i’m in france currently for three months. this provided yet another challenge for us. the little bit of security and predictability that was once there is now gone. we’ve reverted to e-mails instead of text messages and skyping instead of calling.
but the night before i left, i was a mess. i cried for an hour, maybe more. but then he called, probably an hour or so after i cried myself to sleep. we talked for a while, and he said i love you. i didn’t hear him at first, and he whispered it again.
this is real.
i’m learning more about this everyday. my boyfriend is scared. he’s scared of so many things. he doesn’t want me to know this but i do. one of them is love. he’s scared to say it, scared to feel it, scared to live it. yet he knows how; i’ve seen it. he’s started making jokes when we get serious. i pretty much just ignore that. he’s just scared to feel what he already does. and even more scared to admit it.
and we’re young to be serious. i’m having a lot of responsibility in my life lately, growing up all of a sudden, so i’m ready for it. he’s not quite there yet. he could use some more responsibility. but the thing is, that i love him. and i’ll wait for him to be ready.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for a while now. i adore him completely. the feeling is mutual. yet those words, those three words have yet to be spoken.
a week ago, i as crying b/c he wouldn’t say it. i wanted him to say those words that we’re both too scared to say.
and now, well, we talked for a while last night. we’re really good about communicating once we start. i’m learning so much. we’re young. we have our whole lives to be in love. we have so many years to say those words. love should never be rushed.
now i still can’t wait for those words to come from his lips, but i can wait. i wouldn’t trade the moments or the time with him now for anything, and i think i was focusing on the big picture, on the fact that i want to marry this boy, that i want him to say those words, to realize just how amazing these moments are. it’s been rough lately, there have been tears and more tears and forehead kisses and long talks and falling asleep in his arms. there is love. maybe it’s not spoken, but for now, that’s just right.
it’s not called falling for nothing.
this is scares me. i think its happening. i have never been afraid to love, and i’m still not. but how much i care about this boy, makes me cry if i think about it. and i don’t cry; i’m not that emotional girl. but still, i am falling in love, maybe i’m already there. and when it comes down it, i just want him. that’s not so much to ask.