manage my depression

still doing pretty good. no real lasting depression anymore. i’m exercising and did a serious review of my life path and got some serious hard-work changes in place. change takes time and is exhausting work and each day shows progress.

I don’t suppose that I can ever really put managing my depression into the ‘I’ve done this’ category since it requires a constant vigil on my part. I don’t think I can ever say it is done but I can say that I’m not depressed and I haven’t been depressed in about one whole year and without meds. Not that this has been an easy year but I’ve not fallen into the depths of depression that I’m susceptible to.
Exercise, lots and lots of journaling and self growth, eating properly and being very disciplined about going to bed on time and waking up without an alarm clock- all these things have worked to support my ability to manage life. While I support others decisions to take meds, I refuse to use them as my management because I believe, having studied how they work, that meds are a temporary solution. I used them for a brief period when I realized I’d been thinking of suicide every single day for over 6 months and as soon as I had that under control I got off the meds.
I know that taking care of myself in the way that my body and mind needs is a way of showing love for myself and respect for the Self within me.

So, depression runs in my family and I know the damage it can do,not only to me but my family also. My usual coping techniques aren’t working anymore. Usually it’s only January to April that I’m down. Then I get serious about taking care of myself and it pulls back together. I’ve been able to manage without RX for a long time. Last year, though, it didn’t go away and I’m looking at almost 18 months of depression. I’m trying the Lexapro again, tried it a month or two ago and the nausea was unbearable. Now the nausea is managed but the feeling of being on drugs is weird. It doesn’t so much as make me happy as it makes me not care. I have been suicidal for the last 6-8 months, not that I’d actually do it because I’d never hurt my kids that way but I think about it, almost everyday. I wonder what keeps other people going, why they go through such hard days, when every day is so hard. Especially people without children or pets.

So the drug takes the edge off of being sad, and it kind of prevents being really happy, too. I have noticed a bonus, I’m more patient now that I don’t care. I’m going to give it a couple of weeks (it’s only been two days) and see if it normalizes. It could almost be addictive, this blunting of feelings, in the same way alcohol is addictive.