i even had one. by family, i am not referring to bri or gabie (my bf and son) but I am referring to those people i grew up with…the people that made me feel awful sometimes for living. the dad that taught me what alcoholism is all about, the mother that kept me tied to her apron with no sense of who I was, the brother who physically & mentally tortured me (not to mention ingnored me) for years and years, the sisters who came later in my life and don’t know a damn thing what suffering is about…yeah yeah yeah…i can tell you all about my family but in the end what does it matter? it’s not like i can go back in time and change the past. i can’t do anything. somethings are just out of my control.
and so i realized today, in the midst of blowing up at my little spoiled sister for telling me mom said she didn’t want me knowing anything about her and her life, that there are some things i can’t change, i can only accept it for what it is.
and it may not be beautiful, it may even be ugly, but it’s mine. it’s my family. and there ain’t nothing i can do about it but just accept it.