have sex

at the time, this didn’t complicate our relationship. and i know alot of people think sex is no big deal; i’m not one of those people. the fact that i opened my body up to my boyfriend in such a way is a big deal to me. i don’t know whether or not it should be, but it is. i don’t regret having sex with him at all. i felt safe; i felt loved. but now, well, we haven’t had sex for months. maybe some of you are reading this and thinking there’s something wrong with us. i simply don’t care. it’s not that i don’t want to have sex. the timing hasn’t been right for various reasons.

but last night, i told him we couldn’t have sex anymore. he was sad, very sad. he was speechless actually. i didn’t want to have to do this; i can’t explain it exactly. just sometimes, i feel like he likes my body more than me. and i know that’s not true, but i can’t help but feeling almost used. i love the fact that he loves my body, and i want him to be able to completely enjoy my body. but i think i just need to take some time to let him show me that he loves me, not just my body. this sounds worse than it is. we are both very committed to this relationship. and well, i just need to try to understand a guy’s sex drive. i’m also afraid that i will start linking sex with love like some girls do. i really don’t want that to happen; i can’t do that to him.

and while this may sound stupid, but i wish guys had to deal with the fear of being pregnant since they’re the ones who just really want to have sex. i mean, i honestly, really do want to have sex with him. but i hate the fear that comes with it. he doesn’t quite understand that. those few scary aweful days make sex less appealling, for at least now. and if you’re thinking that this girl is stupid and should just use protection, well don’t tell me that. we do but that’s not a sure thing.

in the meantime, i want to find a way to show my boyfriend love and to even give him the kind of attention he craves. and he’s learning too. we talked alot about this whole sex thing. he held me while i cried and told me i was beautiful.

i’m sorry. i really am.

this hasn’t complicated anything. it also hasn’t fixed anything. sex can’t do that. that’s a lie.

but i’m a huge fan. even so, there won’t be more

i’m the kind of person who likes things to be either black or white, either i love it or i hate it, either i do it or i don’t. that’s how sex is for me. i adore my boyfriend just as much as before sex, probably more even. things are amazing between us.

but i have all this energy, this pent up energy that i want to focus on him, on playing in the rain, on kissing under the stars, on taking pictures, on nude drawings, and on sex!!! and i just don’t know what to do with it…

he came over around 6am and we curled up and fell asleep. i woke up to him pulling me closer and kissing my neck. i love moments like this and these kinds of things. and a little later, it happened. it wasn’t perfect but it was amazing. it should of felt awkard but it was comfortable. i should have been scared but i felt safe. and i have a feeling that it can only get better.

this almost happened last night. i’m not sure how i feel about that. i want it really bad. he does too. and we’ve talked about it but haven’t actually done it. we’ve been close before. we were closer last night. and i want it. really bad. i want to experience the beauty of it as our naked bodies surround eachother. and i want to feel him in a way i never have before. but i’m scared.