get over anorexia

i feel this coming back yet again. that frustrates my so much, but it’s my way of dealing with stuff. my life isn’t completely aweful right now, but it is hard. i’ve been away from my boyfriend for two and a half months now and still have another month to go. i thought this last month would be the easiest, but so far its been bad. not because we’re mad at eachother we’re just frustrated, and we’re both forgetting. and today, i want to talk to him and hear from him, but i probably won’t. his way of dealing with missing me is to ignore it all together. and that just sucks. so here i am, wanting so desperately to see him or even talk to him, and i’m hungry. but i don’t want to eat. it somehow covers the other pain i’m feeling.

for the most part, i don’t think about this anymore. my body has settled into a place and a weight, and it seems to be content there. while i long to be skinny, i know its not beautiful. it looks unnatural and just aweful. but still, it’s like i want to be that skinny again just to prove that i can. that’s the worst motivation. and really, wearing a size four instead of a zero is nothing to be upset about. and most girls want their boobs to increase two bra sizes anyways. but i don’t. i just don’t.

but then, i don’t want my life to be consumed by this either. it used to be. you can’t be anorexic w/o it consuming your life. that’s just impossible

that doesn’t leave any options…

i’m not eatting. sshhh!

tonight i was trying to express this. the fact that i’m getting over this but not happy with that. i know i talk about my boyfriend a lot, but he’s in this one too. he knows. i don’t really want him to, but at the same time, i do. but when it comes down to it, he doesn’t get it at all. i don’t think he thinks i’m stupid for having it. i hope not. but my body is changing in ways i’m not ready for, in ways i don’t want. and while its just giving me yet another curve, i miss being skinny so much. so much. like i can’t even express it, and i don’t think anyone would even understand it. i have boobs for the first time in my life, and i don’t even want them. i want my 110 lb frame back and all the bones that showed with it. and i know that’s not good or right and i don’t really want to feel like this, but i do. and then he kept saying how he was going to break up with me if i became like that again. we weren’t together when it was really bad, when the pictures are so gross. but he has known me to be skinnier yet claims he likes this better. now that is something i don’t understand. how could he possibly like touching all these curves? how could he possibly want to hold me? i don’t get it.

and i know that i won’t go back to being that skinny, and maybe now i’m just gaining back the weight i lost. finally. but this is a day i didn’t want to come. and the way i’m talking probably makes you think that i’m like way over weight now but that’s not it either. i’m not fat in the least; i just want to be skinnier.