learn to drink in moderation

I may not be happy while doing it, but I do it. I think I’ve learned. And that, friends, is really exciting. I’m going to leave this goal here for another month or so and make sure it’s not a phase. Wish me luck!

this is the definition of being “cured” of alcoholism. “I’ll just have this one, thank you.”
I know there’s a raging debate on this topic. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

So, I’ve actually been doing pretty well, and enjoying doing pretty well, which is the real key. My relationship has been blossoming normally. I’m going much longer in between the times that I’ve been getting totally drunk, and been able to avoid being drunk for things like weddings. Here’s my question, though. For those of you who have done this, who have seriously had an honest drinking problem and have controlled it by learning to drink in moderation without stopping completely… how often did you have relapses? How did you avoid them?

I think I’m learning.

I think for me the trick is to find a good reason not to drink too much. A reason for me, not because so-and-so doesn’t want me to. Last night, I didn’t want to because I wanted to get up today in time to go to the fish market and vegetable market and buy fresh basil, lemons, onions, garlic, and scallops (and yes, my meal was incredible). That might sound like a stupid reason, or something really obvious, but I don’t care how stupid it is if it works.

Another strategy we’ve come up with is this: always leave it up to me. It has to be my decision. If I’m even mildly intoxicated and someone tells me not to have another one, I get highly indignant and sometimes angry. I told Luis to ask me (just like I try to ask myself), “Ok, Alli, it’s 4 am, you’re the only one in the disco still drinking, you can’t walk straight, and you already know your friends’ opinion on the matter. Do YOU really want another one?” Luis thinks it’s stupid and feels funny saying it, but I’ve asked him just to work with me and agree that no matter how stupid it is, as long as it works we don’t care.

Progress? Quizas, quizas, quizas!

well, i got back from san pedro de atacama about 12 hours ago. san pedro is worth everything negative it throws at you – the 5-hour bus ride through the desert (which i actually find incredibly beautiful), the lights and water cutting off every five minutes, the bone-chilling cold at night and the complete lack of hot water. it is more than worth it. it is absolutely impossible to be angry or sad in san pedro. it is a truly sensational little pueblo.
we got there friday night, kind of late, because our bus was wicked late leaving antofa. we had nowhere to stay lined up, which was a bad idea for a long weekend, so we ended up dropping a little more money and staying a little farther away from the main street than we intended, but for one night it was nice to have a private bathroom and bedroom, and plus luis and i have never stayed anywhere really decent together, so it was like a little vacation for us. after we settled in, we walked back to the centro in search of food and ate a phenomenal meal. i considered wine, but turned it down. we had to wait a long time for the phenomenal meal, and they offered us a free after-dinner drink. but after the phenomenal meal, nothing could top it, so we went home, had spectacular sex, and went to bed. totally sober and totally happy.
we got up super early the next day and went off in search of all the adventure that the pueblo offers. we ended up going out to bathe in a lagoon that is 80% salt and heated by volcanic activity. then we went to these meteorite pools next to each other that are called “los ojos de la salar” – eyes of the salt flat. then we saw another lagoon, where the real treat was the sensational sunset and moonrise. when we got back that night, we had another excellent meal (san pedro is awesome for good food) and then had two cuba libres. we knew we were getting up early again the next day, so we went back to the hostel after that. more amazing sex, and less-than-amazing sleep, because even in all my layers, with all those blankets, and a raised bed (and another warm body in the bed with me) i was just frozen to the bone.
sunday we got up early and went sandboarding. sandboarding is one hell of an experience. i am sore as anything today, but it was so totally worth it. how many people get to go sandboarding in the driest desert in the world? pretty spectacular.
anyway, i think my challenge for this week is going to be not to drink during the week, because normally when i exercise restraint all weekend, i start feeling super strong urges to be fall-down drunk by wednesday. more updates to come.

well, it’s thursday and i’m still jazzed up about drinking in moderation this weekend. i’m supposed to go to san pedro de atacama this weekend (which is high in the running for my favorite place in the world) and i’d just rather take advantage of it.
also, i have tomorrow (a friday) off work, and thanks to my “learn to cook” goal, i’m more excited about getting up early so i can get to la caleta (the fish market) before it closes and buy some fresh scallops.
just the fact that i spend any time at all jazzed up about drinking in moderation – and believing i can do it – is a step, and i have to remember that. let’s not get TOO hasty, but… give me a LITTLE credit.

because it’s always the same angry, frustrating, unbelievably humiliating story, but this weekend was a massive drunken debacle.

i keep hoping i’ll get to a point where i am so disgusted with myself that i stop. i feel like i’m there now, but by the time thursday rolls around, we’ll see.

sigh.

well, let me tell you what went down this weekend.
friday i went out with some friends. i wasn’t fall-down drunk by the end of the night, but i was feeling no pain. i think the real reason i stopped drinking was because the bar i was at closed ridiculously early (yes, 3 am is ridiculously early in chile – it would be like a bar closing at midnight or even eleven in the states) – and that is not the right reason.
saturday i went to the discos and made a really conscious effort to drink slowly, and i drank so slowly that i spent the whole night waiting for the effect to kick in. at 4:30 i left the discos, because i had to catch a colectivo to get home (an unusual situation for me) and i was very sober and definitely angry. i need to learn, all over again, where my limit is – my PROPER limit. and then i need to stick to it. i think, along the way, i also should learn not to have my night ruined by looking at my watch at 4:30 and still feeling sober. i did, after all, dance the night away at the discos with some wonderful people, and my bank account will thank me that much more the next day for the sobriety.
i guess i should feel encouraged by the physical restraint that i had, but i am feeling a little like the whole thing backfired because of the attitude i had. however, overall, i still think things are getting better. there are bound to be some roadblocks along the way. the wouldn’t call alcoholism a disease if there weren’t. getting better, getting better.

... to quote interpol.
last weekend, i had a really good talk with a dear friend of mine who has been the unfortunate other victim of my alcohol problem way too many times. we agreed to go out saturday night, to the discos, and have a chilean night, and not be fall-down drunk at the end of the night.
i matched him drink for drink, much slower than my usual pace, until the end of the night, when i had one more. he was a little disappointed, but as soon as i began drinking my final beer, i knew that i didn’t really need it. i was happily drunk, not angry, dancing, and i remember everything even up til the lights came on at 5 am.
when you learn to drink, or when you have a drinking problem, you become capable of drinking at ridiculously fast rates, because if you’re not drunk by the end of the night it’s the end of the world. the problem is, you’re drunk far before you realize it, and when you’re past your limit, you only want more anyway. claerly, my challenge here is to drink slowly enough to enjoy my drunkenness, remember my entire night, and maybe keep my friendships in place and keep myself safe while i’m at it.
it’s also worth noting that with this realization, and with all the fun i still had on saturday, i am, for the first time, actually excited and feeling optimistic about this goal.
YAY!

I think some of us don’t realize how strong force of habit is. For example, all my life I never cared much for birds. Then one day, when I first got to Chile, I was sitting on a wall by the beach and the sweetest little bird came hopping along. It was absolutely adorable and I wanted to hold it, take it home. I realized that I’d been telling myself I didn’t like birds because I never had, but that maybe I do now, and what’s so wrong with that?
The same is true with the way I eat and drink. I eat and drink the same way: once I start, I don’t stop. If I buy a small chocolate bar, I’ll eat it all and be satisfied. If I buy a big chocolate bar, I’ll eat it all, just the same. I haven’t been able to control my drinking in the past (in that in any given night, once I start, I can’t seem to stop), but I think a big part of that is mental. I’ve so thoroughly convinced myself that I’m not going to stop drinking (and I’m very aware that no one is going to make me) that I don’t. But sometimes, I take a step back and say, “ok, Alli, it’s 4 am, you’re the only one in the disco drinking, and your friends are giving you disgusted looks. Do you REALLY need another drink? Furthermore, do you REALLY WANT one?”
And sometimes I have the ability to see through the alcoholic fog and realize I don’t need OR want another drink, in reality. And I stop. And everyone is much happier for it.
I am ecstatic to realize I am making progress on a goal many consider to be impossible for people like me. Now if I can just apply it to the chocolate too…